Instructions were unclear, dick stuck in toaster...

I like things

I once told a girl that her cold sore was a form of herpes and suddenly one of these people I know started telling her that repeatedly to the point where she almost cried and I felt like the biggest dick ever. [spoiler]then I found out she was messing with me. This is why we can't have nice things[/spoiler]

Uhhh.... I got nothin. :0

I have a two page analytical essay to write today. It's about how oil in Alaska affected it's big economy boom and how oil will affect the states future. [spoiler]It's due tomorrow.[/spoiler]

I'm alone and I'm sick of it.

These two kids at school started telling at each other, clearly a fight was about to start. All of a sudden one of them yells "Yo bitch, size up!" The other replies "Fück yeah I will!" The first one says" ya bitch, How big yo dick, no homo?" The other, really confused, just stares at him blankly The First kid whips out a measuring tape and his little buddy. He measures his flaccid dick and screams "4.5! Beat that!" The other kid complies and does the same. He yells " 5.7! I win!" The first kid is furious and his dick explodes. A teacher breaks up the fight and they are both expelled. Moral of the story: no one cares how big your dick is.

I killed a spider that I found in the shower this morning.