So there were 4 men flying in a plane over the ocean and it went down (must have been a Malaysia Airlines flight). Luckily they crashed near an island and they swam ashore. As the 4 men were recovering on the beach a war party of the island's natives came upon them carrying spears and bows. The natives told the men "Do as we say and we won't kill you. Now each of you go into the jungle and bring us some fruit." The task was easy enough so the 4 men went into the jungle. Soon the first man came out carrying an apple. He gave it to the natives and they told him, "Stick that whole fruit into your ass and we'll let you live in our village and marry one of our women, fail and we'll cut off your head." Left with no choice the first man tried to stick the apple up his ass, but he couldn't do it so they chopped off his head. After a short while the second man emerged carrying a banana, The natives told him the same thing, but try as he might he couldn't get the last bit of stem up his ass so they chopped off his head. At last the third man came out of the jungle carrying just a handful of berries. He was told to stick them up his ass too, so he sat down and started popping them in one at a time. He had only one more to go when suddenly he laughed and all the berries came flying out of his ass, leading the natives to chop off his head. Now in the afterlife the 3 dead men reunite and one of them asks the third man, "You almost made it. You had just one more berry to put up your ass, why did you laugh?" and the third man replied: "I saw Jerry walk out of the jungle carrying a -blam!-ing pineapple.

A mentally ill boy cant speak, as in he dosent know any words. One day he decides to learn. He goes into the living room where he finds his sister. She is listening to music and saying "uh-huh, uh-huh" He then goes to the kitchen and taps his mom, who is on the phone. He looks at him and shouts "BE QUIET!" He then hears a timer ding, and his grandma says "my buns are ready!" He then goes to his lil bros room, and he is running around the room and saying, "Im Batman!" The boy then goes outside to his dad taking out the trash. His dad is singing "in the garbage, in the garbage," (to the tune of Clementine). The boy then decides to show everyone what he had learned. He goes to the school the next day. When the teacher calls on him, he says "BE QUIET!" When the teacher asks "would you like to go to the principal's office?" He says "uh-huh, uh-huh" when he gets to the principal's office, the principal asks,"what is your name?" The boy replies "Im batman!" The principal then asks, "where do you live?" The boy replies "in the garbage, in the garbage," The principal has had enough. So he says "would you like a spanking?" The boy then puffs out his chest and says confidently: "My buns are ready!"

What do you call a 7 year old with no friends? [spoiler]A Sandy Hook survivor[/spoiler] Ban hammer incoming.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close. His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken name and I want to get rid of it forever." He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with. Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee. Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist. It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This little guy was decked out. When Ving and his old man saw each other, they both started bawling, and embraced each other. Out of his tears, Ving said "Dad, I love my name. I want to be Ving forever, and I'm going to name my kids Ving, and they're going to name their kids Ving, and-" And the old man said "Dont, stop. Be Lee, Ving! Hold onto that fee, Ling."

One day, two men died and were sent to heaven. However, heaven was getting pretty full and God needed to control the population somehow. So, he sent Satan to stand at the gates of heaven and confront anyone who wanted to go to heaven. The person or persons wanting to go to heaven would have to ask Satan one question, if Satan get's the question right, the person asking would be sent to hell. However, if Satan get's the question wrong, the person who asked would be sent to heaven. Back to the story, the two men walked right up to the pearly gates to confront the Devil himself. One of these men happened to be very smart, having a good education and graduating from a top notch college. The other however, happened to be a complete dumbass. Dropping out of school in 2nd grade to live with the wolves and live off [i]dewritos[/i], this man had almost no formal education and one might even consider him 'special'. So, the smart man walked up to Satan and asked him to solve the hardest math equation in the world. Satan materialized a chalk board and wrote down the answer to the world's hardest math equation. The smart man was sent to hell. Next came the... um... dumbass man. He walked up to Satan scratching his ass and yelling [i]Deej nutz![/i] all the way. [i]wait wha? How in the hell does this complete dumbass of a man know about B.net, let alone Deej? Ok alright never mind. Back to the story.[/i] The man gave Satan a wooden chair that he happened to be carrying with him, and asked Satan to drill 9 holes into it. The man than asked Satan to feed him 10 burritos. After the man finished eating the burritos, he sat on the chair and let out a loud, stinky, and all-around horrifying fart. Satan, covering his nose, asked him what the question was. The dumb man said... "Tell me which hole my fart came out of." Satan looked at the chair and said "Bottom one to the left." The dumb man than said "No, it was my butthole." The dumb man was sent to heaven. A few seconds later, the devil killed himself.

What went through the heads of the children at Sandy Hook in the final moments of their lives? [spoiler]Bullets[/spoiler]

Why did Star Wars 4,5,6 come out before 1,2,3??? In charge of productions, yoda was

Why do Titans always win staring contests? Because they can't blink. Bah-Dum-Tisss

...

So Tony Stark, Dean Winchester, Irene Adler, and Captain Jack Harkness all walk into a bar. [spoiler]The rest of the joke has been censored by the universe itself.[/spoiler]

Obama

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman [b][spoiler]The back of my hand[/spoiler][/b]

The dark below

Are you sitting on a pile of sugar? Because dat ass is sweet

Read these reviews on Amazon for Veet for men. http://t.co/dR78a2EsP6

A blind guy walks in to a all feminist bar ( is that a thing in the states? ). He goes up to the bartender and says: " Hey, want to hear a blonde joke?". The bartender says: " Sir, let me just inform you that I am a blonde, the women sitting to your right is a boxing champion; and is a blonde, the women sitting to your left is a mercenary; and is a blonde, and there is a women sitting by the table behind you, who is a very good prosecutor; she is also a blonde. Now that you know this, do you still want to tell a blonde joke?" The blind man says:" No, I don't want to repeat myself four times."

Pen