First off I've putthat it needs work but for good reason. That shouldn't be taken as there being a bad piece here but rather one that needs development. A few things I noticed reading through it: Firstly you haven't quite grasped the methods in which to create a sort of tension that relates to a situation. For example, I found that when you attempted to explain the unnatural setting prior to the arrival of the army you had perhaps the longest sentence in the whole piece. This should not be the case as the tension of the situation is lost bt the elongated description. At times where a tense atmosphere is required sentences should be short, sharp and concise. Next, a number of your sentences are fractured. You seem quite fond of commas and use them where a semi colon or even just a full stop would assist in it reading better. This is very common in the early stages of writing and most can take years of practice to step beyond it. Following on from there I would like to say that though explanation in description is a great thing, there are times where I found that you tell the reader details that are relatively self explanatory. This is a common habit of writers as it can often be difficult to differentiate between what is relevant and what is known. I still do it from time to time and I started writing 10 years ago. The last point I can really make is regarding doalogue; it can be a great addition to any descriptive piece as it gives readers the ability to understand thw character's thoughts better and develop a feel for their personality. There were times when, particularly when making radio calls, it would have been preferable to add a few brief lines of dialogue. I won't go into the plot as really speaking this is only a snippet of the full story. I will say though that a few people have mentioned levelling the playing field to avoid an over powered protagonist. They mean well to suggest this as it is true that a great protagonist will stumble and will fall but the thing that makes that character great is the fact that they will pull themselves back up and eventually prevail...in one form or another... If you can take in even one of those points and build on it then my work here is done. You show great promise with your writing but the hard part comes when you hit about 20,000 words. On a side note, often when I write I will edit briefly myself before handing it over to my editor. I find I miss things kn my own work that she won't. Once its edited, I go through it again and work it back into my own style but better than the original as the structure is often improved. So if you want to write a lot more than just fan fiction find yourself an editor. It'll does ant writer a world of good. :p