originally posted in:The Black Garden
Alright I think the story is pretty good so I've only got [i]construction[/i] criticism. These are all simply my interpretations.
[quote]The guard mumbled something about backup into his shoulder. There was a pause for a few moments as they were staring at each other.[/quote]
Recommendation: "as they stared at each other"
[quote]The world seemed to move slower as the warlock silently saluted the guard as he jumped headfirst off the 40 story building.[/quote]
I'd recommend replacing "as he" with "and."
[quote]The structure he was facing had large iron pillars constructing it, giving it a messy, not polished, an incomplete look to it. Bits of scraped metal ran from the top, as if something had tried to bite it, or rip it off.[/quote]
Hmm the statement is a bit redundant "messy, not polished" and somewhat contradicts the pervious statement "strange cracks, perfectly straight, lining the sides of demolished buildings"
[quote]He looked grim as he glanced at a skeleton, kneeling on the ground. It’s right arm, pushed down onto the floor, its bone transforming into metal. It rested on the ground and morphed into it.
[/quote]
Some commas you might not need. "With a grim expression he looked upon a kneeling skeleton. The bone of its right arm transforming into metal as it pushed on the floor."
(extra bit the ' is not needed if "its" is for possession but is needed for contractions "it is, it has")
[quote]There, he entered a large open room. A small computer blinked in the corner.[/quote]
This doesn't quite flow I'd suggest "He entered the large, open room to find a small computer blinking in the corner."
The notification should probably [i]appear[/i] on the screen not jump.
[quote]A single tear streamed down from his face. . .
She gave a weak laugh.
[/quote]
Hmm who exactly? You didn't identify the speaker in the video so I believe you meant Gray for both of these lines.
Final bit; I encourage you to continue Gray's story.
English
-
Thanks! I made the revisions now. The city intended to be a demolished version of the picture above, and the cracks move like this: http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111023090337/fairytail/images/7/75/Gildarts_Shift.gif I revised the sentence to make a little more sense now. I'm glad you like it, and ill definitely write more.
-
You're welcome.