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9/3/2007 3:58:20 AM
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Read my ULTIMATE NOVEL if you've got time to blow...

This will probably take a few minutes to read, but trust me... You're life will be better because of it. Due to space concerns, I've only posted the first half. Several spelling and tons of grammatical errors were left in place to further ridiculousize the story. You will be a better person upon reaching the bottom of the page. [b]And then there was a really long book...[/b] (PART II AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST OF THOSE WHO TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS GODLIKE MATERIAL YOU WILL BE INFINITELY REWARDED.) _____________________________________________________________________________________ One time I was walking down the street and I saw this guy and he was like, “whoa dude whats your name?” and I was like, “Austin.” and I told him how much I wanted candy and he was like dude I have some candy and he said well I have some in my van I tend to talk like an idiot sometimes but that’s ok because kid, well, you look like and idiot too. Want some? Its like free and stuff but youll have to pay a lot because youre stupid and I was like well ok as long as its not like a zillion dollars or anything hahahahahaha and then he pulled out a gun and like tried to shoot me and I was like dude why and he was like because youre stupid and so I told him that a lot of big numbers plus a big number equals another big number and he was like whoa youre not that stupid so he gave me some candy and it wasn’t dumb candy it was actually kinda good candy for real and he was like It s free and I was like really? And he was like yeah so yeahahhahahahahaha and I was like dude why you so dumb and he was like little kid, I have a story to tell you, when I was very little my father punched me in the face repeatedly over and over and over and then he ripped out my intestines. Not once did I ever get over that, nor did I ever digest again. I have since become lizard-man, and roam the streets in hopes of finding giant fly-men to consume. But lately, giant fly men have been in short supply, so ive resorted to eating kids like you! HAHAHAHA FREE CANDY?!!! YOU FOOL! YOURE BIG NUMBERS MEAN NOTHING!!!!!! NOW YOU WILL DIE BY THE HANDS AND CLAWS OF LIZZAARDD MAAAN!!!!1! [b]CHAPTER 2: Lizard Man Strikes (for real)[/b] It was a dark afternoon in the suburbs of naturdale and lizardman was lurking the streets, roaming for food. Only recently he was a 9 year old boy, now, as a 40 yeard old lizard man he would have to find some giant flies to eat and (though he would try, he would be unable to find candy. Because lizards don’t eat candy stupid!) So anyway, as the story goes, Lizard man would roam the streets of New York City in hopes of finding fly men (he hopes of finding fly men a lot, freak eh) though he would be angry at me calling him a freak, I am safe for I am not a fly man, hahahahah! What an idiot! [b]CHAPTER 3: Lizard Man Strikes (SERIOUSLY)[/b] Lizard Man striked [b]CHAPTER 4: Lizard Man sells candy to child[/b] NOW YOU WILL DIE BY THE HANDS OF LIZZARDDD MAN!!!!!11!!!!!!!! I thought for a moment, could this really be lizardman? The protagonist of truth and all the justice-filled donuts?!?!?!?! Truly, this could not be the lizard man I was raised to believe was a hero. No, this man was nuts. Totally freakin nuts. First he tries to sell me candy, now this fat green guy is trying to kill me? Totally freakin nuts. So anyway, as I stood there outside his white unmarked van. I thought to myself again, Wouldn’t lizard man be driving a lizard mobile? Surely he could afford, with all the candy he sells to children like me, a decent automible? For sure, he may have used his earnings on something such as a lizard cave, but I would have assumed a vehicle would have taken first priority. Unfortunately, lizard man is stupid. He was born with ¾ of a brain, and all the green ink on his skin has absorbed into his blood stream, mortally damaging him. I watched as lizard man gagged and coughed blood…. In a matter of moments, he was dead. [b]CHAPTER 5: Lizard man comes back to life.[/b] RAWWWRRR I AM AlIVEEEEE [b]Chapter 6: Lizard man tries to kill me again[/b] NOW DIEE!!! I have you right where I want you, he said as he opened the white van door. He stepped closer to me. Luckily, I was holding my 9 at the time, and I pulled out of my back pocket and threatened to shoot him in the toes. He said FINE, I don’t need my toes anyway! So I shot him in the toes. He screamed. I watched as lizard man gagged and coughed blood…. In a matter of moments, he was dead. [b]Chapter 7: Lizard man is reborn as a catgod in ancient egpypt.