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Edited by PONETHEPOON:
12/29/2015 9:20:38 PM
148
Hear ye! A guide to the Iron Salad
How fitting that [b][i]Iron Banner[/i][/b] would return on my birthday. So as to ensure our mutual success, read and follow all of these unspoken rules to truly [b][i]become legendairy.[/i][/b]
[b]//Connection//[/b] Connection is paramount for your battles of [b][i]not[/i][/b] holding [b]B.[/b] Ditch the Wi-Fi. Ditch the connection to your modem. [b][i]Go to your local grocery store.[/i][/b] Find the organic section. Potatoes are your friend. [b]Find the biggest potato.[/b] Take that sucker home and schlap your Ethernet cord into it. [b][i]Free wins![/i][/b]
[b]//Controlling Zones//[/b] You will lose, and Shaxx will say [b][i]"You've got to control those zones!"[/i][/b], and he's right! Your primary objective will be to hold them. So rush every zone you get to. You don't actually need to capture it...just kind of walk through it. Like sparrow racing, but with better detection and less Amanda Holliday.
[b]//Jam//[/b] Both kinds! Grape, or raspberry jam is a great lubricant to apply on your palms before [b][u]each[/u][/b] match. Better grip = better games.
[b]//Pants//[/b] Don't wear them. (Unless you enjoy losing). [b][i]Feel the breeze.[/i][/b]
[b]//Grab the heavy//[/b] A rocket in the hand is worth two in the scrub. Better to have the heavy, and not need it, than to need the heavy, and not have it. [b]It's possible[/b] teammates will sprint to you just after you grab it and melee/emote to you, this is a sign of respect and an [b][i]acknowledgment[/i][/b] of your success.
[b]//Hygiene//[/b] Take a long, warm salt bath every three rounds. [b]DON'T FORGET[/b] to...[spoiler]scrub.[/spoiler]
[b]//Cats//[/b] So fluffy.
[b]//Your Super//[/b] Use that baby! Nothing worse than dying with a full super. As soon as that bar flashes on your screen hit your [i][b]win bumpers[/b][/i].
[b]//Yell//[/b] Because why not? Go full Goku. Practice yelling in between matches, during the load in, and throughout the match. [i]Make sure you have game chat [b]on.[/b][/i]
[b]//Use 1000 Yard Stare//[/b] From what I've heard, this gun [b][i]literally[/i][/b] can't miss.
[b]//Correct baggage//[/b] Refer to this [url=https://www.bungie.net/en-us/Forum/Post/149912071/0/0]tea bagging guide[/url] so your tea is always at [b][i]peak flavor.[/i][/b]
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1 Reply*Imagines a giant bronze salad bowl on fire above saladin*
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1 ReplyEdited by Hezen KR: 12/31/2015 2:17:52 AM1000 Yard stare is only popular because Cayde-6 gives it to you during TTK story. Morons. Everybody has one.
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1 ReplyGood post but.... I feel like the hygiene section should say don't forget to [spoiler] bring a towel [/spoiler] I thought for sure thats where you were going. Nice post
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1 ReplyGreat guide! ROFLOL!! All hail Lord Salad for Dinner and his Iron Banana.
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2 RepliesBest. Guide. Ever. :') I think 'rage quitting' needs to be put in there some where. Preferably next to cats.
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1 Reply*sees ponethepoon* *likes post* *reads post* *is not disappointed*
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1 ReplyHappy late birthday Poon :)
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1 ReplyYep always yelling at my tv
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Lol awesome post
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Review
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1 Replyi think maybe bonus points for controlling plates needs to be bumped,i always go for them but even i can see the time it takes to neutralise and control a spot,you could get 3 kills in that time,and youre reward is 25 extra points per killl.
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1 ReplyThe sooner they nerf 1000 yard the better but it will never happen because all the crucible streamers will be out of a job.
