This is a big improvement on your last story. I really like the way that you use informal language, but go careful with it - you don't want too many 'like's for example. Overall you've taken all the things that needed improving with your first story and as far as I remember improved them all. My suggestion here is to work on where you start new paragraphs and also sentence structure. Speech should always be its own paragraph, and in some places you've used dashes where a new sentence would have been preferable. Again though, this is very good and you're definitely on the right track. [spoiler]https://thewritelife.com/scary-writing/ As you're primarily a horror writer, I'd take a look at this to figure out how best to present your sentences.[/spoiler]