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5/27/2010 7:38:27 AM
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So, I'm writing a story. Title: Crystal [Latest version]

I'm writing a story. There was another one I was writing, but it was suck, so I stopped writing it. This is a sample of my story, and I want you guys to give me your opinion. Skip to last page for latest version. [Edited on 06.24.2010 6:28 PM PDT]
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  • [quote]They walked and limped to the outskirts of the simulated city. A lot of prefab buildings had been put up during the hours that the recruits were driving out. They were in what looked like the industrial sector. The warehouse that they wanted to hide in was at the end of the road, but between them and their destination was a kilometre run down a road that was littered with trash, car wrecks and plenty of holes for a smart squad to hide in. Around the corner the sounds of a fire fight could be heard and the constant explosions all around the fake city would mean that it would be hard to hear an ambush. "I know what happens now," Tony said. "Some guys are going to jump us from one of those buildings, one of us is going to get wounded and we'll have to fight through hell to get some cover." "Wow, you're such an optimist," Sarah said sarcastically. "You should do those calendars. You know, the ones with those pictures of kittens saying 'Hang in there, baby!'" "Will you two keep it down?" Reece snapped. "The only way we can do this is through stealth, and we're not being very stealthy. Now stay low and keep quiet." They crouched down and spread out among the wreckage. Moving from burnt out vehicle to destroyed kiosk to roadside crater, they made their way down the main road. "Hey, don't you think that firefight is getting a bit close?" Sarah muttered through the mic. "It won't matter if we get into that warehouse," John whispered back. "Just keep your eyes open. We don't want to be ambushed again." "I don't see why we can't hide in these holes and ambush some other squad," Tony muttered. "We rest first, and then we can start attacking." "It's too quiet here, I'm kinda nervous," Sarah said. "That's why we picked this place. It's quiet and busy at the same time. It's the main route through the town, so the other squads will be using this road, but it's an easy ambush spot, so the smart squads will avoid this place. We can ambush those dumb enough to come through here, and rest in between." "Whoever thought of this plan is a lazy -blam!-. I applaud them," Sarah laughed. "Okay, there's the warehouse," Reece said. "I think two of us should hide in that building across the road." "Sure. Tony, Sarah, why don't you go and make yourselves at home? If you need to tell us something, just use the radio." Reece went up to the warehouse door and cautiously opened it. "I don't see anyone." He opened the door wider. "Nope, there's no one here, c'mon John." "Have fun guys," John said as he closed the door. "So, it's just us two then," Sarah said as they went to the building across. "I guess so. I'll go first." He shoved the door open and jumped back. The door made a loud groan as it opened, revealing a long and dark corridor. "Eerie" Sarah muttered. She turned on the under-barrel flashlight. "I guess we'll have to go in there." Tony hesitated. "Why did I say I would go first?" "Probably because you're chivalrous nutcase. Now hurry up, the night isn't going to get any brighter." Tony sighed. Switching on his flashlight, he stepped into the gloom. Unknown, Unknown System, 5:04 AM, July 7th, 2142. (UEG Calendar) Black Box Recording Fragment 1- Start Recording- Voice 1 (Captain Ronald Resnon) - "Wow, that's a nice planet we found." Voice 2 (Admiral George Ulysses) "Yeah, this'll make a good farming planet." Voice 1 "Okay, commencing planet scan now." - (Pause) - "I'm getting a strange reading from the upper atmosphere, sir." Voice 2 "What do you mean?" Voice 1 "It looks like a-" (Explosion) Voice 1 "Status report!" Voice 2 "Captain, what just happened?" Voice 1 "I don't know! We've been holed straight through from decks 3 to 19! Voice 3 (Lieutenant Devin Lockney) - "Fusion reactors going critical, sir!" Voice 1 "All hands, I am steering the ship on a crashlanding course on the unidentified planet! Brace yourselves!" (Explosion) -End Recording Crystal, Alpha Centauri System, 11:46 PM, January 13th, 2142. Crystal City Military Training Facility Number Seven (CCMTF7). "It's getting hectic out there," Sarah said from her perch at the window. She looked out at the centre of the training zone. The explosions had been going at a constant pace for the past hour since they had checked the building. Yells could be heard from down the street, and gunfire played out like complicated Morse code. Cool wind played with her hair as she looked up at the stars. "It's a nice