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7/6/2008 5:15:59 AM
233
The Dangers of Intimate Interactions With Oneself
Hello, friends...my name is Richard Browning, and I am a Southern Baptist preacher, school teacher, and father of three. I bought an Xbox 360 and Halo 3 several weeks ago and really enjoy the game--I find its religious parallels absolutely fantastic and can't get enough of it! This has lead me to this site and its forums...while I did not come here for much other than to converse with other Halo-lovers, I've noticed that many of the members here are young, teenage boys with raging hormones. I've noticed many threads asking for "girl help" and similar things, and I feel it is my duty to post this. So listen up, sons, it's time to be educated in the ways of our Father in Heaven!
The "spam filter" on this site prevents me from using proper terminology, so I will use some well-recognized "slang" terms.
Now, I'm not one to beat around the bush, so to speak, so I'll come out and say it: "Self gratification", also known as "jerking off", "spanking the monkey", or "pulling the laughy-taffy". I realize that the urge for self gratification is strong, but remember sons, it means one thing to you; death. Yes, death. It has been clinically proven that self gratification leads to lose of brain cells and weakens the immune system, eventually leading to AIDS, mental incapacitation, and death. As Doctor Robert Bronson of Lincolnville, SC says, "If you take to pleasuring yourself, your spinal fluid will drip out the tip of your -censored- and you will eventually die. This is a proven medical fact, and yet I don't hear enough people cautioning others about the dangers of this practice."
Another reason not to do it--God will damn you to hell for it. Intimate feelings and urges are there only so that a married couple may produce offspring. In this context, it is quite alright for contact, but in any other situation, it is the work of Lucifer as he attempts to invade your mind! Stand tall and true, sons of God--remember your faith and cast aside the devil! Your "laughy taffy" will bring you only death and an eternity of suffering in hell.
In conclusion, sons, remember--it may feel good now, but it will lead to serious consequences down the road! Only the ordained copulation of a married couple is healthy, as the woman's crevice keeps the brain fluids from leaking out. That is all. May God be with you, kids, and remember--try as he may, satan can never pierce your heart unless you let him! God bless--repent now! Thank you.
-Richard Browning
[Edited on 07.05.2008 9:17 PM PDT]
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Browning, i think the reason everyone is kinda cheesed is how your being really holier than thou. for future reference, this is why people hate christians. Because some of us act like were better than them.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sir Killalot33 Bull-blam!-. I am atheist. I should be dead by now then, but I am not. This is no place for you to spout religous crap. Its a video game forum. I don't care if it is so grave. So having a child before getting married, makes him a bastard? I might as well have my girlfriend get an abortion. Is my bastard going to worship some devil? ~Killalot p.s. This thread made me crap my pants in laughter :)[/quote]I am not saying that children born outside of marriages are immoral, I am saying their parents are. Look up the defenition of bastard--it is a child born from an unwed couple. I mean no disrespect, son. Thanks. -Richard Browning[/quote] I thought a bastard child was that of 2 parents that were NEVER married
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning I assure you, I don't joke about matters as grave as this. -Richard Browning[/quote]Well then, would you care to actually [i]respond[/i] to what I've said?
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Angelic Firefly I can't help but stay here It's like watching a train wreck and you brought a video camera and popcorn[/quote] QFT This thread is hilarious
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Sir Killalot33 Bull-blam!-. I am atheist. I should be dead by now then, but I am not. This is no place for you to spout religous crap. Its a video game forum. I don't care if it is so grave. So having a child before getting married, makes him a bastard? I might as well have my girlfriend get an abortion. Is my bastard going to worship some devil? ~Killalot p.s. This thread made me crap my pants in laughter :)[/quote]I am not saying that children born outside of marriages are immoral, I am saying their parents are. Look up the defenition of bastard--it is a child born from an unwed couple. I mean no disrespect, son. Thanks. -Richard Browning
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Masterbating is more healthy then it is dangerous, it relieves stress, can lower your blood pressure and even makes the male reproductive organ stronger.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning I will pray for you, son. -Richard Browning[/quote] You do that. While your at it can you ask God to bring on the apocalypse already? I'm getting tired of waiting for all you ignorant religious people to go join your "God" [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:06 PM PDT]
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Furthermore, you claim that a woman's "crevice" (as [i]you[/i] call it) keeps a man's [i]brain[/i] fluid from seeping out of his genitalia? Wait, didn't you say spinal fluid before? Well which is it, brain fluid or spinal fluid? Both? Hm, quite a predicament. Well let me ask you this: If a male's orgasm releases spinal and/or brain fluid, that would mean that upon orgasm, said fluid leaves the spine and brain to travel (somehow) through the body to the -blam!- in order to be expelled. Now, as I said, foreskin does not detect [i]what[/i] it is being touched by chemically, which means that if your statement were true (which... lol, it isn't), then the chemicals would leave both areas either way. If the "crevice" somehow [i]did[/i] prevent it from coming out, it still would have traveled to the ejaculatory passage, which means that the damage has already been done. Or wait, are you going to now claim that these fluids travel [i]back[/i] to the brain and spine after realizing that this woman's sacred temple "do no want"?
