[b]BNG_suitwearingmothafaka Said:[/b] [quote]We have heard the cries of the minority and have balanced the game to appease them. [b]Speaker: so far to walk to plz bring closer.[/b] [u]Done. Deleted speaker, placed his inventory in eververse for purchase with silver.[/u] *Counts Cash* [b]Vangard table: to big for just 3 people.[/b] [u]Nerfed table into Kiddie Table, but the kiddie table was flying a bit too high with all the people around it, so..... removed Cayde-6 and Ikora from the game to compensate[/u] [b]Chroma: way to bright for eyes.[/b] [u]Installed sunglasses, drastically lowered visual acuity. Eyes were over used for enemy and object detection. This should make the 4 other senses more attractive.[/u] [b]Sparrows: too fast need training wheels.[/b] [u]We didn't really want to nerf such a well balanced item in the game, so we have implemented a "Highway Patrol" Exceeding the in-game speed limit outside of SRL will be punishable by a 10,000 glimmer fine. If unable to pay your account is restricted from all Sparrow use until weekly reset.[/u] [b]All weapons: they hurt people.[/b] [u]We are slowly nerfing all of this. Be patient stupid[/u] [b]Tree near gunsmith: blocks my view.[/b] [u]Deleted gunsmith, now it blocks your view of nothing.[/u] [b]Stairs in tower and reef: this is a trip hazzard/ health and saftey first.[/b] [u]Thanks for pointing this out. We have nerfed them into slides, you can now only go down and cannot get back up.[/u] [b]Health bar: distracts me from super bar.[/b] [u]Understood. Nerfed size of the health bar.[/u] *Reviews reports of guardians complaining about a seemingly reduced amount of health, and giggles* [b]Super bar: distracts me from health bar.[/b] [u]Got it. Removed supers[/u] [b]Grenade and Melee bar[/b] [u]Removed from game.[/u] *Laughs at reports of grenades and melee attacks not working because it was a stealth nerf* [b]Descending into the abyiss: takes to long to fall down.[/b] [u]Shortened the distance of the fall, but to compensate also adjusted the gravity settings on the moon to lower the terminal velocity of your guardian to compensate. So...... neutral change. YAY![/u] [b]Atheon: moves around to much.[/b] [u]Fixed with stealth removal of grenades[/u] [b]Crota: sword to big.[/b] [u]Due to convoluted coding involved with the Crota encounter, we couldn't reduce the size of the sword, so we made Crota larger to make the sword appear smaller. #rekt[/u] [b]Oryx: genitals not in proportion with size of body.[/b] [u]Removed "Junk", has the side effect of increasing movement speed and aggression due to inability to relive himself. This should help[/u] [b]Ball in tower: to bouncy.[/b] [u]Increased gravity settings in tower, adjusted material composition of ball to better reflect the new gravity settings[/u] *Whispers* Another neutral change lol. [b]Xur: to hard to find.[/b] [u]Removed Xur from game. Xur was over used in strange coin spending applications, this change should make other options more attractive[/u] [b]Ships: too much aim assist in them.[/b] [u]Ships always get to their destination, this is obviously a huge concern. *Whips out graph* As we can see here 100% of guardians get to the exact destination 100% of the time (not accounting for network errors). Clearly something needs to be done. We have reduced ship effectiveness by 40%. So now there is only a 60% chance that you will make it to your intended destination. The rest of the time you'll end up in the wrong mission, dead, or get an error. You can now purchase "Sterling Fuel" from eververse to counter act this change. 1 Unit per deployment, 300 silver for 5 units.[/u] [b]Running: hurts my knee joints[/b] [u]Removed the run feature from all guardians. Added "Knee Brace" to eververse for 2000 silver to restore the run ability. It's an legendary artifact from the golden age. For an additional 500 silver you can purchase the "The Last Knees" and exotic version with the life exotic perk, Run and Jump Restored. [/u] [b]Jumping: really hurts knee joints and creates arthritis[/b] [u]See above[/u][/quote]

[quote]Descending into the abyiss: takes to long to fall down.[/quote] That's an interesting way to spell abyss. [spoiler]Good job with the rest of the post though, very entertaining to say the least[/spoiler]

Funny post this is what more of the forums should be like No Salt

Nerfing a tree? Sounds like something Bungie would do.

Nerf Omnigul. Hurts my ears

Nerf Rocks. Too Pointy. Nerf Oryx. I hate the letter O. Nerf The floor, it is cement instead of concrete. Nerf the Sky, too blue and it hurts my precious eyes. Nerf the air, the air in venus is too hot. Nerf Spirit Bloom, its against my religion.

You forgot to say nerf alchemist raiment. Everyone uses it too much.

Oh boy, more unoriginal sh*tposting masquerading as "satire." Not a single example on that list is even clever.

Nerf Cayde-6. He's too cool. One shouldn't be that cool. Nerf Cryptarch. He's too much of a troll and won't give good exotics. Put higher safety rails in the tower. Tower jumping suicide is at its highest right now. Nerf Eris Morn. She creeps me out. Nerf Lord Savage. Need I say anything?

Plz Nerf now: Eris. She must be crazy and kids play this game. Her endless mystical rants are opium induced. Have you ever had to read Kuala Khan? Zavala. Nerf him now. He is a scary large military dominant male. He freaks out us gamer millennialist that still live with our parents because we don't want a real job. He is scary like a military recruiter. Ikora: Nerf her. She is Darth Vader's Mother. Cause-6: Bungie weapons tuners have to Nerf him. He is cool and since more than two people like him he has to be nerfed. Can't have anyone actually liking something in this game without it getting nerfed. Tess. NERF HER NOW!!!!! She keeps taking my real money! The Speaker. He has become unimportant since year 1 but Nerf him too just incase. Khvostov. Nobody has used it since the first 5 minuets that they play this game but better safe than sorry.