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10/28/2016 4:51:24 PM
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Personally I rather dislike fanfics. All too often they try to turn the story into something else other than what is known or cannon about it, or they are just very poorly constructed or written making them painful to read.
In the past very, very few have I ever seen were worth anything. Although a couple were by a clan mate and they were extremely interesting.
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So you only like cannon fics? What about those that purposely use characters in extremely different settings?
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I remember reading Blue Sky a couple years ago. (Portal fanfic). It made so many things work on so many different levels. I recommend you check it out. The guy who wrote it absolutely nailed the characters.
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Who writes it and on what site? I must admit, I'm curious.
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Enjoy
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Waffles. fanfiction.net
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https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/213418003/0/0 What about mine?
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Edited by Just_Shrike: 10/29/2016 7:36:15 AMI'm going to be honest, your sense of story progression is awful, one minute "Sheet" is handing "Sakki" some gear and in the next paragraph they're in the middle of some kind of quest? You can't just explain that with "it was a blur". That's bad writing. Furthermore you can't really get a sense for who the characters are. You haven't really explained much about any of them. How they react to situations, how they talk, nothing. None of them have quirks that make people, people. Unless that's what you want considering they're "AI" you should flesh them out a bit more. Fret not though, you've definitely got some things going for your story. It has an interesting concept, kind of like a mix between Tron, SAO, and the hunger games. What you write isn't bad, I want to read more, you're just not giving enough information. So, so more detail, and much better pacing, and your story will improve drastically. This is writing so it's up to you to set the mood, and theme. Which you haven't been doing, too much has been left up to the readers imagination. It's like you're just assuming because the reader has played destiny, their imagination will carry them through the scenes because they know what it should look like. That's bad. All in all, not great, but it's a good concept, and I'd definitely be interested in reading more if you bring your story a bit more to life.
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There's a reason I haven't explained what Sakki looks like. However, describing is one of my major weak points, and I'm working on it.
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I'll give you my 5 minute synopsis. 1) It's Destiny related, so I automatically have an aversion to it from the multitude of others that have been posted here throughout the last 3 years. 2) I can not discern as to whether you are telling the story from the view point of a new person just starting out in the game, but literally '"in the game", or if you are getting game details overlapping just telling a story from a Destiny character's perspective. 3) Knowing the Destiny opening story line, and the brevity of each page of your story, you are leaving a ton to the imagination of the reader by not clarifying any of the details in the progression of events. It's almost like you're trying to blend Tron into the mix somehow. 4) Proof read. You may know how you want it to sound, and in your head it may sound right to you, but coming off the page (screen) there are grammatical deviations and phrasing that disrupt the interpretation of what is supposed to be going on. 5) Try expanding the vocabulary somewhat. Describe more - Flesh out the characters that you are introducing. Overall, not terrible but just way short, and in need of enhancement.
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Edited by Violet Varlerie: 10/28/2016 7:21:50 PM1) Ok. Mine is pretty loosely based around it, that's really not a large point. 2) I am having a tough time trying to figure out what your trying to say here. 3)I don't understand this either. 4) I don't know how much you read, but the first couple I did not put much effort into, because there wasn't really an audience 5) There's a reason I didn't describe 2222/Sakki, it'll be clarified soon. For 2/3, please try to explain in a simpler way. Describing characters is something I'm not that good at, and something I've been practicing.
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For #2 I was refering to the way your main charcter is describesd as well as the nature of "You don't have a username above your head". Are you telling the story of a character in the game that is not aware that they are a character in a game, or are you telling the story of a character in the game that is semi aware that they are in a game? #3 is actually a furthering of the points of #2. The details of the characters is lacking. Describe them more, in detail. Why would the ghost be cognisant of a username above their head or of NPC's unless they were a contruct within the game and aware of that fact themselves? That is where the Tron refernce comes from. Ever seen the movie? (old original one, not the one from 3 years ago). It's like the ghost is Ram from Tron. He knows he's a program.
