[spoiler][b][i]Memories[/i][/b] [b]Earth, North Carolina, USA, Alternate Dimension, 2033[/b] [i]The man appeared in the yard behind the little brick house, standing alone in the yard. Before him, the little two-storey glowed as a house normally would around 9:00 at night. Some light came from the bottom floor, a faint glow from the back door, and some seeping in from other rooms in the front. More light came from a room upstairs, what appeared to be a bathroom. Walking across the lawn, the man climbed up the steps to the back porch and produced a key from his pocket. Sliding it into the keyhole, he opened the door and walked in quietly, stopping to wipe his feet on the mat and lock the back door. Walking into the kitchen, he saw that all the dishes had been washed, all neatly dried and put away in the cabinets. The lights over the sink by the refrigerator were still on, illuminating the room just enough. Stepping into the living room, his old cowboy boots clicked on the hardwood, drawing the attention of the woman on the couch, who had her nose in an old Stephen King novel. Looking up, she jumped and almost fell off the couch.[/i] CODY?! Don't scare me like that you ass! [i]She broke into a giggling fit, happy to see who had returned. He smiled back at her.[/i] What'd you do, chase Jackson into the shower for some quiet time? [i]He walked towards her, and his tone changed as he hugged her gently.[/i] Danielle, I've missed you so much... You've got no idea. [i]She hugged him back, standing on her tip toes. Letting go after a few moments, they stood back to look at each other. She was wearing an old t-shirt with sweatpants, and was barefoot. He stood in a denim jacket, wearing a black tank top under it, along with a pair of faded jeans and his old cowboy boots. They both stood in an awkward silence for too long a time, when Cody spoke up.[/i] Wanna go for a ride? [i]She seemed surprised, but was ecstatic.[/i] Of course! Let me get changed. [i]With that, she rushed upstairs, into her, no, their room, and put on a pair of jeans and socks. Digging through her closet, she pulled out a pair of boots, and slid them onto her feet. While she was changing, he walked back outside to the garage some 100 feet off to the right of the house, and opened the door. Inside, parked in the center, was his 1969 Mustang Boss 429 Fastback, his childhood dream car. He was finally able to buy it when he came back home from his second deployment, and he spent quite a bit customizing it. It was a beautiful shade of red, with two black racing stripes down the center. Slides were put on the back windshield, and two massive mufflers poked out from the rear of the car. Producing the keys from his pocket again, he opened the car door, and climbed in. The interior was all redone, and he had put in a new stereo system. His gearshift was a chrome skull, and his steering wheel bore interesting chrome designs as well. Putting the key in the ignition, he turned the car on, and it roared to life, the massive V8 engine growling like a caged beast. Shifting gears, he drove out of the garage and across the grass until he cane to the gravel driveway by the front of the house. Danielle was on the front porch, sitting in the swing, waiting. She stood up and walked down to the car. She opened the door, and climbed in.[/i] I didn't figure this thing would be drivable when you got back. [i]He laughed.[/i] These old cars are built to last, honey. [i]With that, she buckled her seatbelt, and they drove out to the main road. As Cody Wolfe turned on to the pavement, he put his foot down, and the old muscle car roared out on to the road, engine piercing the still of the night. He got up to the speed limit and just cruised. His mind already knew where he was going, an old place the two of them used to always go out to. Reaching down, he turned on the radio, and realized he had an old Tom Petty album in the car. As soon as the song started playing, Danielle and Cody instantly knew which it was, and hummed along, until the second verse, in which they both sung together.[/i] Well, I don't know, but I've been told You never slow down, you never grow old I'm tired of screwin' up, tired of going down Tired of myself, tired of this town Oh, my my, oh, hell yes Honey, put on that party dress Buy me a drink, sing me a song Take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long Last dance with Mary Jane, one more time to kill the pain I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again There's pigeons down on Market Square She's standin' in her underwear Lookin' down from a hotel room Nightfall will be comin' soon Oh, my my, oh, hell yes. You got to put on that party dress It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone I hit my last number and walked to the road...