This is really good, it has its potential. Keep working at it, and don't get discouraged if some people don't like it. You should be writing your own enjoyment. That being said, there was only one major flaw I noticed. Put dialogue in quotation marks (") instead of apostrophes ('). Save those for dialogue inside dialogue. It sounds confusing, I know, but here's an example.[quote]"look, I told you Jerry said, 'meet me at noon'. That's what he said," I replied.[/quote]