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Edited by SillyLilMahl:
3/22/2020 12:51:16 PM
3
2nd
Nice
[spoiler]
Adieu, Trial/Demo Version
“This all is just a coincidence. More people than I would have bargained for are now dead.”
“It’s not like mourning will ever do any good to bring them back, they died by trickery, by lies, by deceit, by the Witch Queen.” Maelstrom told Karov
“She wanted Mcreed’s Light, his power meant something to her. I can’t imagine why she wanted Odin out if the way, he was probably a major threat too.” Karov replied.
“Well, she’ll just have to die with lies and deception then?” Rulis replied
“It’s not that simple” Karov responded
“She’s too strong, we can’t beat her on our own, not without the Light that is.” Maelstrom replied
“Not one of your sick ideas again, I tell you guys he’s just getting more and more insane each second of every day.” Karov told the two of them
“Light and Dark will be enough to kill her, so who’s ready to kill a God of Chess, what, that’s the kind of joke Mcreed would have made.” Maelstrom replied. [/spoiler]
English
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Edited by Grays_KS27: 3/22/2020 12:39:30 AMThanks. Did you want my feedback on that little excerpt? For the future, I personally believe it would be better if you PM’d these things to your beta readers rather than putting them out as publicly-viewed comments on posts. Because that’s usually the point of having someone check your unfinished drafts, so that you can get private feedback and corrections before you publicly post the final draft. But it’s up to you. What you just did is also a good idea, making your unfinished drafts public for anyone to give feedback on. It depends on what you want. (Again, that’s just my two cents. Both ways have their merits, so do what you want.)
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I just wanted to show that off as a preview, now I’m going to actually send it off to other people to make sure that they are “enlightened”.
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Oh, I see. I do have a little feedback. You’re making run-on sentences by using too many commas to keep sentences going when there should be a few periods. Other than that, all good. Good job.
