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Edited by index:
7/8/2015 11:10:16 PM
1051
Funny jokes! revive! (Make me Laugh)
If you make me laugh you go to the winner place
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Edit: 1,000+
English
#Offtopic
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1 Replyhey girl, hold my hand cannon, no my other hand cannon
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Revived
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1 ReplyWhy do black people have nightmares? [spoiler]because the only one who had a dream died[/spoiler] Who are the fastest readers? [spoiler]9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in a matter of seconds[/spoiler] The french invented a new tank with 18 gears. 17 go in reverse and 1 goes forward in case they're attacked from the back What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler? [spoiler]Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race[/spoiler] Women's rights Sorry if you got offended by any of these. I just found them funny
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Why do you never play uno with immigrants? [spoiler]they steal all the green cards[/spoiler]
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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
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Husband (watching a video): Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass! Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching? Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
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2 RepliesAs an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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A young boy walks in on his dad masturbating. "Dad! What are you doing?!" "It's called 'masturbation', son. Don't worry, you'll be doing it too soon enough." "Why is that, dad?" "Because my arm is getting tired."
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4 RepliesThe first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable. Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word. I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike. Great, that has three syllables. Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....." Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful" No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables, but I like the way you think.
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
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Edited by Oh Vucc: 6/25/2015 12:08:38 AMDid you know the Nintendo 64 turned 18 this year? You can now legally blow the cartriges.
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A man goes to the doctor. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" The nurse asks. "There's something wrong with my penís..." The man replied. "Alright sir, just drop your pants and I'll have a look." He hesitates. "It's ok, sir. I'm a professional. I've seen just about everything imaginable." After feeling assured, he pulls down his pants and reveals the smallest penís the nurse had ever seen. She couldn't contain it and ran out of the room laughing. She soon came back and apologized, "I'm so sorry, that has never happened! I swear it won't again! Now! What seems to be the problem with it?" "......it's swollen....."
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1 ReplyWife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before. "I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks," said the first man. "I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house," said the second man. But the third man was certain he got more wasted than his friends. "I got so drunk, I set my entire house on fire!" he argued. "I don't think you guys understand," said the first man. "My dog's name is chunks."
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2 RepliesA guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, you said 'thank god' and for it to stop you said 'amen'. So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted 'Amen!' and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. 'Whew,' he said. 'Thank god.'
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4 RepliesTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
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6 RepliesIf a black guy and a Mexican guy both get in a car, who is driving? The cop *knock knock* Who's there? Interrupting cow... Interrup- MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
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1 ReplyI have a gally joke but I do not think 90% will get it. [spoiler]oldie but a goodie[/spoiler] How many Titans dies it take to change a lightbulb? [spoiler]3. 2 to Titan smash everything and 1 to ask a warlock how to do it[/spoiler] How many warlocks does it take to change a lightbulb? [spoiler]0. The Titans smashed everything (including the lightbulbs)[/spoiler] How many hunters does it take to change a lightbulb? [spoiler]I don't know? It's hard to count when they are all invisible.[/spoiler] How can you contact bungie? [spoiler]by throwing stacks of $100s at your tv screen.[/spoiler]
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Wow. Doing this again?
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A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
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1 ReplyHow do you get a clown out of your swing? - - - - Hit him in the face with an axe.
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2 RepliesA Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe. The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole. The chief screams, "What are you doing?" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"
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1 ReplyWhen someone says they will quit unless something gets nerfed... Deej is minding his own business when... Deej stares in horror at the post He quickly runs out in a blur. He forgets his pants and shirt, But he does not care. He gets into his car, And forgets to buckle up He drives at full speed Over old ladies, and wandering babies He outruns police cars He outdrives the cast of Fast and Furious But then his car breaks down And he travels by land He runs through forests and streams Deserts and Cacti Oceans and coral reefs Taiga and heavy snow Until he arrives at Destiny Headquarters He runs in out of breath Deej: It happened... The staff: No...my god... A woman faints A baby is heard beginning to cry Deej: It must be done... The staff: You can't! It's...unthinkable Deej: Do it now. 1LoVeP3N1s69 will quit other wise... The staff: No! Not him Deej: Yes, it is true he will quit otherwise The staff: We know what we must do... They gather around the computer screen One of them: My god...I can't believe it has come to this Deej moves the mouse onto a button and presses.... NO ONE CARES!!!! With bright confetti shooting everywhere, champagne is passed out, and a chocolate cake is presented to the staff! The moral of this story: Holy Text Wall, Batman! Thanks for reading! ;)
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Thorn doesn't need an Element. From the looks of the forums, it does [b]Emotional Damage[/b].
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