[/b] Meow, says former Lizard man turned Catgod. As all his Ancient egpty worshipers gather around him. "I wish to build a giant square." "BUT SIR!", Says the ancient Egyptions. "We are not able to build anything but like huge trianges and stuff. " "THAN YOU WILL LEARN TO BUILD THEM. I have built an instruction book. Unfortunately, we are unable to use bricks of stone, so I have supplied you with a few tubs of legos. You have nine days to get it done. BUILD MY SERVANTS." "But SIR?! We cannot build such an enormous object using only a meager supply of legos! We will all surely perish before we have completed our task!" "How will you die if I supply you all with Gatorade and stuff!? Like cupcakes, I don’t know. Lots of crap that’s bad for you." "Thank you sir…. We are forever grateful!" Then the catgod took flight, and was never heard from again [b]Chapter 8: Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore[/b] "Bob", said Sally, "would you like to buy some sea shells? Theyre delicious!" "No thanks sally, Im on a strictly coke diet. " "Well youre stupid bob, im selling them and I want you to buy some!" "TOO BAD!", then bob stormed off into the ocean, using his mermaid-like tail to swim to a depth of 3,000 feet and morph into a giant aquatic man-slaying robot . Luckily, Sally too has special abilites, she has the amazing ability to pick up sea shells and sell them to her close friends, because no one else will buy them. No one is gullible enough to buy her crap. No one needs any of that stupid crap. Luckily, Bob knew this in advance. Before he ever thought of turning into a banana monster from the philipenes. "SALLY!" Said bob, the Domino’s delivery boy, "Did you want 3 pepperonis?! Or what? Because when you were on the phone you were like crying or something. Did somebody smack you in the face over your sea shell crap again? I told you like 8 times no one is going to buy your stupid crap." "Thanks bob… I really needed to hear that. And yes, it was 3 pepperonis, can I have them?" "Yeah, but youll have to pay extra for wasting my time. I spent like 3 whole seconds looking at your stupid sea shells. Honestly, if you really want to help anyone but your little sad self, youll make a pit and burn that crap. Honestly." Then bob sped off towards the Evil Lair of Death in his Deathmobile. Sally, feeling enraged by this terrible pizza she was just served, decided to take her sea shells and do something useful with her life for once. She packed up her sea shells, went 300 miles back to her home in japan. And decided to weld her sea shells onto a giant walking stick. SOON, she thought, she would have enough sea shell power to conquer bob, and the WORLD. Even though bob wasn’t really evil, being a baby tarantula. Though she knew, even though her sea shells were not enough to tackle the evil Godzilla-sized bob as they were in their current state, soon she would have enough sea shells to dominate all who would dare stand in her path. [b]Chapter 9: Playful kittens decide to unwind a ball of warn[/b] "Meow…. Meow meow", said kitten 1 to kitten 2. "MEOWWW", said kitten 3 to kittens 1 and 2. Then they unwound a ball of yarn.. [b]CHAPTER 10: Bob decides to attack Sallies homeland of Saturn.[/b] Even as bob was blasting through space in his rocket suit, he knew that soon sally would be crushed under his might. Her and her sea shells of evil would soon be dominated. He would go to Saturn, blow stuff up, and like say some cool lines or something. Then he would probably have a drink with the guys or something… and then he would probably walk a few miles down to florida and like blow up a phone booth or something. NOW SALLY WILL FALL BENETH MY AWESOME BANANA FEET! I KNEW YOU WOULD BE HERE said sally, I knew you would be here as well, said bob. WELL I KNEW YOU WOULD BE HERE FIRST, sally said. NO I KNEW FIRST, said bob. NO ME said sally, NO I DID, said bob. It was at that very moment, when the very galaxy shook. The water trembled in fear, and the clouds parted at the presence that was soon to befall them. Cliffs fell, and mountains collapsed in fear. All the animals of all the planets in the universe all hid in caves and other small places that only they can fit in so they feel all safe. It was at that moment history changed forever. First…. And unwound ball of string fell through the clouds. Then 3 kittens emerged. The people of Emron 7 were amazed at this stunning event… this had been predicted for thoustands of years. The three catgods were finally among them. The people of Egypt were so happy because like their catgod had come back. Unfortunately, they neglected to build the giant lego squares. The CatGods, angered by their negligence, were filled with fury. ‘WE CAME HERE TO FILL YOUR FIELDS WITH BOUNTIFUL CROPS, YOUR DRIED RIVERS WITH THE PUREST OF WATER, TO FILL YOUR WELLS WITH THE CLEANEST OF CLEAN OF CLEAN STUFF THAT YOU KEEP IN YOUR WELLS! AND YOU GIVE US THIS CRAP?! NOW YOU WILL ALL PERISH BY THE SAME AWESOME POWER THAT HAS ARISEN HERE TODAY TO GRANT YOU NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS, AND NOW IT SHALL BE USED TO DESTROY YOU ALL!” That is what the CatGod said, and his awesome promise rang true. He killed them all. Except bob and sally. And everyone else that wasn’t egyption. Then the catgods parted the sky, and flew out of view...
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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Kamatzu Your poor face :([/quote]Now that I'm reading it again, it really doesn't make sense. I don't even remember writing it...

