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7/6/2008 5:15:59 AM
233
The Dangers of Intimate Interactions With Oneself
Hello, friends...my name is Richard Browning, and I am a Southern Baptist preacher, school teacher, and father of three. I bought an Xbox 360 and Halo 3 several weeks ago and really enjoy the game--I find its religious parallels absolutely fantastic and can't get enough of it! This has lead me to this site and its forums...while I did not come here for much other than to converse with other Halo-lovers, I've noticed that many of the members here are young, teenage boys with raging hormones. I've noticed many threads asking for "girl help" and similar things, and I feel it is my duty to post this. So listen up, sons, it's time to be educated in the ways of our Father in Heaven!
The "spam filter" on this site prevents me from using proper terminology, so I will use some well-recognized "slang" terms.
Now, I'm not one to beat around the bush, so to speak, so I'll come out and say it: "Self gratification", also known as "jerking off", "spanking the monkey", or "pulling the laughy-taffy". I realize that the urge for self gratification is strong, but remember sons, it means one thing to you; death. Yes, death. It has been clinically proven that self gratification leads to lose of brain cells and weakens the immune system, eventually leading to AIDS, mental incapacitation, and death. As Doctor Robert Bronson of Lincolnville, SC says, "If you take to pleasuring yourself, your spinal fluid will drip out the tip of your -censored- and you will eventually die. This is a proven medical fact, and yet I don't hear enough people cautioning others about the dangers of this practice."
Another reason not to do it--God will damn you to hell for it. Intimate feelings and urges are there only so that a married couple may produce offspring. In this context, it is quite alright for contact, but in any other situation, it is the work of Lucifer as he attempts to invade your mind! Stand tall and true, sons of God--remember your faith and cast aside the devil! Your "laughy taffy" will bring you only death and an eternity of suffering in hell.
In conclusion, sons, remember--it may feel good now, but it will lead to serious consequences down the road! Only the ordained copulation of a married couple is healthy, as the woman's crevice keeps the brain fluids from leaking out. That is all. May God be with you, kids, and remember--try as he may, satan can never pierce your heart unless you let him! God bless--repent now! Thank you.
-Richard Browning
[Edited on 07.05.2008 9:17 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Stan Marsh Dude, this is pretty -blam!- up[/quote]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning[/quote] As your post may come as some humor to those of us that actually know the truth of the matter, there are still some younger people here. You may be putting the wrong ideals in their heads. So refrain from making up such dire consequences. : )[/quote]I am unclear as to what you are implying...once again, I am not joking around her, son. The topic of self defamation and corruption is a serious one, make no mistake. And as for my "making up such dire consequences", I have done no such thing. I checked with my family physician to make sure all points in my original post are factual. I think that you should do some research, before it's too late. Thank you. -Richard Browning[/quote] Is your family physician a bible humper too?
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] maxzero3 [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning[/quote]Why do you always sign your posts?[/quote]All the [i]cool[/i] kids are doing it. - jedtastic
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So wait, I usually jerk off all over my King James Bible, you're telling me this is bad? Parziale, no one knows. Well, stupid people "know" but no one actually knows. Look at it this way, if you were raised in classical Greece you'd worship Zeus. Get what I'm saying? [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:36 PM PDT]
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nvm [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:40 PM PDT]
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What about a Fleshlight?
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how are you guys so blind to this
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning[/quote] As your post may come as some humor to those of us that actually know the truth of the matter, there are still some younger people here. You may be putting the wrong ideals in their heads. So refrain from making up such dire consequences. : )[/quote]I am unclear as to what you are implying...once again, I am not joking around her, son. The topic of self defamation and corruption is a serious one, make no mistake. And as for my "making up such dire consequences", I have done no such thing. I checked with my family physician to make sure all points in my original post are factual. I think that you should do some research, before it's too late. Thank you. -Richard Browning
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DONT LET THIS GET 51!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!i
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning[/quote]Why do you always sign your posts?
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what does buddah say?
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] EvilTurkey1021 Is it okay to m@sturbate if I think about Jesus while I'm doing it?[/quote] Amazin'!
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] EvilTurkey1021 Is it okay to m@sturbate if I think about Jesus while I'm doing it?[/quote] This my friends, is too epic.
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Congratulations, you're preaching to a forum where probably 70-80% of us are athiests.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning[/quote] As your post may come as some humor to those of us that actually know the truth of the matter, there are still some younger people here. You may be putting the wrong ideals in their heads. So refrain from making up such dire consequences. : )
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Whatever floats your boat dude!
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] EvilTurkey1021 Is it okay to m@sturbate if I think about Jesus while I'm doing it?[/quote]No. It is immoral and unhealthy no matter who or what you think of. And please, do not insult Jesus, our savior, in such a manner. Thank you. -Richard Browning
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Is it okay to m@sturbate if I think about Jesus while I'm doing it?
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uh..... so like cats die when you do it too? and it makes your eysight bad? oh but sex is alot different, right? sure im religious but take your lies somewhere else
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning
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nvm [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:40 PM PDT]
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Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Mr Dum Dum Well Father, Your post has really opened my eyes and I was wondering.... What if your wife does it for you? I'm not talking procreation but a handjob. Is that bad or wasteful? [/quote]A good question, son, and one I have heard before. The fact that the wife is pleasuring the husband is of little consequence--the spinal fluid is not contained in her, and is thus able to seep out freely, leading to the same ill-effects as self pleasure. Thanks. -Richard Browning
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I think I'm officially terrified of organized religion [Edited on 07.05.2008 9:28 PM PDT]
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I'll smoke and drink and whack off and have carnal relations with people I don't plan to marry. My life is none of your business.
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Well Father, Your post has really opened my eyes and I was wondering.... What if your wife does it for you? I'm not talking procreation but a handjob. Is that bad or wasteful?
