Feedback is important if you want to improve, as long as the feedback is constructive of course. But I know what you mean. My punctuation used to be pretty terrible but it's improved a lot over the years as popular stories accumulate replies and comments. Make the characters as realistic as possible. If the protagonist is cool and suave then he might also come over as a jerk. If he was real why would you like him? And well thought out plotlines are only as good as the prose it's built upon. Concentrate on the details, the flow, the presentation. But don't give up. Keep at it. I like the premise, it has potential.

[quote][b]Posted by:[/b] MaxRealflugel For info: I've only read the first part. I'll provide a few pointers on how best to deliver a story and what you should steer well away from. First off, though, don't take these comments personally. They are to advise and instruct you on how to improve. Secondly, everyone who writes and posts their work is offering their material for scrutiny. Some stand out because their work is good, others because of the opposite. And I'm afraid your work is the latter. I'll start with a positive. The story has a great premise: Sgt Adian's wife, it would appear, was murdered by another human and not by the Covenant, which is a wonderfully fresh idea. So many Halo fanfics obviously centre on the human-Covenant war but this story differs. It immediately sets it apart from the rest. Now the bad news. The problem, however, is your execution, your prose -- the writing itself. It's largely descriptive, almost bullet point in nature or even diary-like in form. You could almost use this as a set of instructions as you're telling a lot and not showing very much at all. The first thing to attend to when writing is obviously the plot, but here I'll focus on the beginning of the story. You want to set the scene but not make it too predictable or boring, so don't hurl loads of description at the reader straight away. Introduce them. Here's how I would have started it... [i] 'Murdering bastard,' Adian muttered, desperately trying to think back to better times. But he always found himself being stabbed by painful, heart-wrenching guilt and anguish. While the rest of Harvest had grieved for those lost against the Covenant, Adian had other reasons to be bitter. 'Sorry for the language,' he said quietly. 'Would have been six years today, honey. Six years...' Adian drifted off, deep in thought again, determined to keep a more positive attitude on this important day -- their anniversary. He knelt down and placed a single red rose on the cracked asphalt, wiping away some debris to give it an uncluttered resting place. Roses were extraordinarily rare on Harvest, even more so now the Covenant had swept Utgard with plasma and destroyed anything or anyone that had tried to stop them. But the Covenant were not the enemy here. Not today. Only the murdering bastard who had taken what was most precious to him. And for the first time in over a year, he knew where to find him. [/i] This is just one way that you could start the story. You need the reader to feel for Adian (or is it Adrian?). You need them to feel for the loss of his wife, instead of painting him as some cool, clad in black tactical armour, vengeful minded action man. I suggest reading Halo Glasslands by Karen Traviss. There are plenty of emotional points in the book and reading it would provide you with the experience and knowledge that the scene does not always have to been hand painted for the reader. Show them the door, but let them open it and make up their own mind. Trying to force a scene will only make it seem hollow. Hope this helps.[/quote] Yes it does. Its hard to work out a fresh idea at times. I try to give the reader a fresh perspective. Yet it seems i came off forced. My plot line is tied to the events that take place during this traumatic event. As human beings we are trying to work things out. Not quiet getting to what we want. Yet some how processing how to get there. Yes he might come off cool. My intent was to show a more personnel side to many of those fighting this conflict. My story is trying to show things in a larger scope. I had wanted to draw the reader in. Yet it seems i did not do that. With some fixing i shall take these suggestions. Do note this story has a well thought out plot line. Also usually i do not get this kind of feed back to improve my self. I do this for fun but also i learn a great deal about my self. This is one key to a larger plot line. Once some see what i have in store it might make more sense. Thank you for the feed back. Good thing about the Internet nothing is set in stone. [Edited on 09.30.2012 3:37 PM PDT]

