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5/5/2015 7:50:51 PM
3
Way too short before jumping right into the first chapter. Needs more context; what are the surroundings? What's happening behind the six players? They're all boys but what are the ages? This isn't a lot, and your first chapter doesn't clear up a lot of the missing items here.
Also, less dialogue; it's confusing to tell which person is talking to whom. ID the characters, even if it's just quick names a facial descriptions to give the reader a face in the crowd.
I like where you're headed, but this needs work.
English
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The prologue doesn't detail anything, I hardly tried here, it's supposed to be confusing as to who's talking and who isn't. These kids are doing a raid as a normal destiny player would do, half the time, I don't know who's which talkig in the party. The dialogue is collective and shows the kids rather than separately, but as a group.
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由DaddySr-29编辑： 5/5/2015 8:13:30 PMDialogue is key to Destiny but not in writing. When you're writing a story, even a prologue, everything is about the senses. What do things look like? What does Quinn's room smell like before he's transported? What can he hear besides the other players? What's his room look like? Your focus is on six players, concentrating on one at a time, but I don't know anything about any of the other five before getting to Quinn. Are they all teenagers? Friends? A mixture of jocks and nerds? Also, there's no emotion; you're trying too hard to force the emotion of each character through the dialogue, which again, there's a lot of with little description behind it. You should also add something on the other side of the coin. If there's a protocol coming from the servers, what are the people at Bungie doing (assuming you're going to use its name as well)? Are they scrambling to find out what's happening? Is this something Activision (again an assumption) is aware of and covered up? This is what I mean by context, which there is little of for such a short jump to the first chapter.
