Alright I think the story is pretty good so I've only got [i]construction[/i] criticism. These are all simply my interpretations. [quote]The guard mumbled something about backup into his shoulder. There was a pause for a few moments as they were staring at each other.[/quote] Recommendation: "as they stared at each other" [quote]The world seemed to move slower as the warlock silently saluted the guard as he jumped headfirst off the 40 story building.[/quote] I'd recommend replacing "as he" with "and." [quote]The structure he was facing had large iron pillars constructing it, giving it a messy, not polished, an incomplete look to it. Bits of scraped metal ran from the top, as if something had tried to bite it, or rip it off.[/quote] Hmm the statement is a bit redundant "messy, not polished" and somewhat contradicts the pervious statement "strange cracks, perfectly straight, lining the sides of demolished buildings" [quote]He looked grim as he glanced at a skeleton, kneeling on the ground. It’s right arm, pushed down onto the floor, its bone transforming into metal. It rested on the ground and morphed into it. [/quote] Some commas you might not need. "With a grim expression he looked upon a kneeling skeleton. The bone of its right arm transforming into metal as it pushed on the floor." (extra bit the ' is not needed if "its" is for possession but is needed for contractions "it is, it has") [quote]There, he entered a large open room. A small computer blinked in the corner.[/quote] This doesn't quite flow I'd suggest "He entered the large, open room to find a small computer blinking in the corner." The notification should probably [i]appear[/i] on the screen not jump. [quote]A single tear streamed down from his face. . . She gave a weak laugh. [/quote] Hmm who exactly? You didn't identify the speaker in the video so I believe you meant Gray for both of these lines. Final bit; I encourage you to continue Gray's story.