Once upon a time, (a few hundred million years ago), there lived a little one-celled animal called "Amoeba". No one really knew where Amoeba had come from. They say his Fairy God-Mother named "Mutation" had created him. Certainly he could not have come from God, because after all, atheists must disbelieve in God as a matter of religious faith. No, the Fairy God-Mother named "Mutation" must have waved her magic wand and "poof!", Amoeba came into existence. Nevertheless, this little Amoeba was very lonely. He had no friends to play with. Amoeba also did not have any arms or legs, so he had to stay home all day just floating around in the water. How boring! One day, Amoeba decided what he would do to make his life more interesting. He would ask his Fairy God-Mother named Mutation to wave her magic wand over him! Yes, Amoeba would become a fish! So, Amoeba asked Mutation, and she waved her magic wand over Amoeba. "Poof!" Amoeba pushed out in all directions! Now he had fins and scales and now - now he could swim! Still, this little fish was not happy. Amoeba could only stay home in the water and still did not have any arms or legs and could not walk. Amoeba swam back and forth wondering what he should do. Why of course! He would ask Mutation to wave her magic wand once again. Amoeba asked Mutation, and she waved her wand again. "Poof!" Amoeba was now a salamander! Now he could venture out of the water! And so, he did! He played on the sand at the beach. "Thank you!", he said to his Fairy God-Mother. (Amoeba could not thank God, because, after all, he was an atheist, and atheists must always disbelieve in God. No, he must thank his "Fairy God-Mother" instead.) Still, this little salamander was not happy. He could not run around for long on the ground, but was told that he had to stay near his home in the water. He wondered what he would do. Why, of course! He would ask his Fairy God-Mother, Mutation to wave her wand. He asked Mutation, and she waved her wand again over Amoeba. Then..."Poof!" He became a lizard! Now he could walk around a lot on the ground. Still, he was not happy. It was not much of an improvement he thought from being a salamander. "Couldn't you please give me a 'free upgrade'?", Amoeba begged Mutation. "I want to be a mammal!" Mutation, the Fairly God-Mother, listened to Amoeba's request. She thought that this seemed reasonable, so she waved her wand again over Amoeba. "Poof!" Amoeba was now a mouse! You would have thought that Amoeba would now be happy, but he wasn't happy. No, he wanted another "upgrade". This time he wanted to be a "higher mammal". He wanted to be a Monkey! Well, Mutation wasn't amused. She thought to herself that Amoeba might want even more: to one day become a Human. Amoeba insisted that this was not true. No, he only wanted to become a monkey. Well, the wand was lifted again and "poof!" Amoeba was now a monkey! Amoeba swung from the trees and had a good time. But, after a while, Amoeba became bored. He could run around, and even swing, but he could not stand erect. No, Amoeba wanted to become a Man. Well, Mutation was not too happy when Amoeba came and asked her if he could be turned into a man. Mutation said, "What? I thought you said you did not want to become a man." Well, Amoeba said that he really did, so Mutation waved her magic wand and "poof!" Amoeba became a Man! He still needed a friend to play with, so he asked Mutation and "poof" Amoeba made a Woman to be his friend. She become his wife, and they all lived happily ever after.

