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6/8/2013 6:13:41 PM
3
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What does that mean?
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Edited by TURRETS: 6/8/2013 6:42:14 PMIt needs some work. Your intro is saying that this guy is running for his life on the moon with this Lisa and that when he wakes up he's been turned into this machine for the Traveller. I'm assuming you wanted to get across the idea that he had been shot down by an enemy like the fallen or something based on your final paragraph, but not everyone is going to come to that conclusion. Your brief "flashes" that you set up don't tell enough of the story beforehand in order to set up what you've got going on in the end with him wanting revenge or some shit. There is nowhere that the reader can imply that this Exo has been saved by or picked up by the traveller after being mortally wounded by an enemy. For all we know he could have been wounded and chased by the Traveller itself. Your description and imagery are good in the body paragraphs even if they are a bit elementary, but the poor grammar kills the story. I don't really know where to start with the grammar because there's just so much wrong with it. Grammar isn't something that your English teachers make you use so they can grade papers easier. It helps a piece flow. You use a ton of contradictions, and it gets old. You'll get better if you keep writing. The premise is good. The picture in the previous post is Lisa with a mediocre face.
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Thanks for the feedback. First let me address the grammar. It's always been my weakness. I've looked for online grammar classes, but I haven't found any I can connect to yet. However, this is a first draft. I haven't gone through and re-read, or edited any of this story. This is exactly how I wrote it, first draft. So, yeah there are going to be errors. About the actual context of the story. I intentionally left it open. I didn't want to say he actually was on the moon. That is why he can't remember, because I wanted to leave it open to speculation. Was that really "His" last memory as a human, or was it just the memory of someone the Traveler couldn't save. I was trying to make it seem like maybe it could be his memories or just the memories of others. Just memories that the Traveler "loads" into Exos to give them their drive, their sinister nature. So thats what I was going for. Maybe I could tone down the first paragraphs "dreams". What do you mean about contradictions? At any rate, thanks for the feedback.
