Ready to cringe? What happened to the racecar driver after he ate too much Taco Bell? [spoiler]He got indi-gestion![/spoiler] Why did the ninja go to the doctor? [spoiler]He had the Kung-flu![/spoiler] Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? [spoiler]It was just a stage he was going through.[/spoiler] Customer to waiter: Do you have spaghetti on this menu? Waiter to customer:[spoiler]No, but I think we have some in the kitchen![/spoiler] Did you hear about the resturant on the moon? [spoiler]The food was fantastic, but it had no atmosphere.[/spoiler] And of course... [spoiler]My ex-wife still misses me, BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!!![/spoiler] \(•-•)/

Man wakes up in hospital after a serious accident, He calls: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replies: [spoiler]"I know, I amputated your arms."[/spoiler]

i have all if these + more in my phone just in case lol. have fun. PUNNY JOKES: What does a nosy pepper do? Get jalapeño business. what do you call a bear without teeth? -a gummy bear It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?” Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man! Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. Learn sign language, it’s very handy. whats long, brown, and sticky? -a stick I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care. if life gives you melons, youre probably dyslexic ~~ make demon ale? When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face. I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. What's the difference between a Circus and a Sorority? -One is a Cunning array of Stunts Why shouldn't you hire a midget as a chef? The steaks are too high wanna hear a joke about potassium? K. Never trust an atom. they make up everything Two atoms are walking down the road, one turns to the other "I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive" A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw" A Freudian slip is where you say one thing, but you mean your mother. A baby seal walks into a club. What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? (in Sean Connery voice) Ten-ish. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A cant opener Have you heard about the new pillows made out of corduroy? -theyre making headlines Grammar: the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

They're are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off. How many bricks are left?[spoiler]499[/spoiler] What are the three steps to putting an elephant into a fridge?[spoiler]open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge[/spoiler] What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?[spoiler]open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge[/spoiler] The lion king is having a birthday party and all the animals attend but one, which one and why?[spoiler]the giraffe, he's in the fridge[/spoiler] Sally wants to get across an alligator infested river, the only way across is to swim. She swims across safely, why?[spoiler]the alligators are at the birthday party[/spoiler] Why did sally die anyway?[spoiler]a brick fell on her head[/spoiler]

Wanna know how to get a Jewish girls number? [spoiler]Look at her wrist[/spoiler] #Inb4 ban

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man, running the stand... [spoiler]Quack Quack Quack[/spoiler] [spoiler]silly you, ducks don't talk[/spoiler]

What do you call a black woman getting an abortion? [spoiler]Crime Prevention[/spoiler] [spoiler]Inb4ban[/spoiler]

Just heard this one. I chuckled ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? [spoiler]None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.[/spoiler]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? [spoiler]20. One to change the bulb and 19 to make a documentary about it.[/spoiler] [spoiler]Back at it with the feminist jokes ;)[/spoiler]

The ocean is salty because the beach never waves back

So a vegan woman wanted to prove vegans can do anything. So she decided to climb Mount Everest with 5 other people. She died have way up the mountain. Do you want to know how she died? She ran out of oxygen [spoiler]Telling everyone she was vegan.[/spoiler]

What is white on top and black on the bottom? [spoiler]Society[/spoiler]

Gaaaagh okay! *runs into spotlight* *grabs mic* Uhm.... *scratches head* *sniped*

My ex still misses me [spoiler]BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER![/spoiler]

I'm gonna make you piss yourself

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? [spoiler]One. She puts the bulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.[/spoiler]

"I lost the sun yesterday..." "Oh, what happened?" "I spent all night thinking about it [spoiler][b][i][u]then it dawned on me."[/u][/i][/b][/spoiler]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carol agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said, "Darling please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!"

'Twas the First Day of High School, and all through the day It was a good time for many, as everyone was gay. But stepping off the bus, was Theodore Noxx Tite Who was the baddest of them all, being nicknamed "Dynamite" During P.E. class, rumor spread of a ruthless school gang Who weren't afraid of anything, and wouldn't be afraid to bang. This gang knew all, and knowing all, knew Tite Who wouldn't be afraid to show up and fight. So during P.E. class, the gang made their approach Under the command of none other than Leo the Roach. The Roach called Tite out that day To a fight, said he, "What do you say?" The class, hearing and seeing, stopped what they were doing And gathered around the two, cheering and booing. The Roach was then showed up by Tite, Who said he had no gun or knife, and shouldn't fight. Suddenly confused by Tite, Roach replied, "Does it really matter? I can still cut you nice and wide." And thus were Tite's last words before the fight, "But I'm T.N.T.! I'm Dynamite!" "I'm T.N.T., and I'll win that fight!" "Yeah, I'm T.N.T., and I'm a powerload!" "Yeah, I'm T.N.T.! Watch me explode!" [spoiler]Twenty-five students died in an explosion, later that day. Thus, ended the time of happiness, for no longer was anyone gay.[/spoiler]