[/spoiler] [quote]The man appeared in the yard behind the little brick house, (((standing alone in the yard))). Before him, the little two-storey glowed as a house normally would around 9:00 at night. [b]Some light came from the bottom floor, a faint glow from the back door, and some seeping in from other rooms in the front[/b]. More light [u]shone[/u] from a room upstairs, (((what appeared to be))) a bathroom. Walking across the lawn, the man climbed up the steps to the back porch and produced a key from his pocket. Sliding it into the keyhole, he opened the door and walked in quietly, stopping to wipe his feet on the mat and lock the back door.[/quote] Redundancy in narration undermines the imagery and exposition in a piece. Be careful not to repeat unnecessary words or phrases. Try to replace simple words with more advanced and intelligent ones, such as choosing "shone from" instead of "came from" when using third person omniscient. [quote]===Walking into the kitchen, he saw that all the dishes had been washed, (((all))) neatly dried and put away in the cabinets. The lights over the sink by the refrigerator were still on, [u]coloring the room with soft light[/u]. Stepping into the living room, his old cowboy boots [u]clacked[/u] on the hardwood, drawing the attention of the woman on the couch[u]. Her head was buried in an old Stephen King novel, totally immersed in the fictional world of paper and ink.[/u] Looking up, she jumped[u],[/u]almost fell off the couch.[/quote] So this section of the first paragraph changes the setting, albeit slightly. This allows you to enter into a new paragraph and begin a new process of thought. Again, be sure to omit repeated and extraneous words, as well as replace basic vocabulary. Watch out for run-on sentences like the third to last one in this excerpt. [quote]CODY?! Don't scare me like that you ass! [i]She broke into a giggling fit, happy to see who had returned. He smiled back at her.[/i] [u]Hey, baby girl.[/u] What'd you do, chase <<<Jackson into the shower for some quiet time?>>> [i]He walked towards her, hugging her gently. [u]She was a soft and petite object, contrasting the rugged arms he held her with. To a hardened man such as himself, her presence soothed his hardened nerves. She made him feel at home.[/u] [/i] Danielle, I've missed you so much... You [u]have[/u] no idea.[/quote] Oh, dialogue: the bane of peer revision. I can't help you with this part, seeing how it's really interpretive. Dialogue is designed to give the reader insight on a character's persona on top of tell us what they say. The best I can do is tell you to make the exposition in between quotes refined. Show the reader how Cody is feeling, don't tell them. Make dialogue feel more natural, as if it would be something your character would say. Also, Cody wasn't speaking before he approached Danielle, so it is irrelevant to say "his tone changed". If Jackson is in the shower, remark in an earlier paragraph about how Cody hears the water running. [quote]She hugged him back, standing on her tip toes. Letting go after a few moments, they stood back to look at each other. She was [u]barefoot, only[/u] wearing an old t-shirt with sweatpants. He stood in a denim jacket, wearing a black tank top under it, along with a pair of faded jeans and his old cowboy boots. [b]They both stood in an awkward silence for too long a time, when Cody spoke up.[/b][/quote] Exposition is slightly better here. Same mistakes as before. The last sentence implies an opinion on the time. You can keep it there so long as you explain how both character felt that it was too long a time, but saying it as the narrator defeats the purpose of third person omniscient. [quote][b]With that, she rushed upstairs, into her, no, their room,[/b] and put on a pair of jeans and socks. Digging through her closet, she pulled out a pair of boots, and slid them onto her feet. While she was changing, [u]Cody[/u] walked back outside to the garage [u]about a hundred[/u] feet off to the right of the house, and opened the door. Inside, parked in the center, was his 1969 Mustang Boss 429 Fastback, his childhood dream car. He was finally able to buy it when he came back home from his second deployment, and he [u]put his heart and soul into[/u] customizing it. It was a [u]mean[/u] shade of red, with two black racing stripes down the center. [b]Slides were put on the back windshield, and two massive mufflers poked out from the rear of the car.[/b] Producing the [u]keychain[/u] from his pocket again, he opened the car door, and climbed in. [b]The interior was all redone, and he had put in a new stereo system.[/b] His gearshift [u]bore[/u] a chrome skull, while the steering wheel boasted intricate chrome designs as well.[/quote] I have to stop because I hit the word limit. The rest of the post contains the same strengths and weaknesses as the beginning. Proofread and revise as much as you can before you post. I expect some more stuff soon. 6.9/10.