Don't know if this works but here goes: A general is conducting an inspection of a troop of soldiers and notices they all have forks in their pockets. He asks one of them and the soldier responds "Our commander is a total clean freak and makes us use forks to pass food to one anther." "That's all and well," says the general and he continues his inspection. He then notices all the men have strings attached to their zippers and asks another why. "Our commander doesn't want us using our hands so he makes us use the string to zip and unzip our pants when using the latrines." The general then asks how you put your d**k back in your pants if you can't use your hands. The soldier replied "I don't know what the other guys do sir, but I use my fork."