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I can't help but stay here It's like watching a train wreck and you brought a video camera and popcorn
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Bull-blam!-. I am atheist. I should be dead by now then, but I am not. This is no place for you to spout religous crap. Its a video game forum. I don't care if it is so grave. So having a child before getting married, makes him a bastard? I might as well have my girlfriend get an abortion. Is my bastard going to worship some devil? Pray for me all you want. It's wasting your breathe. Even if I am older than you will call me son. ~Killalot [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:55 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BackwardSlinky so.. it's like "The Dildo for him?"[/quote] I guess, but it's more like a reverse dildo. I was gunna buy one but then I found out about Realdolls. Now I'm in the process of saving the $6000+ I need to order me a little rubber AZN gurl.[/quote]why asian? once you go black, you never go back...
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BackwardSlinky so.. it's like "The Dildo for him?"[/quote] I guess, but it's more like a reverse dildo. I was gunna buy one but then I found out about Realdolls. Now I'm in the process of saving the $6000+ I need to order me a little rubber AZN gurl.[/quote]I will pray for you, son. -Richard Browning
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[quote]Jerking it should be a Yoga move[/quote] beautifully said
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BackwardSlinky so.. it's like "The Dildo for him?"[/quote] I guess, but it's more like a reverse dildo. I was gunna buy one but then I found out about Realdolls. Now I'm in the process of saving the $6000+ I need to order me a little rubber AZN gurl.[/quote] ZOMG! Somebody in here has a soul!
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BackwardSlinky so.. it's like "The Dildo for him?"[/quote] I guess, but it's more like a reverse dildo. I was gunna buy one but then I found out about Realdolls. Now I'm in the process of saving the $6000+ I need to order me a little rubber AZN gurl. [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:02 PM PDT]
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....*through sobs* Beautiful performance!!! It was like it was rehearsed. Spinal fluid. Ha! Gotta give props to the flood for the "Dangers of Jerkin' it." On the other hand, I am feeling a bit retarded.....XO Mah brainz is leeking!!! To the kids that believe this(hopefully there aren't any) it's not true. Besides, Jerking it should be a Yoga move.
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"Richard Browning." = Fail for the new account and trying to be funny. Probably an actual Catholic ped0phile who made his way to Bungie. -AbMsTx. [Edited on 07.05.2008 10:00 PM PDT]
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TUI_Obi_Wan A "fleshlight" is a long cylindrical device use for personal gratification by a male. Think of it as the plastic outer casing of a flashlight but insteal of batteries and a light bulb there's a silicone "female crevice" as our preacher boy here calls it. Google it if you want.[/quote] so.. it's like "The Dildo for him?"
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning Hello, friends...my name is Richard Browning, and I am a Southern Baptist preacher, school teacher, and father of three. I bought an Xbox 360 and Halo 3 several weeks ago and really enjoy the game--I find its religious parallels absolutely fantastic and can't get enough of it! This has lead me to this site and its forums...while I did not come here for much other than to converse with other Halo-lovers, I've noticed that many of the members here are young, teenage boys with raging hormones. I've noticed many threads asking for "girl help" and similar things, and I feel it is my duty to post this. So listen up, sons, it's time to be educated in the ways of our Father in Heaven! The "spam filter" on this site prevents me from using proper terminology, so I will use some well-recognized "slang" terms. Now, I'm not one to beat around the bush, so to speak, so I'll come out and say it: "Self gratification", also known as "jerking off", "spanking the monkey", or "pulling the laughy-taffy". I realize that the urge for self gratification is strong, but remember sons, it means one thing to you; death. Yes, death. It has been clinically proven that self gratification leads to lose of brain cells and weakens the immune system, eventually leading to AIDS, mental incapacitation, and death. As Doctor Robert Bronson of Lincolnville, SC says, "If you take to pleasuring yourself, your spinal fluid will drip out the tip of your -censored- and you will eventually die. This is a proven medical fact, and yet I don't hear enough people cautioning others about the dangers of this practice." Another reason not to do it--God will damn you to hell for it. Intimate feelings and urges are there only so that a married couple may produce offspring. In this context, it is quite alright for contact, but in any other situation, it is the work of Lucifer as he attempts to invade your mind! Stand tall and true, sons of God--remember your faith and cast aside the devil! Your "laughy taffy" will bring you only death and an eternity of suffering in hell. In conclusion, sons, remember--it may feel good now, but it will lead to serious consequences down the road! Only the ordained copulation of a married couple is healthy, as the woman's crevice keeps the brain fluids from leaking out. That is all. May God be with you, kids, and remember--try as he may, satan can never pierce your heart unless you let him! God bless--repent now! Thank you. -Richard Browning[/quote] Erm... Fail.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Zhutch0216 well idk my opinon on this but umm... [url]http://richard.browning.justgotowned.com/[/url][/quote] fixed