One time I was walking around in the woods looking for bottles, because I flint knapped at the time. (Google it) I had my bag nearly full of old beer bottles and old TV glass when I came across a huge hole in the ground, so I poke around trying to figure out what made this hole, its about 15 feet wide and 10 feet deep, full of leaves and little limbs. All of the sudden I come across an old caved in structure, couldn't really tell what it was, so I get closer and look inside, nothing of use inside, full of gardening tools that have rusted away, a wood burning stove covered in dust. So I go back to the hold and grab a limb and jab it at the bottom, testing to see how far the bottom was and if it was muddy, so I climb down and begin sifting through the leaves when I see a white blunt object sticking out of the ground, I pull it up and its a bone, I figured it was just a deer bone or some other animal bone, as I keep sifting I come across more bones. I'm very nervous at this point, there have been reports of bodies being found about 20 miles away from where I was at a crack house that was run by immigrants, but I keep digging, I scrape about 2 more inches down and see a large, round object, my heart pounds and my body goes numb, I dig a little more and pull the object out a little and my body pulses with fear, I'm shaking, its hard to breathe, I can't hear. I crawl out of the hole as quickly as possible and pull out my cellphone and try to call my friend that was a few miles away in the creek looking for arrowheads, no service. I frantically run through the woods back to my 4 wheeler and blast though the thick growth, limbs hitting me in the face, mud flying everywhere and the cold air were almost non existent to me at this point, I reach the creek and scream for my buddy, he calls back from across the creek and runs the to the bank, I told him "Get your ass over here right now you aren't going to believe what I just found." I will never forget the way he looked at me, genuine fear and confusion. We race back to the hole and he goes down and observes the object. He climbs out of the hole and stands next to me with his hands over his mouth. He looks at me with a huge smile on his face and says "We've just hit the jackpot!" That was the day me and my buddy Daniel found the largest piece of Native American Pottery ever to be found in our state, and it was 100% intact with a lid and it contained a peace pipe that was dated to be 230+ years old. [spoiler]the bones were deer bones.[/spoiler]

Sir! Bruce Willis died of a viagra overdose! I guess you could say he... [spoiler]died hard[/spoiler]

There was an old man Named Michael Finnegan He had whiskers On his chin-ne-gan The wind blew them off And blew them on again Poor old Michael Finnegan, Begin Again...

Their once was a pigeon, that killed everyone. The End (GET IT?!)

Sure [spoiler]I'm going to sleep[/spoiler] [spoiler]the end[/spoiler]

Removing these

/r/nosleep. Go read some stories.

#inb4pingpongballsstory Wtf happened to that?

[quote][quote][quote][quote][quote][quote][quote][quote][quote]Because you opened this. you will get kissed on Friday by the person you love or like. Tomorrow will be the best day of your life. Do not break this chain. You have 2 minutes this is not a fake...apparently. Forward this to 15 people in the next 15 minutes and you WILL have the best day of your life tomorrow. You're number one crush will either KISS, ask you out, or call you. If you break this chain, the little girl named Kaitlyn who died 2 years ago on a car crash will be in your room TONIGHT! Good luck <<3, and your time starts, right know No Cheatin[/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote][/quote]

My husband is a dude

>Trump becomes becomes President following Hillary's suicide attempt that landed her in an institution >Bill Clinton has a jolly laugh with Trump about it and is appointed Secretary of State, kindly recommends Trumps some Thai child porn >James Madison rises from the grave to stand with Trump at his inauguration, the original Constitutional document stretched out before the American people the entire time >the entrepreneurial spirits of Andrew Carnegie, JP Morgan and John D. Rockefeller's appear in the clouds above with large smiles of approval as their celebrity apprentice takes the helm of America >suddenly, Trump raises his finger, taking no notice of the fact that his hair is standing as up as erect as the crowds' penises >the American people are ready for it >"The Mexicans..." >half the people in the crowd are masturbating furiously at this point >the Jews are so impacted by this positive goyim energy that they all evaporate into microzions >liberal academics are committing suicide on campuses across the US, Alan Dershowitz attempted to flee to Israel to avoid the Jewish Evaporation but was hit by a truck driven by Norman "the Jew killer" Finkelstein along the way >"...are FIRED" >a jumbotron behind Trump flickers on and shows hundreds of helicopters carrying a large black structure out into the desert, it's literally hundreds of miles long and has free market supplied machine gun turrets placed at 100 foot intervals with unemployed Miss USA security guards manning them >suddenly the cables are released and the structure drops from approximately a kilometer off the ground >Mexicans are suddenly shown screaming to clear away from the shockwave caused by the massive structure >the wall falls perfectly along the US-Mexican border, except the structure was actually 20 miles into Mexico, the Mexican government immediately cedes the lost territory >Putin is scared so shitless of Trump that he invites the Romanovs back to Russia and restores the monarchy