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Edited by Soul :):
4/30/2021 9:17:28 PM
5
The Silent God- short fragment thingie
An entity sits near the rotted husk of a colossal monument. It sits in silence for what seems like an eternity, until it finally speaks. Its voice sounds like a bag of gravel being dragged across concrete. It speaks as if it has never spoken before, and it sounds so empty and lonely, so, so lonely.
“O Death, Bring stillness upon my tired body. I have watched, silent for eons, waiting for the Light to return to this long dead land, yet not a breath is heard anywhere here. I yearn to join my brethren among the lost, and find my peace. I have been silent for too long, too long indeed. May my voice be heard in the Heavens I fell from, as I breath my last here. Take this hollow carcass of mine as an offering to give me passage into the final realm.”
A long sigh echos through its dead world as the sun sets for the last time.
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celacovsciMolon Labe Domari Nolo - old
Other than a little inconsistency with the gender, it looks good! -
1 ReplyA few suggestions: There's some consistency mistakes when describing your character. You start describing the boi as an "entity" (gender neutral), then you use the pronoun "he" (which is male, i know crazy right?), then you switch back to gender neutral with the pronoun "it". There's some consistency mistakes in there with gender. Also, i'd like to see a little more description overall; i'm not a fan when a writer makes more dialouge than actual writing (Like seriously, just script if you're gonna do that). I've seen published authors pull that move and very little is less engaging to me as a reader. Remember, a picture can paint a thousand words, but in this case you're painting a picture with words so it's onlu gonna be like 100 words, and whoever made that metaphor is dumb because 1000 words isn't that much anyway. But, my point is that describing your setting and your character is huge in establishing the mood of your story; you've got the word choice down, now apply it to your descriptions. I want to [i]feeeeellll[/i] the despair, not jist read about it.
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1 ReplyMe after people don’t talk in the GC for 15 minutes. [spoiler]Hecking Spitifres [/spoiler]
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That’s sad[spoiler]licks finger [/spoiler]
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Sounds like the liner notes on a Neurosis record