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  • Your poor face :(

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  • [quote]I swear to god Jack Bauer is out to get me! Seriously. All he does is say "I'm the king of phish!" I don't care if your name is George W Bush, it doesn't make you king. Then he was all like "I AM A DINOSAUR!!!" and I said "SHUT UP YOU DO NOT EXIST!!!!!!! Then we went to his house and he got his bike. We then rode around over acorns and having races. We were then attacked by a giant purple dinosaur that kept asking us for hugs! We threw a sharp spear at him and acid came out. The acid spewed a hole deep underground, were we met Nspzurk Shu Taa. All he did was accuse us of worshiping soda and grew wings out of his feet and flew away. He however flew deeper underground, and melted in the earth's core. We then road the magic school bus home. BUT WE WERE ATTACKED BY RAPTOR JESUS!!!!!!! he claimed that I was a bundle of sticks and he would burn us. I said he was retarded and he killed Paris Hilton. but she came back as a zombie! She then started to sing and the whole world died because of her new zombie album "I'm a spoiled zombie". But then ZOMBIE RAPTOR JESUS DESTROYED HER. The zombies then took over the city and Snape killed zombie Dumbledore. Snape, however, died of the zombie album released by Paris Hilton. While we were fighting our way to the control room, a song blared out of nowhere. It went something along the lines of... ONLY THE STRONGEST WILL SURVIVE!!!!!!! LEAD ME TO HEAVEN WHEN WE DIE!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE A SHADOW ON THE ROAD!!!!!! I'LL BE THE ONE TO SAVE US ALL!!!!!!!!!!! We then proceeded to escape Raccoon city before the nukes hit. Unfortunately, Halo went off and we died. "Congratulations," said the monkey on the petastool. "You have passed level one." A black hole then opened and sucked us in. We then proceeded to snipe the gunners, so their fortress wasn't as heavily defended. "SUPPRESSING FIRE!!!!" said the talking squirrel as it exploded from a grenade. It's tail flew into the Death Stars reactor and the emperor died. But the zombies were still after us! We had used all of our ammo and were forced to scale the wall as acrobats, before the wall collapsed and squashed the ewoks. But, something happened. Super Ultra Mega Jesus, Voltron, Godzilla and Megas all got into a fight! We ran and we ran, trying to find the exist. But they were everywhere. They proceeded to eat all of our spinach. It was horrible. There were no survivors. The explosion of the Death Star caused Uranus to explode, the ewoks to cry and caused Chuck Norris to die. Did you see that rhyme, I did it right on the dime. His head was then ripped from his body and the blood gushed everywhere. We were lucky to escape, as his blood turned into molten lava and lead us to Batman. He said "Show me the way". He died of cancer three years later. We kept running. If we stopped the beast would catch us. We could not let it catch us. Its smell could be smelled from almost a mile away by the humans nose, which is probably why all the dogs hung themselves. "HAHA!!!" said Santa Clause, as we ran. We had no time to run though. Because we running into a pit of molten lava. Just then, the music played and gave me strength. I'LL BREAK YOUR -blam!- FACE TONIGHT!!!!!!! And I broke my face. [i]To be continued...[/i][/quote] This is my story I made when I was very, [i]very[/i] tired.