For info: I've only read the first part. I'll provide a few pointers on how best to deliver a story and what you should steer well away from. First off, though, don't take these comments personally. They are to advise and instruct you on how to improve. Secondly, everyone who writes and posts their work is offering their material for scrutiny. Some stand out because their work is good, others because of the opposite. And I'm afraid your work is the latter. I'll start with a positive. The story has a great premise: Sgt Adian's wife, it would appear, was murdered by another human and not by the Covenant, which is a wonderfully fresh idea. So many Halo fanfics obviously centre on the human-Covenant war but this story differs. It immediately sets it apart from the rest. Now the bad news. The problem, however, is your execution, your prose -- the writing itself. It's largely descriptive, almost bullet point in nature or even diary-like in form. You could almost use this as a set of instructions as you're telling a lot and not showing very much at all. The first thing to attend to when writing is obviously the plot, but here I'll focus on the beginning of the story. You want to set the scene but not make it too predictable or boring, so don't hurl loads of description at the reader straight away. Introduce them. Here's how I would have started it... [i] 'Murdering bastard,' Adian muttered, desperately trying to think back to better times. But he always found himself being stabbed by painful, heart-wrenching guilt and anguish. While the rest of Harvest had grieved for those lost against the Covenant, Adian had other reasons to be bitter. 'Sorry for the language,' he said quietly. 'Would have been six years today, honey. Six years...' Adian drifted off, deep in thought again, determined to keep a more positive attitude on this important day -- their anniversary. He knelt down and placed a single red rose on the cracked asphalt, wiping away some debris to give it an uncluttered resting place. Roses were extraordinarily rare on Harvest, even more so now the Covenant had swept Utgard with plasma and destroyed anything or anyone that had tried to stop them. But the Covenant were not the enemy here. Not today. Only the murdering bastard who had taken what was most precious to him. And for the first time in over a year, he knew where to find him. [/i] This is just one way that you could start the story. You need the reader to feel for Adian (or is it Adrian?). You need them to feel for the loss of his wife, instead of painting him as some cool, clad in black tactical armour, vengeful minded action man. I suggest reading Halo Glasslands by Karen Traviss. There are plenty of emotional points in the book and reading it would provide you with the experience and knowledge that the scene does not always have to been hand painted for the reader. Show them the door, but let them open it and make up their own mind. Trying to force a scene will only make it seem hollow. Hope this helps. [Edited on 09.26.2012 5:38 AM PDT]

You make it sound so final. But you should stay away from those. Master Chef endorses them!. Yet so tasty!..here Master Chef! ..take one of these*Hands Master Chef a tripple layered bacon cheese burger from the Drive through. Gives a thumbs up as Master Chef drives off in a Worthog playing rap music.* [Edited on 09.04.2012 7:26 PM PDT]

and then they had a heart attack from the double bacon cheez burger and died. The end

[Op Tent,Kazan Plains] Captain Andrew White looked over reports leaning back in a folding chair. His desk was a quick set up made from prefab materials. Not far away a few orderlies were monitoring communications in the background. Reports poured in from Harvest. It was all bad news.UNSC forces were getting pushed back fast. It looked like before the week was out they were going to loose the planet. Still it was unknown how they struck or what was really going on. Civilian casualties were staggering as were the deaths. It seemed as if they were cut off from the rest of the UNSC. If that was not bad it was the doctor who Sergeant Priest wished to speak with. With so much else going on it was pushed on the back burner until that data could be retrieved. With out it they would have no idea where the enemy was massing or who was still left. They did not have long to get every one to a safe location before these so called Covenant took the planet completely. It was a tall order for any soldier to make the hard choices. He was fallowing orders from the Lt Colonel who had his hands busy with trying to defend the entire planet. Current plan was to get every one to ground then begin a Guerilla style campaign until help arrived. Time was running out for every one. The reason he had to convince Priest to leave early. Once the doors shut every one on the outside will have to make it the best they can. Looking at the picture of his wife on the desk he prayed he is doing the right thing. He was a long way from Earth. Yet his mistake lead him here after the Article 15 incident. He was suppose to spent six months here after he did three in the brig. Pushing these thoughts out of his mind Andrew stood up then placed a mag into his Magnum. Holstering the weapon, he stepped out side the tent. Heading over to the landing area that Pelicans used to drop off wounded took about fifteen minutes to cross. A Pelican waited not to drop off but to pick up. Seeing Adian Priest he motioned the man aside as Troops climbed inside. Engines were on idle so no one would over hear the conversation. " Sergeant, I know you want to talk to the Doctor but this is a Tier one priority. I won't lie that you might make it back. Expect heavy enemy resistance. I would send a officer but they are in short supply. So you will be in charge. Both marine squads are to help you get the data then exit ville out of the area." Adian gave a nod then stepped inside with the rest of his team. Pelicans cargo ramp closed as White moved back from the lifting craft. Now he had to make a few plans in case things get really ugly. Even if they did not some sort of plan must be made with his forces. Turning around heading to his tent knowing that no matter how many he tried to save it will never be enough. [Edited on 09.04.2012 7:14 PM PDT]