night. It reminds me of the nights we used to spend camping in the mountains when we were kids." She went silent, waiting for a response. "Tony, all I'm getting is a busy tone, answer the phone." She looked over to where he was sitting. He was fast asleep, looking at peace with the world. Sarah smiled. "That boy could sleep through a thunderstorm." Something fluttered in the dark. Sarah dismissed it as a piece of paper that had been caught by the wind. "Maybe you're right, Tony. The military might not have been right for you. But I want to see the stars, see all those planets out there. Being a colonist isn't enough for me. I want to see as much of this universe as I can before I die. And the only thing I could think of is be a pioneer, or join the marines. And I don't think I'm cut out for piloting a large spaceship." She paused again. "I didn't want to leave without you. We've known each other since we were babies, and to leave a good friend like you behind... I can't bear the thought of not seeing you again. I know you'd think I'm crazy if I told you this while you were awake." She looked off towards the gunfire again. Behind her, Tony slowly closed his eyes. 1:24 AM "Sarah, wake Tony up, we've got company." Voices blared in Tony's earpiece. He felt a pat on his cheek. "Hey, wake up," Sarah's voice said. Tony opened his eyes. "There's a good boy. Now hurry up and get to a window." "Huh? What's going on?" "There's another squad running from all that action happening in town. We're gonna jump 'em." "What, now? Some warning would've been nice!" Tony jumped to his feet and ran to a window. "Hey, they didn't give us any warning, so why should you expect some? Just shake it off. Soon as the bullets start flying, you'll be feeling pretty awake, anyway." "There're only two of them," Reece said through the speakers. "Two? You guys could've handled that, why'd you wake me?" "Look at the way they're running, Tony," John's voice through the speakers. "They look like they've got Hell's army right on their asses. It means we need a little more firepower if we're going to take out everyone." "And I thought I was going to get a good nights sleep," Tony grumbled. "Here they come! Safeties off, let's get ready to rumble!" Jeremy was running for all he was worth. Those bastards from F squad had taken out two of his team-mates, and it was only him and Orrin left. "Hey, Orrin! Is the way up ahead clear?" Jeremy yelled out. "I'm not sure, it's too dark, and there're too many damn cars in the way!" "God dammit! We're walking right into a trap!" "It seems like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place! What do we do?" "How the -blam!- should I know? Just keep running!" And they kept running, but Jeremy still couldn't shake the feeling that someone was waiting for them down the road. A line of bullets impacted the wall next to him. "-blam!-!" He exploded. "-blam!-, -blam!-, -blam!-!" "Jeremy, check the windows! They're right above- Arrgh!" Orrin was knocked violently to the ground by the bullets. Jeremy turned, saw the flash and blacked out as a stun round hit him right between the eyes. "Good shot, Tony!" "Ha-ha! Thanks!" "Eyes sharp! More coming 'round the corner!" "Wait 'til they get close, then nail 'em!" "Okay, shush." John said. The pursuers ran after their quarry. They started to slow down when they saw that they'd lost the other squad. "Wait for it. Wait for it" The other squad took several tentative steps closer. "Okay, now!" The team opened fire. The other squad took whatever cover they could find. One of them was taken out before she could dive to the ground. A second one was hit, but not down, and the remaining two we're unharmed. But that was about to change. "Sarah, Tony, keep them suppressed! Reece has found something that's going to get them out of that hole." "Roger that, John. We'll keep 'em busy." "Heads up guys!" Exclaimed Sarah. "It looks like there's another squad coming around that corner, and they don't look happy that we've stolen all their fun." "Reece, where the hell are we going?" John said as they ran deeper into the building. "That graffiti said something about the warehouse having something that can blow everyone sky high! The instructors have hidden something in here, I know it!" "What do you mean by 'something', Reece? A bigger weapon?" "No I was thinking of something more like" He opened a box. "Grenades" The box was full of knobbly round balls. "Ha-ha! This is great! Let's go and blow some -blam!- up!" "Reloading!" The squad below still hadn't gone down, and Sarah and Tony had wasted two magazines keeping them suppressed. As Tony reloaded, one of them jumped up and fired wildly at his window. "Damn! Hey Sarah, where'd that other squad get to?" "It looks like they're hanging back around the corner, letting us wear each other down"[/quote]

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