I made a poll a couple months ago for people of the Destiny community to review a little series that I am making with a friend. It's called [u]Destiny: Underground[/u], and I got the idea from a dream I had. So the first time I published it and shared in on the Destiny forums, I was met with slightly positive reviews, but it didn't feel good. The story was confusing, messy, and overall just plain dull. I decided to redo it with my friend, and now it's back to chapter 1. Let me know what you think by answering the poll!
[b]Please grade appropriately and honestly. This information is extremely important to me.[/b]
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I really enjoy the direction you're taking. Exploring the people of the city we are trying to protect is completely new and I love it. I've got a couple pointers though, I would recommend using contractions. Use them to your advantage, they make the story more immersive and the characters more personal. I've written in third person for a few short stories and I've never really enjoyed it. With the direction of the story you're writing, I think third person is best, I would just try writing a couple different versions of the story and see how they play out. In terms of characters, I know you commented it was difficult to write the Hunter but I think he was the best flushed out. I also think you captured the personalities of Ikora, Cayde and Zavala perfectly. Keep up the writing, I like your style
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Can someone bump for later
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Honestly, I would give this a flat B, but because I'm a horrible person and B isn't an option, you get an F for inconsiderate poll construction. No, but honestly it was decent, but there were some issues that prevented me from getting truly immersed in the story. Your grammar was a little poor, especially around word choice and diction. It kinda broke my reading every couple sentences or so. This is my personal preference, but I really don't like stories written in the present progressive tense, as it seems to be a very inelegant way of writing. "He does this. He says that." It's a very simplistic style, which can be good, but it does prevent you from writing a truly immersive story imo. The openings and closings for your dialogue were a little weak. Sometimes, an implicit opening or closing, with the measure of rhe dialogue expressed through diction, is better than "Clint yells...". That's all style and format issues, but overall your plot and character's were fairly good. I felt it was a bit too rapid, the deconstruction of Zavala from the noble leader of the Vanguard everyone who would read that would start out assuming to a ruthless killer who cares more about power than people. Cayde is an extremely hard personality to capture in writing, but you did a very good job of it. I think you did go a little overboard on the humor, but again, just preference. As far as your main 3: The hunter was well written, well filled out, but I just didn't connect with him, didn't see him as coming to life. The Titan was rather flat, predictable, childishly naive. That isn't necessarily bad, but you have to make sure you flesh him out and allow him to grow in maturity as your write more. The Warlock... what did she do again? No, but on a serious note, she felt nonexistent to me, not playing as much of a role as the other 2 by a long shot. Overall, that leading lineup is strong, but needs some work to make dynamic and feel like a main character. I'm just pointing out what I believe you can improve, but there was a lot of good stuff in there too. My final bit of advice is that if you flesh this out, start out further into the storyline, "in medias res" as it is, and portray this part through flashbacks and such, so that it gains from the perspective of the person you tell the flashback through. Sorry if I was harsh, but that verb tense you used really killed it for me, so I may have been a little overly judgemental. Regardless, nice job and good luck with the rest of the story. Oh yeah, also, it seems like you haven't read a whole lot of existing lore, which you may want to do before you write your own additions to it.
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It was a fun read, but there was something about the flow that didn't quite sit right. Also, it's easy to see the personalities of the titan and warlock, but your hunter is too much of a black box. It's probably been noted already, but proofread and have someone else do it for you too. The grammar was a little shot in a couple spots.
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There is somewhere I must head There's a gun that'll shoot some lead Strange coins all over the room Pimp Master Xûr in the pool I look like I'm depressed My friends call me obsessed Guardians on the move Is this a wound or a bruise? Earning strange coins For Xûr and he's gone I'm screwed Fûck that It's a shítty inventory he had But I needed some heavy Damn Last Xûrday night Yeah we grinded all night And we had many fights Think we used a booster, I forgot Last Xûrday night Yeah we got somewhere lame And got removed from the game To bad this song is not going to get any fame Last Xûrday night We went patrolling on Mars Killing Taken in the dark Then had a Zealot spawn afar Last Xûrday night Yeah I think we missed Xûr Always thinking that we sure ooh-ohh This Xûrday night Do it all again This Xûrday night Do it all again Trying to no to miss Xûr Don't know what to tell my Wife Think I'm fúcking up my life She's throwing crap at me Lady move from the TV Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a bit of rest Didn't know all of that would occur Earning strange coins For Xûr and he's gone I'm screwed Fûck that Is that a ghallhorn he had? Last Xûrday night Farming all bloody night And we one or two fights Think we saw Xûr, but I forgot Last Xûrday night It's Sunday afternoon Did I fall asleep too soon So I summon some runes Last Xûrday night We went slowly to the park Chanting in the dark Then summoned a demon from a lark Last Xûrday night Yeah that tentacle face of his He makes all the ladies his ooh-ohh-hooohh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.X. T.G.I.X. T.G.I.X. T.G.I.X. T.G.I.X. T.G.I.X. T.G.I.X. Last Xûrday night Yeah we grinded all night And we had too many fights Think we used a synth, I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we went somewhere lame And got kicked out of the game Too bad it'd be a shame Last Xûrday night Farming omigul Because she has no soul Then we found the Ghallarhorn GODDAMNIT THATS THE 30TH ONE!
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You could make it a lot more detailed. I love detailed. I loved it though, the dialogue a little to kiddish their guardians defenders of darkness of course if it it's someone like cayde sadistic in all ways lol its okay
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No one reads books anymore
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Bump for later
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I think it was pretty good. Honestly from what I think of the Vanguard leaders, I feel Ikora and Zavala are a bit swapped but that might just be me. The guardians of the fireteam themselves seem... childish? I guess. That might be the point though. I've just been reading a lot of "mature" books recently, so I've gotten used to more adult characters. Character actions sometimes seem a little forced? Like the Titan I found believable, the warlock wasn't bad, but the Hunter (who seems to be the main character as of now) seemed kind of awkward in a way that wasn't part of his personality. That's really confusing to read, I know, but that's how I would describe it. Do you understand? Either way, I'm interested. And that's the main goal, isn't it?
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I'll read it later :>
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I'll grade yours if you grade mine