[Harvest: Outpost Golf, Misty Swamp] Rebbecca Heart had been busy getting Base Golf ready. They been dispatched to get the swampy base operational again. Dirt lined the walls with some mold in places. Still it would not get the memories out of her mind as they were chased by alien fighters until they were inside the swamp. They lost some good people traveling to here. Marines were able to shoot down one of the craft. Still in her mind she could see a Warthog explode or a ATV. Pushing it aside from her mind this early in the morning. Kim came into the half set up command center. He had two cups of coffee in his hand. She took one setting it down on a crate. They had taken a break after spending hours setting it all up. Both of them had to run wires or rewire things here. Kim Lou Ki sipped his coffee while sliding his laptop over to look at base schematics. He noticed Rebbecca was staring off at nothing. "Becca ? Is the Coffee OK ?" " Yes it is-i am just worried." Kim not surprised knowing it was hard hearing the constant com chatter. She knew it was harder seeing the casualty reports come in. They needed good news because right now it was bad to feel helpless. Kim set down his coffee. Placed a hand on her shoulder." Becca you have a good reason to be worried. I know you seen what happened yesterday. This new enemy is gaining control fast. What we do now will make a difference when the UNSC responds." Rebbecca still felt helpless. " We are losing Harvest. This is usually a place to send screw ups or people the UNSC deems as troublemakers. Some backwater world where nothing happens. Yet i feel as if i am doing nothing to help those people out there fighting to protect civilians." Her hands were put to her face as tears fell. Kim let her cry knowing she was a sensitive soul. Muffled her voice sounded far away. " I am suppose to be the best com tech here but i-i-just feel as if i am a failure." Kim's voice was reassuring." Look. Every one is doing the best they can. We are here to provide communications because it is important. Just take some time to calm down. You will see that this is just as important. You have never been a failure." Kim returned to his laptop not knowing what else to say. Rebbecca finally put her self together. Knowing what she had to do. It seemed so unfair that the troops were fighting yet they had nothing to remind them of why. Fire in her eyes lit up knowing what must be done. Kim noticed a change but said nothing. He had to figure out how to power everything. Grabbing some tools he got back to work. She opened her computer to see if they had a signal. Then began to use a open secondary channel not to interfere with the other com channels. Working fast she was able to check to see if the enemy had blocked it. Signal strength was strong. She took out a small device that held her music inside. Plugging it into the computer she then opened a channel, then began broadcasting" This is for all the boys fighting out there. Give them hell." Starting the music she selected the UNSC Battle Hymn. It was a classical piece that was patterned after North American military songs. Selecting a few songs she knew that normally a Armed Forces Network trooper would usually do this. Rebecca's Play list would run for about an hour. It would be good because she could give instructions to survivors. Knowing it felt right she returned to putting together the command center. [Edited on 09.03.2012 9:12 AM PDT]

