I feel as though you've tried to tell the reader too much this time. A rule of thumb is if you can write something shorter, and it doesn't change the effect, you need to do it. You also need to avoid telling the reader how to feel. In this story you've told us how the character feels, which isn't neccesary. I'll do a little edit now with constructive criticism. [quote]The Thing by the Creek(Part 1) I live in a little log cabin about five miles out of town. Out in the woods; [u]out in the middle of nowhere really[/u].[/quote] This underlined segment is an example of what I mean. Most readers will know that a wood means the "middle of nowhere," so it's not necessary to tell them [quote]My wife, Kate, loves it out here. It's beautiful. Calm. Escaping [this feels like the wrong word choice]. Couldn't ask for a better place. She's pregnant, and we're looking forward to having a child. I think I'll be a good father, at least, I hope. We also have a creek behind our house. That's where I intend to play with my child someday. Skipping rocks or something---you know[I would also personally leave out things like 'you know,' but that's a personal thing so if it works for you, leave it in].[/quote] [quote]Unfortunately, at the moment, I work at Taco Bell. So I get to serve people all day. Which, I guess, you serve people in almost every job in the world. If not all of them[these last two sentences are further examples that seem unnecesary to me]. But that's not the type of "serving" I mean. I hate asking people hundreds of times a day, "Hi, welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?" I don't know, maybe it's just me.[/quote] I'm not sure you need to state the name of the place he works, something like 'a restaurant' would work okay. Also, if you leave in the name, it reduces the number of people who can identify with it. Again though, it's a personal thing. [quote]My wife's the one with a great job. She's a nurse. And that kind of makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Like I'm a waste of space. Our salaries are insanely different. I know that she doesn't care about dumb shit like that. But can't help but think like that.[/quote] I really like the comment about him feeling worthless because her job is so meaningful, but I'd keep salaries out of this part. Nurses actually make very little. [quote]Anywho, after work, I get to come home. Which I love considering we live somewhere beautiful. My routine is this exactly: Open the door and take off my shoes and socks. Put on my boots and shorts. Grab a cold beer. Then head to the creek and walk around---and just---relax. This was a wonderful day to be outside. No clouds. And the temperature was perfect. I started to walk around in the creek; the lower part that is. The warmth of the water is so comforting. As if Mother Nature was giving me a hug. I continued to walk around in the creek, until... *Splash* There was a noise coming from the distance. It sounded like someone throwing a massive rock in the creek. Didn't sound like a fish hopping out of the water. Unless that fish was huge. So I crept down there as quietly as possible just in case it wasn't a fish. And to my surprise---it wasn't. It kind of looked like a bear, but not exactly. It had black fur, and its limbs were deformed. I was kind of relieved in a sense because black bears don't really care about humans. More afraid than anything, at least, that's what people say. But this bear had a very unusual body. And it had thrown its own head under water. And just keeping it there. As if it doesn't need any air. Which honestly creeped me out[this is part of what I meant about telling the reader how he feels. Instead of stating this, think about how you could infer it]. I was about to leave until the most frighting thing happened[this too]. *Ring* That didn't just happen. My ringtone isn't what you call, "subtle." I hurried to cancel the call. But by the time I did---it was too late. I heard yet again the noise. *Splash* It felt like liquid-ice[try a different simile] running through my veins. I managed to keep myself calm. "It's just a black bear," I mumbled to myself. I turned around and looked. And was in shock[again, try and infer this instead of stating it]. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. I was shut down in fear[keep at "I was shut down"]. It had no fur on its face. It had white eyes. Its mouth was so wide it reached around to its neck. And it was standing up on two legs. Walking towards me. Slowly. Why can't I move? Why.[Question mark] It was like I was being hypnotized. It got closer. Closer. Closer. Is this it? Am I going to die? Like this.[Question mark] I closed my eyes. Pretty much accepted my fate. It came up to me and stopped. I was too scared to do anything. Opening my eyes was out of the picture. It wasn't making any noise at all. Then suddenly[be very careful when using the word suddenly. In most cases, there are better words to use. I can probably find a link for this if you want the reason why], it started walking away. I finally managed to build up the courage to move. But as soon as my foot exited the water---it stopped walking. And turned to my direction yet again. It seemed this thing was sensitive to sound. Yet blind. At least---I thought. I continued to walk away. Except very cautiously[try a holophrase "cautiously" it may or may not work]. This time without making any major noise. But when I turn[ed] back to look at it I almost threw up. Its eyes expanded. And tilted it's[check apostrophe use] head slightly to the right. This thing can hear, but it can only see when you move. What other reasoning would you have for that shit? I stopped moving in hope that it would just walk away like it did last time. But that simply was not the case, it charged at me with full force, crushing the gravel on the outside of the creek. Its limbs were so deformed it looks[keep in past tense when possible] like some kind of demonic creature running. It was determined. And so was I as I turned to run for my life, almost tripping, becoming dizzy, feeling sick, thinking the worse[worst]. It started screaming. Which I can only describe as what sounded like a baby and a cat combined. Didn't really feel like taking notes on the noise it was making.[remove this last sentence, as he did describe the creature] [/quote] This last stretch is really good - the only other thing I would mention is the use of asterisks with sound effects. I would change that to a very short sentence as a paragraph on its own. [quote]I made it inside my house, slammed the door, and locked it faster than The Flash. I looked out the window[but there was nothing there] only to find nothing. "What the hell, wha---," I passed out. I awake to a car door slamming outside. It's my wife. She came inside with a cheerful expression. "You'll never believe what happened to me today." [b]- Part two will take a while. As I want to find a good way to continue the short story. Constructive criticism is welcome. [/b][/quote] This is a good ending. If you decide not to do a second part, this will work on its own. It's a great story, but needs a couple of edits to get the way its written as close to perfect as possible.

