U wanna take a shower. And, I'm a girl too.

Fist me daddy

The weirdest thing I ever said to a girl was this:[spoiler] I ask her why she has a weather channel app on her phone. She says that she loves meteorology. Me: "that's pretty hot." Her: *blank stare*. Me: that's hot." Her: "HOW IS THAT HOT?!?!?"[/spoiler]

Hail Hydra.

One of my friend (who a girl) have a tendency to sit on my face while I'm laying on her couch. I asked her why and she said "just trying to get comfortable"

Back in my secondary school there was a girl that announced loudly to everyone that she had a bigger dick than me. She then went on to grab her friend by the hair and simulate the end of a $5 Thai massage "present". Included over the top choking and gurgling sounds. [b]*shudder*[/b] [spoiler]There are some things you can't [i]un[/i]see...[/spoiler]

This was during June we were walking home together because we live close to each other she starts to get very sexual she move my hands to her backpack can you reach into my backpack and get my books sure why not I said I give you the books I said then she moves my hands to her penis I screamed then she said what's wrong then I said yo homes smell you later then I looked at my kingdom I was finally there sit on my throne as the Prince of bel-air!

Girl: I'm a coloring book. Me: What can I color? Girl: Numbers. Me: What number can I color? Girl: 69. Me: O.o [spoiler]Oh gawd[/spoiler]

This wasn't said TO MY FACE but I heard it from 3 friends of mine: 'I'd date you if you were hotter and had more money' And I said to my friends that if she said that to me I'd say 'I'd date you if you were nicer, hotter, smarter, and when I'm dead, but since almost none of those will happen, that'll never happen, you gold-digging whore'

(When I was 13) Me:Where have you been She:In the shower (She's been in the shower for 5 mins) Me:You shower that quickly?? She:Well it would've taken longer if you were with me. I was 13, imagine what thoughts flew trough my head.

So this hot cheerleader that's somehow my friend "with benefits" came over to my house cause my parents were away for a college visit for my brother. So she was gonna come over and we were gonna have some fun. When she arrived she was with a guy. I said who the -blam!- is he. She said "my transgender friend we're gonna bang." I said wtf. That's when she's like I call the vag you get the ass. I yelled wait what. That's when she's all like that's right I got a dick is that a problem. And then I cried [spoiler]the sad part is this is a true story :([/spoiler] Edit: I no longer see this girl or the guy

"I had a dream. It was a vision of the future. You were, older-scarred and wounded, with a beard of white and grey. In front of you was an army of the damned, crawled from the cracks of hell to slaughter in the name of armegeddon. But behind you was an army. It was an army of those left behind, those who were not raptured. They looked to you for guidance, for inspiration and words of hope. You looked like a bloody and tired soldier, but you were the next Moses, denying this world from the forces of hell."

You're walking in the woods. There's no one around, And your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye you spot him, Shia Labeouf. He's following you About 30 feet back. He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. He's gaining on you. Shia Labeouf. You're looking for your car, But you're all turned around. He's almost upon you now And you can see there's blood on his face! My god, there's blood everywhere! Running for your life (From Shia Labeouf.) He's brandishing a knife. (It's Shia Labeouf.) Lurking in the shadows Hollywood superstar Shia Labeouf. Living in the woods, (Shia Labeouf.) Killing for sport, (Shia Labeouf.) Eating all the bodies Actual, cannibal Shia Labeouf. Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him, But you're hopelessly lost yourself. Stranded with a murderer, You creep silently through the underbrush. A-ha! In the distance, A small cottage with a light on. Hope! You move stealthily toward it, But your leg! AH! It's caught in a bear trap! Gnawing off your leg, (Quiet, quiet.) Limping toward the cottage, (Quiet, quiet.) Now you're on the doorstep, Sitting inside, Shia Labeouf. Sharpening an ax, (Shia Labeouf.) But he doesn't hear you enter, (Shia Labeouf.) You're sneaking up behind him. Strangling superstar Shia Labeouf. Fighting for your life with Shia Labeouf, Wrestling a knife from Shia Labeouf, Stab it in his kidney. Safe at last from Shia Labeouf. You limp into the dark woods, Blood oozing from your stump leg. But you have won. You have beaten Shia Labeouf Wait! He isn’t dead! Shia surprise! There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes. But you can do jiu jitsu… body slam Shia LaBeouf. Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf. Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf. You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf. But blood is draining fast from your stump leg. He’s dodging every swipe, he parries to the left. You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck. You’re chopping off his head now…. You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf. His head topples to the floor, expressionless. You fall to your knees and catch your breath. You are finally safe from Shia LaBeouf

"You were right"

"Also, you suck, denied." I know, right?