I admire your optimism, but I see the truth: Beards are now synonymous with bitchmade dudes who lack masculine qualities. No longer are the beards of our forefathers and great heroes celebrated. Now if you see a guy with a beard in an urban area they are probably into poetry and ironic t-shirts. These are not the beards of heroes and gods. These are the beards of fixed-gear bicycles and cutoff skinny-jean jorts. The sad, tainted beards of double-soy mocha chai latte-sipping vegans and "men" whose only claim to possessing testosterone is buying Pabst Blue Ribbon for all the wrong reasons. Cast off the sullied facial hair of the hipster swine, my friend. It does not define you (unless you have a pussy jaw-line or you look like a nine-year old...then I guess continue the good fight) and embrace the barefaced power of true manliness. Even without a beard, I have and still can: - Hunt and kill for delicious food. - Operate, maintain, and remain proficient with a number of firearms. - Fistfight lesser, weaker men into dazed semi-toothless pulp. - F*** like a kodiak bear on PCP. - Expert navigation through cross-country roadtrips. - Be completely oblivious to chickenshit things like "antiquing" or whatever the hell it is you do when you "appletini". - Never owning a vinyl collection. - Owning a "World's Best Dad" coffee mug for a non-ironic reason. - Having no desire whatsoever to "go green". - My poop consists of cordite, sawdust and animal blood. Heroes and gods were heroes and gods because of what they could do, not because of the facial hair that has been adopted by this new breed of pussies.

I live in the mountains where a beard is still a beard. But at 6ft 2in and 280lbs don't think anyone thinks I'm looking for a vegan option or quoting poetry.