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  • To the library with this I say! To the library!

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] Kamatzu [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BJR Epic. You must've stolen this from Homer, because this is some [i]Iliad[/i]-worthy material.[/quote] Is that... is that a good thing? O.O[/quote] It's a very good thing, my friend. Worthy of [url=http://www.earthmusicnetwork.com/netsy/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/pedobear_seal.gif]this[/url]

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  • You win five internets.

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  • [quote][b]Posted by:[/b] BJR Epic. You must've stolen this from Homer, because this is some [i]Iliad[/i]-worthy material.[/quote] Is that... is that a good thing? O.O I was just at my friends house typing as much randomness as I could conjure up in the hopes of typing faster than he could read it. I succeeded mostly, I added the quotations later.

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  • Thus, banana planet lived on for several days in peace under the command of Bob. Until he decided it was not a good idea to have so many monkeys on one planet, so he shipped them off into space. He promised them a brand new planet full of bananas and other monkeys. But in reality, he just kind of shot them off randomly into space. At last, bob was alone on his planet with the like 15 other humans. Thus, banana planet lived on for several more days in peace under the command of Bob. Until he decided it was not a good idea to have so few humans on one planet, he shipped them off into space. He did not realize until later, though, that shipping off an already small amount of people does not make that amount increase. Bob was alone. Luckily, he had learned the ability to clone himself by a crazy old man he met in Atlanta. Bob cloned himself 3 times. Thus, banana planet lived on for several days in peace under the command of Bob. Until he decided it as not a good to be cloning himself, and just let nature take its course, he then shipped his clones off into space…. [b]Chapter 14: The fourteenth chapter[/b] Production of giant sea shell monster robots was going smoothly… everything Sally needed to defeat bob was in front of her. All she needed now was Bob to defeate. She would send 500 sea shell robots to every corner of the universe until Bob was found. She would stop at nothing, nothing would stop her now! After three days of searching around the house, her sea shell monsters concluded, “He his not in the house” She then instructed them to keep trying. Her dad had to be somewhere, without him she couldn’t send the robots off into space to find bob! “WHAT DO YOU WANT STUPID GIRL!?” Said Sally’s Dad, Jeb. “Dad, I would like you to allow me to send all my robots off into space using your giant robo-slingshot” “Oh… I could have sworn you were going to ask me to buy some of your useless crap. You can use the slingshot if you’d like.” One by one the robots were fired off into space. 500 in one direction, 500 in another, 500 for each direction of the universe. And there were like 12 left over…. They got really depressed that they couldn’t help the search, so they ran away and started a new life in South Korea selling bamboo. 5 days into the search, Sally got a call from sea shell robot #4859326322 “We have confirmed that, in our possession is the bob you seek.” “Bring him to me”, said Sally, “I’ll make him pay myself.” It took several hours for the robots to blast back from their corner of the universe with bob, but when they arrived, it was apparent Bob was sleeping, and was not going to fight. “He was locked inside of a small rocketship…” Said robot #4859326322 “He did not put up an effort to resist capture, he asked for a coconut and fell asleep in my arms like a little baby, it was kind of cute. I almost put a blanket it on him, but then I was like NO! This guy is the bad enemy dude. So I didn’t do it.” As the robot said this, Bob awoke. Bob stood up, pulled several banana peels from his pockets, and placed them on the ground. He then removed a nailgun from his pocket and fired nailes into the banana peels. “There”, Bob said, “now you don’t have to worry about them running away.” Bob turned around and walked away. She tried to stop him, but he was already out of sight. Sally was confused, he did not want to fight? Surely he was filled with rage and anger? How could this be? Did she let her guard down? Was she going to lose? Were the odds against her? Where did the stupid banana peels come from? Nothing made sense anymore. As she pondered what was going on, a message came through on her radio, “Master Sally, we have found Bob.” Said robot #79531 “We will arrive in probably like- holy crap, he’s so cute I just want to put a blanket on him.” PART IIII NOT WRITTEN YET SOZ LOLS [Edited on 09.02.2007 8:19 PM PDT]

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  • Epic. You must've stolen this from Homer, because this is some [i]Iliad[/i]-worthy material.