My only tips would be to use more synonyms. Your choice of words and phrasing is fine for the most part, but it could do for some more, "color", if you will. Stories rely on words to paint the imagery. You did a fine job at that, but you can always do better. That was always something one of my English teachers tried to get her students to realize and at the time I was to stubborn to be receptive of it. I'd give examples of words I'd swap out, but I'm lazy and some of them might change the structure a bit to fit with the pov you're using. The other thing is pretty minor, but some of your sentences seem fragmented or you start ba completely new sentence where it should've continued with the current one. Other than that, I enjoyed it and look forward to part two.

Rewriting this with DeMix's permission [The Thing by the Creek (Part 1)] I live in a little log cabin about five miles out of town. Out in the woods; out in the middle of nowhere really. I inherited it from my father, who only died recently of a sudden case of prostate cancer, who inherited from his own father. It took us a while to completely fix the house, as it was in a terrible state when we first arrived. You may have noticed I said us, and you have probably already guessed I'm married. Happily married, in fact. My wife, Kate, loves it out here. It's beautiful, calm and most importantly, escaping. I really couldn't have asked for a better place, or a better wife, as a matter of fact. She's pregnant, and we're looking forward to having a child. They say it's going to be a boy, and I'm excited. I think I'll be a good father, or at least, I hope. I forgot to mention that we also have a sizeable creek behind our house, hidden in the woods, only alerting us that it's there by glistening in the sun on a good summerns day. I intend to play there with my child someday. Skipping rocks or something - you know. Unfortunately, at the moment, I work at Taco Bell, about four hours of driving away, so I get to serve people all day. Which, I guess, you serve people in almost every job in the world. If not all of them. But that's not the type of "serving" I mean. I hate asking people hundreds of times a day, [i]Hi, welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?[/i] I don't know, maybe it's just me. My wife's the one with a great job. She's a nurse at the local hospital and that kind of makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Like I'm a waste of space. Our salaries are insanely different. I know that she doesn't care about stuff like that, but can't help but think about it every once in a while, usually on Monday mornings, 5AM, driving to that stupid Taco Bell. Anywho, after work, I get to come home, which is amazing considering we live somewhere that beautiful. My routine is this exactly: Open the door, take off my shoes and socks and throw them somewhere where I'll probably forget them. Put on my boots and yellow shorts. Grab a cold beer. Then head to the creek and walk around and just relax. As I'm usually already home at about 4PM (I don't work full-time), the sun's always nice and warm and it makes you forget the Taco Bell and the fat customers who ask for ten XL Taco's.That day was no exception, and it was a wonderful time to be outside. No clouds and the temperature was perfect. I started to walk around in the creek; the lower part that is. The warmth of the water was so comforting, as if Mother Nature was giving me a hug. I continued to walk around in the creek, until a sudden splashing noise caught my attention. It was coming from the distance and sounded like someone throwing a massive rock in the creek. It certainly wasn't a fish hopping out of the water, unless that fish was huge, but even then, I'd never seen a fish hop out of the creek. So I crept down there as quietly as possible just in case it wasn't a fish. And to my surprise it wasn't. It looked like some kind of bear, but not like the ones you see on pictures at the National Parks. It had black fur, matching the color of a black bear (which weren't uncommon around these parts) but its limbs were deformed in a terrifying way. I was kind of relieved in a sense because black bears don't really care about humans. More afraid than anything, at least, that's what people say. But this bear had a very unusual body, the back legs looking extraordinary long for a simple bear, not to mention that the beast had deep scars all over the rather big body. It had thrown its own head under water and was just keeping it there. Considering it had taken me sometime to get here after hearing the splash, it apparently hadn't moved since then. As if it didn't need any air. That honestly creeped me out. I was about to leave until the most frightening thing happened. My cellphone rang. That didn't just happen. My ringtone isn't what you call, "subtle." I hurried to cancel the call, but by the time I did, it was too late. I heard yet again the splashing noise and I immediately felt liquid-ice running through my veins. Somehow, Imanaged to keep myself calm. "It's just a black bear," I mumbled to myself and I turned around and looked. And was shocked. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. I was shut down in fear. It had no fur on its face and white, staring eyes. Its grinning mouth was so wide it almost reached around to its neck. The beast was defying all laws of gravity and standing up on two legs, slowly walking towards me. [i]Why can't I move?[/i] It was like I was being hypnotized. It got closer. And closer. [i]Is this it? Am I going to die? Like this?[/i] I closed my eyes, pretty much accepted my fate. I felt it coming up to me and stopping right in front of me. I felt a hot, rotten breath entering my nose, almost making me puke in my own mouth. I was too scared to do anything. Opening my eyes was out of the picture. It wasn't making any noise at all. Then suddenly, it started walking away and I finally managed to build up the courage to move. But as soon as my foot exited the water it stopped walking and turned to my direction yet again. It seemed this thing was sensitive to sound but luckily blind. At least I thought, so I continued to walk away very cautiously, this time without making any major noise. When I turn back to look at it I almost threw up. Its blank eyes expanded slightly and the beast tilted its head slightly to the right. This thing could hear you, but only see movement. I stopped moving in hope that it would just walk away like it did last time, but I wasn't that lucky this time. It charged at me in full force, crushing the gravel on the outside of the creek. Its limbs were so deformed it looked like some kind of demonic creature running, and I probably wasn't far off with that statement. It was determined, but so was I as I turned to run for my life, almost tripping, becoming dizzy, feeling sick, thinking the worse. It commenced screeching an horrifying scream, which I can only describe as what sounded like a baby and a cat combined. I obviously didn't really feel like taking notes on the noise it was making. I made it inside my house, slammed the door, and locked it faster than The Flash himself. I looked out the small window only to find nothing. "What the hell, wha---," I passed out in shock. I awake to a car door slamming outside. It's my wife. She comes inside with a cheerful expression. "You'll never believe what happened to me today."

