I would advise starting with a premise, not description. So many people, so many fanfic writers, start with description and it ruins the initial impression. So don't be afraid to try something different. One example is how Tom Clancy starts 'Red Storm Rising'. [i] It was an odd way to start a war... [/i] It's an interesting way to start a novel as well. Starting with description may overwhelm or overload the new reader with information without giving them an introduction. Even if that introduction doesn't seem like one (see the excerpt above). And I would also advise taking the time to paragraph your work. It makes it much easier to read. At the end of the day (and don't take this personally), if you can't be bothered to paragraph the story, then why should the reader bother to read it. This is quite a short piece. It wouldn't have taken more than two minutes. Don't lose heart. Edit the material and think about the introduction, and whether or not your characters feel solid enough and provide a presence. You should make the reader feel for them. Care for them, even. Keep it up!