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  • Bob, taking advtantage of the situation, punched sally in the face. She cried. He laughed. She cried harder to drown out his laughing. He laughed harder and more obnoxiously to try and get her to shut up. She just kept on crying. He could have sworn anyones eyes would have exploded by now from the massive production of tears, but she just kept on crying. He stopped laughing. She kept crying. He took a sea shell and threw it at her. She stopped crying. Sally, filled with rage, decided to destroy bob. Surely, he could not block a massive sea shell attack. She picked up her bucket full of horse hair, and thew it all over bob. Bob was covered in horse hair, confused, he looked around for a horse. It was at this moment, sally threw the sea shells at him. He was dumbfounded. How could he have let his guard down? Surely there was no way a girl could have hit him with sea shells? How could this have happened? Was he going to lose? Were his chances against him? Where is that stupid horse? Nothing made sense anymore. In his confusion, bob took off in his home-made banana boat and flew to banana planet, home of the monkey kingdom. [b]Chapter 11: Banana Planet, home of the monkey kingdom.[/b] HOO HOO HAAAA! Said Monk the Monkster to Mookie. I want all of your nanners, said Monk to Mookie. NO, DEY MEIGH NANNERS, Said Mookie to Monk the Monkster Then a human walked up to them, why don’t you little fellas share the nanners? Then they threw a banana at the human, and he fell to the ground. Unconcious. Where am I? Though bob, the last thing he remembered two monkeys were arguing…. Now this? He looked around at the room he was in… bars on all sides. He was in a jail of some kind… it reeked of bananas. Luckily, there were no walls or anything so he just kind of walked out. Which is weird, because there were bars. Anyway, as bob stepped outside, he saw the enormous Monkey Kingdom that expanded before his eyes. For every 5,000 monkeys on this planet, there was one human. For every 50 monkeys there was another monkey. That’s like a lot of monkeys. Bob looked around again, because bob enjoys looking around and not taking control of his life. A monkey walked up to bob, ‘You, ugly prehistoric ape looking ugly stupid thing, why you not have banana?! You need banana here to be accepted! If you not have banana, you not have admittance to monkey kingdom!” I am sorry, my little hairy friend, I do not own a banana, said bob. “Well, I suppose I can let you go this time. Only because youre covered in hair, and this could be a sign that you are not as stupid as you first appeared, and are actually more like a monkey than myself.” Bob thought for a moment, covered in hair? The horse! Yes…. It was a good thing that invisible horse showed up when he did. Thanks to him, bob looked more like a monkey than the monkies did. Bob walked around banana planet for a moment… It was a nice enough place. This would make the perfect headquarters for conquering sally and her evil sea shell armada of death. He would only have to find the King Monkey… and this would not be hard, for he was standing right next to the king monkey. “King Monkey”, Bob said with as much respect as he could, “Whats up with your stupid kingdom? It smells like monkey poop and every street corner is home to a seemingly endless supply of flies. Every car is made of rotting banana peels, and every monkey smells like a monkey.” “Why thank you kind human,” muttered the old King Monkey, “ But Im afraid Im going to have to escort you off of my humble planet, or I will have to chop you up into little tiny pieces and have you served to the Jumblee. “The Jumblee!?!?!” Bob asked, sounding concerened. “Yes, Im afraid, the Jumblee.” Bob stared at the King Monkey… waiting for him to elaborate on this concept of Jumblee. 10 minutes elapsed. 5 more minutes passed. Day turned into night, and at around 3 in the morning, the king monkey came to the realization that Bob was waiting for him to say something. “Im sorry, who are you? Did you want something?” muttered the King Monkey. “No”, muttered bob. “Unless you’ve got like a giant cooler of Gatorade or something.” “Im sorry….” Muttered the Monkey King, “Powerade is the bomb, yo” [b]CHAPTER 12: Sally builds an army[/b] Sally, now in the process of filling entire factories with sea shells, was becoming ready for battle. She would take all of her sea shells, and construct a giant sea shell. With that giant sea shell, she would be able to blow it up into a thousand tinier sea shells, with which she would combine to form a giant sea shell MONSTER!!! IT WAS PERFECT! Flawless in every aspect, Sally was ready