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How my grandmothers funeral was a mess This might not be as funny to people that aren’t me, but I find the whole ordeal to be pretty hilarious. Also, nobody at the funeral was beside themselves other than a few tears here and there. It was sad, but as funerals should, it had plenty of happiness. It’s also pretty long so feel free to skip over it if you deem it too boring To start was the wake. On the way there me and my brothers were seated in the back of our super huge, super old Sprinter. We were completely quiet until my brother pulled a Bluetooth speaker out of his jacket and blared Finnegan’s Wake as loud as possible. If you haven’t heard the song, it’s an Irish folk song depicting a horrible wake for a man who wasn’t really dead. Basically a lotta drinking, dancing, and then a huge fistfight that wakes the “dead” man up. It was disrespectful as hell but everyone in the car thought it was funny and we listened to it on repeat for the rest of the 30 minute ride. I’ve got a lot of cousins. Imagine 30+ children running rampant through a giant room full of grandmas mean friends (grandma herself was kinda mean..but never in a painfully hurtful way. She was just tired) Through the entire 6 hour wake, old people were loudly scolding small children left and right. The kids took this as a challenge found new ways to piss off the older folks as often as possible. No adult had any control over the situation. The little relief that they had was when the kiddos were squished into a small room to eat snacks brought for the family. NOT the usual guests. We were gonna be there for a while so this was basically our dinner. Me and my sister were in charge of watching all the kids in the snack room (not by choice. We showed up for food and everyone dumped their babies on us.) I’m in there dishing out sandwiches when a woman comes in. She’s my aunts husbands ex-wife. She was not invited to the wake because she’s in no way a member or friend of our family. It was bad enough that she had inserted herself in the receiving line, now she’s in here filling two whole plates of food for herself. She even took the juice boxes that were brought SPECIFICALLY for the kids. Then she ate it literally in front of the casket. I left the room for a while but according to my mom and sister, she just kept coming back and taking more. We had a good laugh about that on the way home. The funeral itself was.....something. My aunts and uncles wanted to include as many grandchildren as possible in the service, so the lineup went as follows: my sister and cousin do a duet on violin, and my brothers and cousin are alter servers. That was the plan until a certain aunt decided her daughter with the amazing voice should sing the Ave Maria. This kid was 10 years old, had no formal voice training, and was not as special as her family believed. But there’s no way to say “your kid sucks we’re not putting her in the service” so in she went. The violin duet was okay (my cousin sucks but my sister could mask it) and the alter servers were also ok (cousin managed to drop 3 things and drip candle wax on his head) and then the Ave Maria came. This kid belted it out with such passion that half the notes fell flat and her voice cracked on every vibrato. I was in the front row so thankfully I could get away with smiling. After the service her mom just HAD to go around asking every single person what they thought of her amazing daughters voice. What an ordeal. After the service there was a bit of a commotion. My great-aunt was upset that her son wasn’t there. He said he was coming and never showed, not even to the dinner after. She was so unhappy she didn’t invite him to the party at her house the next day. He still showed up to the party. This guy has 1 leg from a motorcycle accident. The day of the funeral he slipped in the shower, hit his head, blacked out, and woke up two hours later in cold water with a nasty concussion. Then he threw up a bunch, passed out some more, and missed the funeral. Later that day he called a friend of his to take him to the hospital. He would’ve called his mom but he didn’t want her to miss anything or worry about him. His mom was still mad at him -_- The party took place at my great-aunt and uncles mansion on a lake. My god it was a beautiful house. I found myself a couch in their gigantic basement to sit for a while and let my headache calm down. It seemed the one-legged dude had the same idea. He sat next to me and we talked for a little while about our concussions. His was pretty similar to mine, but his was still fresh and mine was over two years old at that point. It just so happened that the couch was seated right outside of the play area swarming with kids, a few of which thought it would be funny to hit one-legged guy with their foam swords. Those swords were the hardest foam swords on the planet. They played with him a bit. They had a joke where they’d “hit” him in the leg, but it wasn’t there. This went on until a younger one learned that if you hit him in the head, he’d be in pain. After hitting him twice in his newly-squished brain, they scampered off but not before hitting ME in the head just for good measure. Fckin kids. The last piece of the story was when we returned home to Pennsylvania to find two packages outside our door. Inside were two new vacuum cleaners. We hadn’t ordered them. We checked amazon to see that they were ordered from my moms account on the day of the party after the funeral. My mom had kept her phone in her pocket the entire day. Nobody could’ve ordered them. My grandmas favorite thing to do when she came over was buy my mom new appliances. Every time she came over she’d complain about what we had and the next day it’d be in a package by our door. One visit it was a toaster oven, the visit before it had been a pressure cooker. She bought all these off my moms account, and usually paid her for them in cash. The last visit she made to our house was a short one, so she didn’t buy anything, but she did complain quite a bit about our old vacuum.........

[spoiler][b][i]pp[/i][/b][/spoiler]

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You've got a face only a mother could give up for adoption.

Poop

I don't think I have anything PG, so here is a bump!

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No. I refuse