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BackwardSlinky [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] hilltopstalker [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BackwardSlinky [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] A n cl r e w What about if you use a fleshlight?!!??!?!?!??!?!? AWNSER ME GODAMIT![/quote] wtf is a fleshlight!?[/quote] you DONT wanna know[/quote] uh-oh...[/quote]it's either a mouth, a vag, or butt hole opening at the end of what looks like a flashlight and feels very similar to the real stuff and they come in varying sizes and colors and they even have replicas of pr0n stars holes
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 I [i]pray[/i] (see what I did there? Pun totally intended) that this is a joke.[/quote]I assure you, I don't joke about matters as grave as this. -Richard Browning
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Dream053 I think this is a joke, because obviously, a well-educated preacher such as yourself should realize that if spinal fluid were to seep out of the male genitalia upon climax due to self-gratification, it would also do the same during sex with a spouse. The foreskin does not differentiate between vajinal passage and palm (yeah, I know how it is spelled, but I feel that I can't risk the filter in case some people are truly too dumb to realize what I'm saying). Orgasms do not release spinal fluid, nor do they kill brain cells (unless your reactions to orgasming themselves are harmful, such as holding your breath, violently spasming, or any other physical reaction that could potentially harm the body). In fact, orgasming is often a great way to relieve stress for males, as once they have done so, the body releases a hormone that induces relaxation and in some cases sleepiness. Lastly, I would have expected someone so prone to following rules to have actually read the forum rules before posting here. If you would have, you would have realized that any and all religious discussion is bannable and disallowed. Do not come here to preach, preacher, for you are either preaching to a quire, or to people who do not care (and if you respond with some such comments as, 'Then ye shall be damned to hell", I will report your thread. I [i]pray[/i] (see what I did there? Pun totally intended) that this is a joke.[/quote] 1st off, nice. 2nd. EPIC PWNED!!!
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well idk my opinon on this but umm... [url]http://richard%20browning.justgotowned.com/[/url]
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A "fleshlight" is a long cylindrical device use for personal gratification by a male. Think of it as the plastic outer casing of a flashlight but insteal of batteries and a light bulb there's a silicone "female crevice" as our preacher boy here calls it. Google it if you want.
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[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Richard Browning [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] TeamTheCreed Exactly, whether the stimulation is coming from your own hand, or the hand of another. It's stimulation of the penis any way you cut it.[/quote]Precisely. -Richard Browning[/quote] As your post may come as some humor to those of us that actually know the truth of the matter, there are still some younger people here. You may be putting the wrong ideals in their heads. So refrain from making up such dire consequences. : )[/quote]I am unclear as to what you are implying...once again, I am not joking around her, son. The topic of self defamation and corruption is a serious one, make no mistake. And as for my "making up such dire consequences", I have done no such thing. I checked with my family physician to make sure all points in my original post are factual. I think that you should do some research, before it's too late. Thank you. -Richard Browning[/quote] I'm honestly suprised to see this post here. For one i have no idea how how you got by the admins, i'm sure spouting religion on a public forum breaks some kind of rule. But I respect the effort and time you put into saving souls. You have to realize though, religion is dying. There are very few people i have met that are true religous hypists on their own. Mostly they go because mommy and daddy want them to. I want you to go to work tommorow and say to your colligues what you have just done. I can assure you they will laugh their buttox off. I don't know if it's that your ignorant the teenage stariotype because you think were better than this or you are generally that nieve, but the stariotype exists for a reason. You cannot talk a teenager out of sex or wanking off in their own private setting. I understand where your comming from with the whole, with your wife it's ok thing, because it does seem immoral. But it does not seem immoral for the same reason you said. I should point out ( if you havent figured it out already,) I am agnostic. I really don't know what's out there but i listen to all the religous stories to see if I can find any moral justification other than than god told us to. Most people are not as understanding which is why i'm here giving you a life raft, run now. People arent listening to you, they are mocking you, because you sound like a religous exstremist mother tryign to talk a person out of sex while in the middle of the foreplay.