Hanna Jenkins awoke slowly. She moved feeling weak. Some how she survived. When she moved pain was in her chest. Her right leg also felt like fire. Crawling slowly out of the wreckage of the 'Hog she slipped to the concrete. Looking back the 'Hog was inside the building at an 45 degree angle. Tanner was dead she turned her face from his body. Tanner had half of his skull missing. Karl was not any place to be seen. She got to one leg feeling dizzy from blood loss. She reached in to get the medical kit. Then hopped over to a corner. Setting her self down in a corner of the building she began to examine her wounds. Her right leg was broken. A bone protruded from her shin. Doing the best she could Hanna winced at each movement. Using the medical kit to fix her self she was able to slow the blood loss. Dieing now would mean she would never see her family on Reach. She fought her self going to sleep. Shock could possibly kill her. So as painful as it was she was able to get up find an Assault Rife. It was too damaged to be functional. She used it as a crutch. Still her armor felt like a ton. every step made her see red sometimes. Crawling out of the ruined building Hanna shielded her eyes from the sun. Her drive made her join the UNSC to help pay for collage. Hanna would not quit now. Her dream of being a Doctor would never come true. Not realizing it she had the medical kit tucked in her other arm for comfort. Looking around to get her barrings. Nearly tumbling into the crater left by the alien tank. She was able to crawl out of it. Realizing a fire station was near she hobbled towards it keeping off her bad leg. Hope filled her heart as she could see the station down the intersection. Moving to it with a new found determination Hanna knew that things will be better. Her pain was nothing compared to losing her dream.

[New Athens, Downtown] Staff Sergeant Curtis Tanner was refilling his 'Hog from a service station. His face was black from soot. Other troopers were waiting to fill it up as well to continue to search for more pockets of survivors but the enemy came out in force to bar the way. So with out any real knowledge of where others might be they were holding here for now. Hanna Jenkins was playing some music from a portable player. Karl Lupin was sitting with his legs dangling out the passenger side. As the tank reached full a scorpion pulled up to be serviced as they all got in then drove away. Tanner had been sent to the sticks for Interrogating a Rebel prisoner too harshly. He never expected to face an enemy quite like this. Aliens attacking humans was all most far fetched. Now he could see it for real and know they were here for some reason. Grouping up with a few other Warthogs they were going on patrol. A Lieutenant spoke to them in a head set. He was visible from his OP near the front of the resupply area. " OK boys and girls listen up. We need to know whats going on. You look around see whats going on. If you come under attack you did your job. Head back then fallow a new route if you do not come into contact with an enemy. I want to know whats around. Get moving!." A three Warthog convoy headed out to find the enemy. Tanner was riding on the gun of the middle 'Hog. They did not have to go far to find enemy forces. Alien Dive bombers swooped out of the sky blasting at them. Front 'Hog never made it. Every one fired at the air threat. Jenna Swerved to the right as the other hog swerved left hitting a burnt out car. Then a huge energy blast came from down the street. Metal buckle as a hover tank glided down the street knocking anything aside including cars. That blast hit behind them blowing a hole in the ground. One Alien fighter had been hit significantly by 'Hog Vulcan's to damage its right thruster pod. A pilot was struggling with his craft as it went down into a building out of sight. Tanner was getting shot at by a rapid fire crew mounted gun on a Alien tank. The other 'Hog blew from a direct hit. By the powerful energy blast. They flipped over from the force of the explosion crashing into a building. Tanner felt the impact as they hit then slipped into blackness.

Authors note:I want to thank every one who reads this. I am sorry about my other storys but the one i was working on last. Song of Departed never got finished due to my computer haveing a OS crash becuse some guys thought they were techs from india. AAMMY admin. Scamers who fixed me good when i did not pay them trying them out for free. After i got repaired they even called again under a new name. So i am sorry if you are wondering why i never got to finishing it. Now i am able to plug along the internet current, to bring storys to you that i hope are diffrent yet can give the reader a greater understanding of we as humans. Happy to say Dark of Intent part III will be worked on soon. I am glad i did not have to sell a kidny to get my computer fixed. Thank you for bearing with me sevral months later. Enjoy. [Edited on 08.29.2012 1:06 PM PDT]

