What has two eyes that don't open? [spoiler]a sleeping person[/spoiler]

What do you call a women with two black eyes? [spoiler]a slow learner [/spoiler] What do you call a women with one black eye? [spoiler]a quick learner [/spoiler]

[i]I saw this on another thread, but it's good:[/i] I've always wondered why the Cabal's armor is so good. In recent years I've pinpointed the reason why. The person who makes their armor is... [spoiler]Tony Sta'ark[/spoiler]

Here's an old one. Two men walk into a bar. The first one orders some H2O The second one orders some H2O too. The second man dies. [spoiler]chemistry jokes[/spoiler]

what is green, grows, and has wheels [spoiler]grass, I lied about the wheels[/spoiler]

What do you call a magic owl? HOO-dini!

Click 4 puns [spoiler]Pun database 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!! What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear the other is a great year I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me. The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran. My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve. I'm glad I know sign language. It's pretty handy. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother called to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside of the box. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-Flat-Miner. There is a sign at the drug rehab center that says 'keep off the grass' I saw a movie about beavers last night. It was the best dam movie I've ever seen. When the cannibal showed up late to dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. There was a butcher that accidentally backed into his meat grinder. He ended up getting a little behind in his work. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'. Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. War isn't fighting about who's right. It's about who's left. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. I knew a woman who owned a taser, and man was she stunning! What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways! I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Jokes about German Sausage are the wurst. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro is such a ripoff. A cartoonist was found dead in his room last night. Details are sketchy.. There was an earthquake in Washington today, it's obviously the governments fault. A backwards poet writes inverse. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says; "Hey! We don't want your type here!" A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?” Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. What do you call a guy who has no arms and no legs in the water? bob What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves? russel What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? roberto What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What did the farmer do to find his wife? He tractor down What did Bill Nye take when he was sick? Nyequil! What do you call a cow masterbaiting? Beef stroganoff 2 fish are in a tank. What did one say to the other? How do you drive this What's white and can't climb trees? A refrigerator Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? because of it had four it would be a chicken sedan What's a bagel that can fly? A plane bagel. How many mosquitoes does take to screw in lightbulb two a boy & a girl What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre How do you find will smith in a snow storm? You follow the fresh prince A farmer fed some cows weed...the steaks have never been higher. What kind of food can fix your sink? A PLUMB-er What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk Why should you drink apple juice? Cuz OJ will kill you! What do you do to get rid of bags of nuclear waste? You BERIUM What do you call a train full of weed? Thomas the Dank Engine Hau long is a Chinese name [/spoiler]

Why did the chicken cross the road? [spoiler] Oooh We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it And if you ask me how I'm feeling Don't tell me you're too blind to see Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you (Ooh, give you up) (Ooh, give you up) Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you[/spoiler]

[spoiler] I was only 9 years old I loved Donald Trump I had all the merchandise Every night I’d pray to Trump for deporting illegal immigrants My dad would hear me and call me a racist I knew he was just jealous of my devotion to Donald Trump I called him a -blam!- He slaps me and send me to bed I'm crying now and my face hurts I feel a warmth approach me It was Donald Trump I’m so happy He whispers in my ear “we need to build a wall” Then he gets me out of bed and reaches in his pocket I’m ready I open my wallet for Donald He gives me a small loan of a million dollars It hurts so much, but I do it for Donald I feel my wallet tearing as he puts the money in He roars a mighty roar as he puts the money in My dad walks in and says “what the -blam!-” Donald Trump looks at him and says “you’re fired” Trump leaves through the window Trump is love, Trump is life [/spoiler]

I don't normally care for #Density jokes, but I figure we can relate to this: So yesterday while playing Density, I got a Special Exotic Engram. [spoiler]It gave me a pony.[/spoiler]

Hey girl, did you fall from heaven, cause so did Satan Hey girl, your eyes are like stars, they're really far apart Hey girl, is your body from McDonald's, cause it's all fat and greasy

"How do you make a strawberry shake? [spoiler]You put it in the freezer[/spoiler] " -BlueWestlo

What's a pirate's favorite kind of movie? [spoiler]Arrr rated.[/spoiler] What do pirates drive around in? [spoiler]A carrrr.[/spoiler] What is a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? [spoiler]Arrrby's[/spoiler] What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military? [spoiler]The navy, because they are seafaring people.[/spoiler] What's a pirate's favorite letter? [spoiler]The C![/spoiler] What do a pirate and a pimp have in common? [spoiler]They both walk with a limp and say, Yo ho, yo ho!"[/spoiler]

Hey are u an angle cause I'm allergic to feathers [spoiler]*dead*[/spoiler]

Why did Sally fall off the swing? [spoiler]she had no arms[/spoiler] -Knock Knock -Who's there [spoiler]not Sally [/spoiler]

What happens when batman gets an erection [spoiler] the dark knight rises [/spoiler]