>You were only 9 years old >You loved Offtopic so much, you knew all the memes and lennies >You pray to Recon Number 54 every night before bed, thanking him for the membership you've been given >"Offtopic is love" you say, "Offtopic is life" >Your dad hears you and calls you a neckbeard >You know he was just jealous of your devotion for Offtopic >You called him a fgt >He slaps you and sends you to go to sleep >You're crying now, and your face hurts >You lay in bed and it's really moist >Suddenly, a warmth is moving towards you >It's Paragon 0ne >You are so happy I whisper into your ear "Dis is mai swamp." >I grab you with my powerful Internet hands and put you down onto your hands and knees >You're ready >You spread your butter on toast for me >I penetrate it with a fork >It looks so tasty but you do it for me >You can feel the toast tearing as your eyes start to water >You make more toast >You want to please me >I roar in a mighty roar as I fill my mouth with your toast >Your dad walks in >I look him straight in the eyes and say "You're all out of toast." >I leave through your dying Windows Vista desktop computer. >Offtopic is love. Offtopic is life.