[Chapter 2] [Harvest February 4th,2525. Kazan Plains] Adian Priest had slept little as the sun crept over the mountains far to the east. His mind in turmoil as he watched his wife die in his arms. Also a team member was dead. Both his fault. The news was bad all over. New Athens had become one of many cities to burn on Harvest. Most of Harvest was undeveloped. It was being used for Agriculture. NAPD tower had been hit as well from reports of surviving police officers. Pelicans would fly in dropping off wounded survivors or those who needed a ride back to get the wounded out. In this camp were about twenty or so NAPD officers who managed to get out or were rescued by the UNSC. Others who made it out were being directed to other camps or places that would be safe for the time being. UNSC forces were too few to halt the enemy juggernaut. Even so they were trying to rescue as many as possible before the enemy overran everything. All he could think about was to go out rescue some survivors. His attention was here with the Doctor. Captain White placed a hand on his shoulder." Sergeant when was the last time you ate. ?" reaching out a hand to the sitting man. Taking the Captains hand Adian got up awkwardly stiff bruised and beat up from yesterday. " I ..do not remember." White patted his back." I have a plan on what we are going to do. You can count on the fact i too have been up all night listening to reports." They both walked to the Captains tent. An orderly set out some orange juice with two MRE's. Captain White looked tired but his face did not show it too much. Both of them sat down to eat the meal. Adian did not even know what it taste like." You are a good leader. Right now that's what those men need. I looked up your file. Four years in the marines. Three with NAPD as a S.W.A.T team member. Allot of good comments from the Captain and Lieutenant who said you were the best of the best. I am sorry to say you are now in Command of whats left of NAPD. The rest are dead or too wounded to take command." Adian simply ate understanding the situation. Adian finished set the empty MRE aside." I want to get survivors out after we talk with the Doctor. I will do what i can to help out the UNSC." Captain White leaned back with a face full of worry." So do i, but the enemy is not making it easy. Currently i am trying to get out any Civilians out of New Athens. I would like you to head to the NAPD tower to find out where any survivors are. Emergency services are linked there so you should have no problem in finding out the situation. It will be a hot L.Z. when you go in. Good thing is you will have support from Marines." Adian sat back in his chair with the orange juice drinking it slowly as both men listened to the Com chatter over by a near by radio.Each man thinking over all that happened. Adian knew that what they did now would mean survial for every one against these Alien invaders. [Edited on 08.29.2012 1:05 PM PDT]

Adian Priest was glad when UNSC Troopers apart of the Army arrived. Checking his watch it was 1443 hours. A Vulture flew over head letting loose with a barrage of fire. Hornets fired on unseen enemy troops. Then came a familiar rumble of military vehicles. UNSC had arrived as forward teams drove on to engage enemy forces. Tanks rolled past firing down range. Several Warthogs drove up with gunners eyeing the street or sky. Troopers disembarked to assist those in need. They secured the street allowing for Civilians to get to the Evac zone. His Team finally was able to crawl out of the clothing store. Ramerez was able to meet them on firm ground after coming down from her perch up top. As they walked over to the other Police officers an Army Captain maneuvered over to them past personnel or civilians with a two man escort. "I am Captain White" He shook Adians hand." We got Pelicans taking wounded to aid stations. Also we have more inbound to get the women and children out of here. They will be back to get the rest of the civilians." "I am Sergeant Priest." Adian giving a firm nod." Have you heard anything about New Athens Police Department?" White shook his head no. A woman tapped his shoulder. Karen Priest looked like a different woman at first. A nurse in her scrubs. They both did not say a word embracing each other. Adian was hugging his wife. Rebels pulled up in a stolen van loading up something metallic in the back of the van. No one was sure what was going on. Adian did not see it. His team was unable to see the van past Warthogs or personnel. They would have drove off but one of the hostages was able to get loose. Breaking free from her captor. The white coated doctor ran towards them. It all slowed down as his wife fell limp in his arms. A bullet had hit her spine. She went limp gasping. His eye welled up with tears. One rebel tried to gun down the doctor. Troopers dove aside returning fire. The van speed off when the gunman entered the passenger side. He was smeared with blood. His wife's body was slowly laid to the ground. His team had weapons out but were not able to get into position in time. Adian had seen friends die. Yet his wife died in his arms. He rocked her saying" Its going to be OK." Captain White put a hand on his shoulder." Sergeant she is dead. Who was she ?" Adian stood up looking for the shooter seeing the fleeing van."My Wife. She was my--wife." Troopers had the woman who ran. They escorted her over to them. Adian stood up as his wife was being looked at by a medic. This was happening to some one else. He felt detached. Yet it was him with no one to share his feelings with. He had no heart left. It was as if some one riped it out from his chest. All he could do was hope but the Medic shook his head sadly" I am sorry there is nothing i can do she is dead." Adian pushed aside the Medic to get her wedding ring she carried it on a chain while working most of the time. He placed it in a pocket. Adian walked away needing some alone time to collect his thoughts. Yet he would not let this injustice go. He would find his wife's killer and bring him to justice. His anger seemed to grow then he began to rip apart the clothing store he was trapped in for most of the day. Frustrated at how life can land such a cruel blow he stood up. Allot of good people died today he had to save the ones now. His team needed him. Making his way over to his team he pushed aside his emotions for now. " Lets talk to the Captain. Perhaps we can find out what these Rebels want. This Doctor has to know something." His team fallowed him. Captain White was speaking to his forward units in his helmet mic. " India 2-4 Pull back we are almost done here." Adian was covered with his wife's blood but the Captain waited on what they would say. " We would like to be on the interrogation of the hostage." Captain White looked down." Look you need time to get it together. You all have been through allot. I am sorry about your wife getting killed but it will not bring her back if you find who did it." " We were here to stop these guys." Adians voice was raised." Most of the officers here were killed when this attack happened. Did any one see anything ?" White shook his head yes" Some of my boys seen them put some kind of metal coffin like object into that van. We will know more once we talk to the Doctor. So yes i will allow you to talk to her but i want to be present." Adian could understand the Captains interest but how he said it was a red flag. A pelican landed while the other pelicans were departed. The captain with a some wounded soldiers were loaded up. Adians team with the remaining officers boarded also. This day ended as it began with a pelican rising into the air like an angry insect. [Edited on 08.24.2012 8:49 AM PDT]

