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Изменено (Nalla):
1/10/2020 4:50:59 PM
5
The story of a night stalker(fanfic)
[spoiler]for my other stories click the tab nicryhmes[/spoiler]
This is a short fanfic , please enjoy
I landed in the garden, the dull green sky giving the red flowers that grew there a sickly orange tint.
As I examined my surroundings I noticed trails of dead Vex, the glow of the void light that had been their end still burning.
"Tevis must be close," my ghost said, looking left and right at the ancient stone that made up the garden.
"TEVIS!" I screamed, racing to his side. A single hole burned in his armor. The final blow.
"Guardian, the void still burns. Do you feel it?" The ghost said, it's shell twisting nervously.
"I-Yes ghost," the Guardian whisperd, he looked at the limp body before him and saw the lights power fading.
The hunter leaned over and grasped the last of Tevis's light, the anger the Guardian felt pulsing through him like ice in his veins.
With one last grimace at the dead scout the hunter focused his new found powers drawing the shadow shot.
He looked around, the dark glow of red eyes surrounding him and he drew upon the light again.
A sick grin playing across his metal face...
[spoiler]I commented this on someone else's post for an example and I was told it was beautiful soooo... here we are.[/spoiler]
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3 отв.
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4 отв.Изменено (Grays_KS27): 1/10/2020 7:43:44 PMWell done! You did great There’s only a couple little grammar mistakes. I noticed a couple other issues: [quote] "TEVIS!" I screamed, racing to his side. A single hole burned in his armor. The final blow.[/quote]Right here the Guardian suddenly has already seen Tevis. You should add a sentence before this that says the Guardian spots Tevis’ body. [quote] "I-Yes ghost," the Guardian whisperd, he looked at the limp body before him and saw the lights power fading. The hunter leaned over and grasped the last of Tevis's light, the anger the Guardian felt pulsing through him like ice in his veins. With one last grimace at the dead scout the hunter focused his new found powers drawing the shadow shot. He looked around, the dark glow of red eyes surrounding him and he drew upon the light again. A sick grin playing across his metal face...[/quote] The story starts in first person (I and me), but this last chunk is all in third person (he). I think the sentence where the Ghost spoke is probably what threw you off, because it’s right between the perspective change. You need to pick which perspective you want to use and fix the rest. I think first person (I and me) is best, because it makes it far easier to distinguish between the Guardian, his Ghost, and Tevis.
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1 ответKeep writing! This is really promising!
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16 отв... \_/ *grins* [spoiler]overall amazing story!![/spoiler] -Dredgen Qēox
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4 отв.Jeez, buddy. If you keep getting better like this then you’re gonna leave me in the dust. Might be short but it’s still good work!
