{{
`${userDetail.user.displayName}${userDetail.user.cachedBungieGlobalDisplayNameCode ? `#${standardizeBungieGlobalCode(userDetail.user.cachedBungieGlobalDisplayNameCode)}` : ""}`}}
{{getUserClans()}}
4/19/2020 4:13:23 PM
2
I liked it! Great job!
The way you set up the way the planet looked was phenomenal! That description was probably my favorite part of the piece (though, the phrase 'its best description' was a little awkward)! With that being said, the time lapse did seem kind of odd. We get a glimpse of the planet in the past, but then time moves forward, and the planet presumably has a bunch of tech now.
The time lapse itself was written fine, but it and the description of the planet are kind of at odds with one another. It would probably be better to either give us a description post-tech to begin with, or have everything take place in the more naturalistic past.
I also, don't think that's how black holes work...
But, you did a great job setting the stage for a story! Admittedly, not a lot of story actually happened, but the stage is set, and I could see it be a really good one! Great job!
English
-
Ty! In general I agree with the entirety of your criticisms. I found myself reaching into dead-zones, most likely the ramping up to climax to the deadline always makes me rush. Happens in games I beat the first time around. [quote]The time lapse itself was written fine, but it and the description of the planet are kind of at odds with one another. It would probably be better to either give us a description post-tech to begin with, or have everything take place in the more naturalistic past.[/quote] Yes. I was scared mostly. It's like the idea was formed as a floating sphere in front of me but it was sealed of by a black aura and I was scared, like a hermit to reach in. Black holes most likely don't work that way! I only had the stage in mind. I like building foundations. Just not confidant for the inter-personal stories that belong there. At the end of the day, I just had fun. Thank you!