to take an army the world had never seen. Unfortunately for Sally, Bob was livin it up in Banana Kingdom…. [b]Chapter 13: Back at Banana Planet[/b] -WHOOOOSH- was the sound made by a flying banana car as it whipped over bob’s head like a supersonic bird. He had escaped the crazed Monkey King… but he was still crazily curious about that Jumblee thing the king spoke of. It was most likely a rampaging monster…. Bred for the destruction of those who would oppose the Monkey Empire. Surely it was over ten tons, hundreds of feet tall, with a mouth dripping with the blood of its enemies. And also remnants of whipped cream, most likely from a chocolate pie. Perhaps cherry, it would be difficult for the beast to tell, for he would probably only have one very large eye, with which he would only be able to see in the color red. His voice would probably be deafeningly loud, shaking the cave walls of which he inhabited. He would probably never have a need for sleep, using only 10% of his brain at a time, he didn’t need to rest. He would probably have up to sixteen arms as well, each bearing eight twenty-foot claws. Surely a rampant death machine, bob had for sure escaped his certain demise. As he walked around the Banana Planet, he knew he was going to be just alright. It was at that moment the clouds parted. The seas trembled in fear, and the mountains collapsed into a pile of dust. The monkeys ran to their caves, and every banana of the planet rotted away into nothing. The sky lit up a thousand times brighter than normal, as 3 giant cats came down from the sky. WE SEEK THE BANANA KING! BRING HIM TO US OR WE SHALL DRIP WATER ON YOUR HEADS AND IT WILL BE VERY ANNOYING! ‘I am here, fearless CatGods! Do not harm my citizens! It is me you want!’ WE WISH TO TAKE YOUR PLANET, and THROW IT INTO SPACE! WE WANT TO SEE HOW FAR IT WILL GO, I MADE A BET AND I DARE NOT LOSE!! “If this is what the CatGods wish, this is how it shall be done… To what planet shall we be relocated?” RELOCATED? The CatGods looked at eachother, and flew out of view. The planet shook…. it rumbled and spinned and turned. It shot forward, away from the planet’s giant sun. The planet grew dark and cold, shooting through space at like a billion miles a second. The Monkey King, understand how much danger he was in, decided to forget his citizens and save himself. Using the only rocketship on the planet, he would launch in ten minutes… long before anyone else even though of using it. Bob, reading a map of the Monkey Kingdom, found a secret cave that contained the only rocketship on the entire planet. If he ran, he could probably be there in like 10 minutes! 10 minutes elapsed…. Bob stepped up to the shiney banana-shaped rocketship. The door was open, how easy! He would simply climb in and abandon ship for home! Unfortunately, the Monkey king saw bob before bob even suspected anyone would ever be able to see him in such a dark cave. “OH BOB!” said Monkey King, “YOU FOOL! You will never escape!” “What?! What are you doing here?!” screamed bob, “ And also, the rocketship is plenty big enough to take both of us! We can go to like all kinds of places or something!” “NEVER! Though you are covered in hair…. I will never ride with you! Jumblee!!ATTACCCKK!!!” The Monkey King ran into the rocketship and prepared to blast off. Bob heard the cave shake…. Surely it was the hundred foot tall monster with sixteen arms with huge claws and one eye! (Though chances are that, by now, he has wiped the whipped cream off of his mouth) The cave shook more and more… the rocketship prepared to blast off. Then a small dog walked into the cave. “WOOF” he said. Then walked out. The cave stopped shaking. The rocketship blasted off towards the sky. Bob saw the Monkey king blast off towards space in his rocketship… Bob had missed his only chance at escape. But looking back up towards the rocketship, he saw it heading directly for a CatGod! It would no doubt hit him dead-on. OUCCHHHHHH!, screamed the CatGod. Naww, Im just kidding it didn’t really hurt. He then grabbed the rocketship and threw it into the ground. It exploded. The Monkey king was never heard from again. This made Bob the new Monkey King! He screamed to the CatGod, ‘I am the new Monkey King! I command you to leave this planet!” NO WAY MAN! Screamed the CatGod The CatGod flew down from the sky and stood next to Bob. Luckily for bob, being but a humble hamster, he was able to convince the CatGod that leaving the planet alone was a good idea, and that they should go home and read a book.... __________ PART III COMING TO FURTHER COMPELTE YOUR LIFE [Edited on 09.02.2007 8:15 PM PDT]

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