I sexually identify as tissue paper. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of cleaning up the semen residue and other bodily fluids. People say to me that a person being tissue paper is impossible and I'm -blam!-ing retar... err.. slow learner but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon tenderize my skin, fold me into 3-ply and fluff me up for absorbency. From now on I want you guys to respect my right to wipe asses and clean mucus. If you can't accept me you're a -blam!-face and need to check your cum cleaning privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and I’m -blam!-ing retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Apache” and respect my right to kill from above and kill needlessly. If you can’t accept me you’re a heliphobe and need to check your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

I sexually identify as a Booty.

Hawkmoon, because ever since i was born i dreamed about being the very best. I only started to accept white, blue and black as colours and whenever i close my eyes or fire a shot(if you now what i mean) i hear hawk screams.

I sexually Identify as a Gabe Newell. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of having more chins than I can count to and waiting ten years to release a crappy DLC and more cosmetics. People say to me that a person having Spy as their favourite class is Impossible and I'm -blam!-ing retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon install mountains of fat, a hidden black hole in my lard to hide my billions of dollars from P2P players and tax collectors and a Steam Machine which is still in Beta on my never ending body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Lord Gaben" and respect my right to delay everything because its worth the weight. If you can't accept me you're a scrublord and need to check your LAN privilege. Thank you for being so understanding, and welcome to Team Fortress 2.

I sexually Identify as a Gjallarhorn . Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of hurling explosive projectiles from my tubular crevice at the legions of the Darkness. People say to me that a person being a rocket launcher is Impossible and I’m fuсking retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install Wolfpack Rounds, Tracking, and superior reloading capabilities on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Ghally” and respect my right to detonate on impact and impact raid team effectiveness. If you can’t accept me you’re a ghalliphobe and need to check your weapon privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

I sexually Identify as a wall. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of keeping people from going into other rooms and blocking their line of sight. People say to me that a person being a wall is Impossible and I'm -blam!-ing retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon install doorways, electrical outlets and light switches on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Wally" and respect my right to keep people out of rooms an keep them out needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a wallophobe and need to check your house privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

[b][u][i] -blam!-ING BLOBFISH[/i][/u][/b]

I sexually identify as a salt.

I view myself as an SR-71 as im black, stealthy, can fly (im 5'7 and can dunk), and im fast. Attack Heli is my brother as hes loud and in your face f****** s*** up. Basically he's a douche

Reply pls

I sexually Identify as a PC Master Race. Ever since I was a jobless peasant I dreamed of browsing the Steam Market purchasing hot 75% off games to rub in on console plebians. People say to me that a person being a PC Master Race is Impossible and I'm -blam!-ing retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having Lord Gaben install 16gb RAM, NVidia GeForce GTX 970 and dual 1920x1080 114 fps monitors on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Alienware Gaming PC" and respect my right to flame noobs from above and flame noobs needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a gabenphobe and need to check your gamer privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

I sexually identify as a donger. Since I was a boy I dreamed of raising my donger and dropping hot dongers over disgusting scrubs. People tell me that a person being a donger is impossible and that I'm -blam!-ing retarded. But I don't care. I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon attach raised dongers and emojis on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Raised" and respect my right to raise my donger and raise it needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a dongerphobe and you need to check your emoji privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

Definitely an attack helicopter, bruh. Not gonna lie.