I don't wanna criticize but I had the impression like I was reading a comic book. If that is what you were going to then excellent job. But if it is not then still you did a great job but you need to change something.
Also please don't take my opinion too serious cuz I don't know much about writing.
Have a good day ;)
English
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im actually pretty happy that it seems like that! i was personally going for like an audio log type feel but hey, thats pretty close.
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Cool. Yeah I can definitely see that due to all "begin/end intermission" Keep up the good work man!