1.Teachers be like... "Don't procrastinate. It's almost impossible to write an essay the day before it's due." Then they be like... "This exam has an essay section. You have 1 hour to complete the exam." 2. Having seaweed rub against you while you're swimming in the ocean is like having Satan slowly caress your legs and toes while smiling creepily at you and whispering, “Mayonnaise" in your ear. 3. The United States is on track to become the world's largest producer of oil. If history has taught us anything, it's that the United States will soon be invading the United States. 4. You should never start a best man speech with "I remember the first time I -blam!-ed the bride." Everyone was looking at me with disgust. Still though, it was the happiest day of my life seeing my daughter get married. 5. Just found out they still make lambskin condoms! Straight up100% baby lamb skin condoms! In case you're into necrophilia, pedophilia, and beastiality all over your dick!