Would you mind if I 'rewrite' the story? Another user already said that adding flavor to a story'can help a lot, but I felt like an example may be even handiet for you. Do you agree?

Doing some obnoxious reactions adter reading. [quote]The Thing by the Creek(Part 1)[/quote] Oh SHIT! Let's [i][b]goooo[/b][/i] [quote]I live in a little log cabin about five miles out of town. Out in the woods; out in the middle of nowhere really. [/quote] oh hell no. [quote]My wife, Kate, loves it out here. It's beautiful. Calm. Escaping. Couldn't ask for a better place. She's pregnant, and we're looking forward to having a child. [/quote] my man. [quote]I think I'll be a good father, at least, I hope.[/quote] bro i feel you. [quote] We also have a creek behind our house. That's where I intend to play with my child someday. Skipping rocks or something---you know. [/quote] i don't like the sound of this... [quote]Unfortunately, at the moment, I work at Taco Bell. So I get to serve people all day. Which, I guess, you serve people in almost every job in the world. If not all of them. But that's not the type of "serving" I mean. I hate asking people hundreds of times a day, "Hi, welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?" I don't know, maybe it's just me. [/quote] used to work at a burger king, it taught me to hate every single customer. So f[b]u[/b]ck them and their mums. [quote]My wife's the one with a great job. She's a nurse. And that kind of makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Like I'm a waste of space. Our salaries are insanely different. I know that she doesn't care about dumb shit like that. But can't help but think like that. [/quote] I'd feel the same way :( It least you're tapping that. [quote]Anywho, after work, I get to come home. Which I love considering we live somewhere beautiful. My routine is this exactly: Open the door and take off my shoes and socks. Put on my boots and shorts. Grab a cold beer. Then head to the creek and walk around---and just---relax. [/quote] a creek in the backyard is like a michigan basement. They're there to hide dead bodies cause those shits are spoopy. Yes, my basement scares me. [quote]This was a wonderful day to be outside. No clouds. And the temperature was perfect. [/quote] hope you brought a gun just in case. [quote]I started to walk around in the creek; the lower part that is. The warmth of the water is so comforting. As if Mother Nature was giving me a hug. I continued to walk around in the creek, until...[/quote] mother nature is a [b][i]whore[/i][/b][spoiler]I'd pipe though...[/spoiler] [quote]*Splash*[/quote] drip [quote]There was a noise coming from the distance. It sounded like someone throwing a massive rock in the creek. Didn't sound like a fish hopping out of the water. Unless that fish was huge. So I crept down there as quietly as possible just in case it wasn't a fish. And to my surprise---it wasn't. [/quote] ida went home and drove the hell out. Nonexistent honey, we moving [quote]It kind of looked like a bear, but not exactly. It had black fur, and its limbs were deformed. I was kind of relieved in a sense because black bears don't really care about humans. More afraid than anything, at least, that's what people say. But this bear had a very unusual body. And it had thrown its own head under water. And just keeping it there. As if it doesn't need any air. Which honestly creeped me out. I was about to leave until the most frighting thing happened.[/quote] ...that gun would definitely be in handy [quote]*Ring*[/quote] dear lord help my mans [Quote]That didn't just happen. My ringtone isn't what you call, "subtle." I hurried to cancel the call. But by the time I did---it was too late. I heard yet again the noise. [/quote] [b][i]RUUUUUUN BIIIIIITCH[/i][/b] [spoiler]you're still my favorite though[/spoiler] [quote]*Splash* [/quote] *drip* [quote]It felt like liquid-ice running through my veins. I managed to keep myself calm. "It's just a black bear," I mumbled to myself. I turned around and looked. And was in shock.