I rescued a baby rabbit from being eaten by a cat. We took it to the vet and my parents said “the doctor fixed the bunny right up and he now has a new home.” By “the doctor fixed the bunny right up and he now has a new home,” they meant they put it out of its misery. By “put out of its misery,” they mean they killed it.

It was Christmas Eve and I went to the Christmas party at my wife's work. Then suddenly a bunch of heavily armed German terrorists took over the building taking everyone as hostages, luckily I was able to slip away. They interrogate an executive, wanting the vault codes in the attempt to steal $640million in bearer bonds, but the exec won't play ball and so they kill him! I pull the fire alarm hoping this will alert the authorities. A single cop shows up, who looks like the dad on Family Matters (is that racist??) But one of the terrorists posed as a consierge and tells him everything is ok. As he starts to drive away I'm forced to throw the body of one of the terrorists I was able to kill out the window onto the hood of his patrol car. I see a guy on the roof who claims to be an escaped hostage and so I hand him a gun which he tries to shoot me with. Heh heh heh it was unloaded, sucka! More terrorists show up and I manage to kill a couple of them before having to escape myself! Shit is getting hectic, bro! Little did I know it was about to get even moreso.... The FBI shows up and like a typical government run organization they play right into the terrorists hands by cutting the power which disarms the final lock on the vault!! To make matters worse the fake, leftist media shows up and airs a photo of me!!! Which leads to the head terrorist saying 'oh shit, I know that motha-blam!-a!!' (Having seen my photo on my wifes desk) They demand a helicopter to escape in, the FBI, again showing their incompetence (but what do you really expect being in Obama's pocket??) Intend to double cross them. So the terrorists plant the explosives on the roof hoping to fake their deaths and escape as hostages. They also send most of the hostages to the roof planning to kill them, as well. But I ain't having it, not [i]ANY[/i] of it! I show my badass fighting skills and take out one, get to the roof, getting the hostages off the roof, just in time. Of course the FBI shoots at me, then good guy with a gun. I tell 'hey, I'm white, boi!!!' But maybe they can't hear me? I tie a water hose around my slim waste and jump off the roof just in time as the explosives are detonated. I crash through a window and get glass all in my foot. And in my head I'm thinking "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..." I see two terrorists, including the leader, with my wife and at first I'm like 'bitch better not be turning me into a cuck after all this!' But no, just using her as leverage. I'm forced to give up my gun otherwise they will kill her. Good thing I was thinking ahead and taped a pistol to my back, bruh!!! I shoot the leader and kill the other one but the leader grabs my grill and tries to pull her over the side. At this point I'm thinking grill is a lot of work, maaaaayyyyybbbbeeeeeeee......but I end up walking over, in undoing her watch and watch the leader plummet to his death while I dab on the fool.

i'll have you know that i've [spoiler]unclogged many a toilet in my day[/spoiler]

Talked someone out of suicide. Talked myself out of it in the process tbh.

this

I was in a McDonald's one time and waiting to order. This woman with 3 kids in front of my was taking forever to order and I needed to get back to work, but you know, I was raised not to be an asshole like the moron behind me. So anyways, the manager has walked by about 3 different times looking at this growing line of people and done jack all in typical McDonald's fashion and people are getting irritated. The woman senses this and between her kids being hungry and whining, started to get upset & cry. At this point, I don my Captain Save A Ho cape and step up and ask what is the matter. The cashier tells me the woman is short on funds. So naturally, I ask hoe much and the cashier tells me, [i]"Well, uhm, about tree-fiddy!"[/i] It was right there I knew this weren't no damn McDonald's, but that damn Loch Ness Monsta!! So I told dat Loch Ness Monsta to get the hell outta here and we all went to Chick-fil-A and had some decent fast food instead!

... Sold people the DLC... [spoiler]not included in the DLC[/spoiler]

I on the contrary killed some animals. :^)

Saving the universe