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1 ReplyLol legendary
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2 Replieswtf dude you are THAT guy on my team Or My brother ? He got 0 kills with his titan sun breaker ZERO I saw him spinning around throwing hammers over the cliff and against a wall it was sad so sad He asked me about what heavy to use and i said don't worry I don't think you will need to worry about that
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1 ReplyI have found many people who do not follow the tea bagging rules
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1 ReplyI don't know, man. I have been playing IB and none of your advice has helped. [EDIT] Nevermind... just took off the pants. We are good now.
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1 ReplyHappy Birthday! And thanks for the guide, er, laughs.
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1 ReplyI've found that Yams can act as a substitute for potatoes. The long shape acts as a sort of antenna for signals to travel further. Check out www.potatouniversity.edu. There are multiple step-by-step guides for setting up potato wi-fi.
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2 RepliesFuuuuuuuuck iron banner now. I -blam!-ing hate control. Clash was quick and all skill. Getting cheap ass zone control points is just cheap. Should be kill vs kill. And don't even get me started with the lag. Last iron banner averaged 25-10 every game and now I'm just another scrub. This is annoying. How the -blam!- are these clowns sniping me when I'm one on one with them from 5 feet away. Insane. Games are too long and when you start losing its kind of dumb to just leave because you're -blam!-ed either way.
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1 ReplyEdited by Zlatan: 12/30/2015 5:53:52 PMYo dawg, I've been on a straight potato diet for weeks carb loading, now all I get is cat on my dick. Thanks lord salamander.
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1 ReplyHow can I make this pop up so I can read it daily for the next week...
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2 RepliesMore like Irony banner
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1 Replybest advice ever
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7 RepliesThe only thing I feel is missing from iron banner is the ability for me to constantly sound my clown horn throughout the match.
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4 RepliesEdited by BetrayedRhino85: 12/30/2015 3:19:11 PMMy sad, but true, take on this... [b]//Connection//[/b] Went to the local produce stand to procure an organic spud-- only had colonic turnips. Connection is now literally and turnip-ly in the red and now wife won't allow me in the bed. [b]//Controlling Zones//[/b] Wife now controls all zones and this Guardian is down-- silence Shaxx, someday I'll get it right. [b]//Jam//[/b] I lost all reasons to jam due to zone forfeit-age. Now I'm only [i]"Jelly"[/i] of the wifey in the big, soft and warm bed. But I got turnips! [b]//Pants//[/b] The Misses that Hisses and Disses wears the pants-- so I never have had any on. Life is anything but(t) a breeze. [b]//Grab the heavy//[/b] [i]So bye, bye. Missed the heavy this time. Drove my Sparrow to the Heavy and the Heavy was dry. And this pants-less boy was left with a whimper and cry...Singin' this'll be the zone where I die...This'll be the zone where I die!!! [/i] [b]//Hygiene//[/b] The name's not Gene....but HELLO!!! :] [b]//Cats//[/b] They just make me miss my wifey and the warm bed. [b]//Your Super//[/b] THANK YOU!!! [i]Your[/i] not so bad yourself :P [b]//Yell//[/b] In the midnight hour, she cried [i]"no more, no more!"[/i] With a Rebel Yell, [i]"I need one zone, one more!!! One more, ONE MO-O-O-O-O-O-O-RE!!!"[/i] [b]//Use 1000 Yard Stare//[/b] 1000 yards directly through my soul, she did stare...and stare...and stare...[i]<using B , B to evade, does...not...work!!!>[/i] [b]//Correct baggage//[/b] Bags are all packed and I'm shufflin' my feet-- no turnip left behind. Gotta stay connected!!! Now everybody SING!!!!!!!!! [i]So bye, bye. Missed the heavy this time. Drove my Sparrow to the Heavy but the Heavy was dry. And this pants-less boy was left with a whimper and cry... Singin' this'll be the zone where I die... This'll be the zone where I die!!![/i] P.S. I Love You Wifey...