[/quote] my luck would make me trip... [quote]I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't blink. I was shut down in fear. It had no fur on its face.It had white eyes. Its mouth was so wide it reached around to its neck. And it was standing up on two legs. Walking towards me. Slowly. Why can't I move? Why. It was like I was being hypnotized. It got closer. Closer. Closer. Is this it? Am I going to die? Like this. [/quote] ...into it's mouth [quote]I closed my eyes. Pretty much accepted my fate. It came up to me and stopped. I was too scared to do anything. Opening my eyes was out of the picture. It wasn't making any noise at all. Then suddenly, it started walking away. I finally managed to build up the courage to move. But as soon as my foot exited the water---it stopped walking. And turned to my direction yet again. [/quote] OH NOE HE SEEZ MEEE [quote]It seemed this thing was sensitive to sound. Yet blind. At least---I thought. I continued to walk away. Except very cautiously. This time without making any major noise. But when I turn back to look at it I almost threw up. Its eyes expanded. And tilted it's head slightly to the right. This thing can hear, but it can only see when you move. What other reasoning would you have for that shit?[/quote] if you're lucky. it could be one of those rare "special ed" bears... [quote]I stopped moving in hope that it would just walk away like it did last time. But that simply was not the case, it charged at me with full force, crushing the gravel on the outside of the creek. Its limbs were so deformed it looks like some kind of demonic creature running. It was determined. And so was I as I turned to run for my life, almost tripping, becoming dizzy, feeling sick, thinking the worse.[/quote] [b][i][u]yikes[/u][/i][/b] [quote]It started screaming. Which I can only describe as what sounded like a baby and a cat combined. Didn't really feel like taking notes on the noise it was making. [/quote] turn around and punch it in da throat! [quote]I made it inside my house, slammed the door, and locked it faster than The Flash.[/quote] hi my name id Demix and [b][i][u]I'm fast as fvck boi![/u][/i][/b] [quote]I looked out the window only to find nothing. "What the hell, wha---," I passed out. [/quote] Tell taco bell to give you a raise so you can build a weapons bunker [quote]I awake to a car door slamming outside. It's my wife. She came inside with a cheerful expression. "You'll never believe what happened to me today." [/quote] tell her you're moving before the bear gets Winnie on you. [quote][b]- Part two will take a while. As I want to find a good way to continue the short story. Constructive criticism is welcome. [/b][/quote] Fun read, no clue why i did this myself thouhh.

Pretty good. The build-up could be longer though, but this is coming from an Alfred Hitchcock junkie. 7/10

Well done, the suspende could use a little work, and you fix this by elongating the suspense and changing your word choice to something with a more frighting connotation. Over all the story is well developed and is interesting. 8/10

You're a good story teller

Very nicely done! The creature reminds me of a wendigo (or at least until Dawn’s version of it) and the seclusion of the story is very chilling. I don’t know if it’s just me reading fast or if it’s the story but I thought that the climax of it running toward him came a little fast. A little tip to bring suspense is To. Space. Words. Like. This. When you are getting to a defining feature in a story like: “I gasped in complete and utter shock as it lifted its head from feasting on my friend, and that’s when I saw It. Had. No. Face.” Anyhoo I really can’t wait to see more of this story! :)

Nice man! I enjoyed that, can’t wait for part 2