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5/18/2016 2:51:25 AM
9
Overall, good job! I would recommend less dialogue and more imagery... for example, I can assume they are on Venus because of the vex. But where exactly? Are they in the mechanical spyres of the citadel? The ancient and decaying ishtar collective? Outside the enigma that is the vault of glass? Among the rocky moss strewn plains and forests of Venus? Describe to me all these things!
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I guess it was a considence that Flynn's ghost was called Venus, and they were fighting Vex. I see where you're coming from.
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So it's not on Venus?
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It's on [i]Mars[/i]. The Black Garden is on [i]Mars[/i].
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Edited by Zebra: 5/18/2016 8:07:06 PMRight, now assume the part about the Black Garden wasn't in there. See what I mean? There's absolutely no imagery or description of Mars to clue me in to where they are. Basically, this chapter is: Dialogue Dialogue Description of weapon Dialogue and a little action advancing the plot Dialogue Dialogue w/ plot Fight scene Please don't take any of this personally; I'm giving you constructive criticism. [spoiler]I know very well they are on Mars :/[/spoiler]
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Here's the link to the chapter with the description: [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/200666586/0/0] Triple Threat Titans Chapter 41- Cheese Leads the Way[/url]
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Ok.... But how does that address this chapter? You need to remember that filthy casual readers like me only tune in every other chapter.
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You need to read the latest chapter.
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I don't have time to read every chapter, to put It quite frankly. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this isn't a book; it is multiple forum posts in an order to tell a story. You cannot expect someone to read it like a book, and therefore, give your best EVERY chapter.
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Black Garden, Mars.
