Naw that wasn't me.

Okey-doke. Anyway, I read it: it seems really overwrought and unnecessarily descriptive. You've got all sorts of expressions that look fine as flowery poetry but seem superfluous in the story. I mean, this paragraph for example: [quote]A pale face of reflective material and mystery muttered behind a white mask. A man of questionable age stepped forward, his face strewn with an indecipherable emotion, an empty desire. His wrinkled face hidden behind a shadow of deception, giving him an ominous aura that would make babies cry and their mother’s weep along with them. [/quote] Not only is it a grammatical mess (well, that's mean: you've got one error [scratch that: the first sentence is intended as an attached clause to the previous dialogue, not the start of a new sentence]), but you've got all sorts of unneeded baggage. It's way too long and seems to say only one or two things of real importance. Don't get me wrong, I understand the fun of putting powerful phrases on page, but you've gotta use them sparingly, else they lose their impact. And while I'm generally fascinated by emotive, personifying description, that extended to the characters dialogue and just made whatever this place is really confusing and unclear. There's a reason why a lot of characters call out others for 'speaking in riddles'. Nice try, but just messy, to be honest. :/

Oh that? Sorry I was trying to make my paragraphs shorter and easier to read and just sort of went through and split them up. 3-4 sentences per paragraph is a bit easier to follow. As for the messy writing part, well I really only wrote poetry and short stories before I started writing this, that may be the problem. I'll try to dumb it down a bit. I gotta stop being so flamboyant with my word placement. I need to draw a fine line between my poetry writing style and my story writing style I guess. :T [spoiler]I might as well just scrap this and re-write it since I do that for most of the chapter honestly.[/spoiler]

I feel bad for being so harsh. :/ Just being honest, hope it proves helpful. :)

Nah, I like constructive criticism. I embrace it in fact. What did you [b]like[/b] about my story though? :3 [spoiler]Eye for an eye m8.[/spoiler]

Um. It's certainly mysterious, and would be very intriguing if it weren't so abstract. And a lot of the structure is fine. Pacing seems alright, the right amount of information revealed at decent times.

Well i'd say I did pretty good for my first try, according to the responses I get anyways. I'll work on making it less abstract first of all. Sound good?