[New Athens,Business District.] Linda Keller had stayed low but near the police who have been holding the area for hours. As it headed into the after noon. Her focus was helping the officers. Or tending to some one injured. Linda knew first aid quite well but this was more for a medic or doctor.Yet she did what was needed. Yet it did not seem enough. Her emotional state was calmer after crying a few times. It seems she was spent. Yet she had hope. "Help was coming" One officer told them. They had to hold on for a bit more. Yet she had seen a great deal. It left a bitter taste. Seeing the brave police officers stand toe to toe against the enemy. Her feelings were that she was helpless to help them but they encouraged her to keep every one in the store calm. Across the way were more police they were excellent shots. After enduring hours of seeing people die it was working on her but she had an anger she could not explain to any one against this alien menace. Engines could be heard then some sort of Gunship passed over head suppressing the enemy. Smaller UNSC craft passed over letting loose weapons fire. Several Warthogs drove past to engage the dug in enemy suppressing them with fire. Tanks rolled by firing the main gun. Buildings collapsed. Linda was over joyed to finally be rescued. UNSC troopers hoped out to help get things organised. One trooper touched her shoulder. " Ma'am we are here to get you out of this bloody place. Those officers said you helped them even risking to run over to the others getting them water. You are safe miss. I will take care of you." She simply nodded. Fallowing him to the Evac area where Pelicans were landing. Troopers were rushing around to help wounded to Pelicans. Pelicans taking wounded were gone. Three others took there place as women and children were directed to board. Linda was put on one. Every one was scared as fighting was close it might hit them. But once they were away it was apparent the UNSC was holding on down there.

Very intriguing, nice work.

Thank you its going to get better. My goal was to make a intersting story on many levels. I have a good plot and an idea what direction all of it will go.

[Twenty Miles from Athens.] Staff Sergeant Curtis Tanner was on the gun of his Warthog. He checked the chambers real fast to see if the loading feed on the Gatling was not kinked. It would be bad causing a jam he did not need. Up front driving was Corporal Hanna Jenkins. Riding shotgun was Private Karl Lupin. Glancing around he saw a wedge of 'Hogs rolling fast with tank support not far behind. Yet having a hard time seeing with the wind blowing dust at you. Also bouncing around over every pot hole on Harvests great plains. The one thing he could see pretty well was the smoke coming from New Athens. Bloody Hell he was sure of it. Not far off was a enemy welcoming party. They had tanks, Some kind of fancy Vehicles and infantry set up with fixed guns. As the two sides closed. Enemy fire shot out at them as Hog's slewed firing as they did breaking right or left. UNSC Scorpions were tough to take down. There 90mm guns opening a volley that destroyed alien combat vehicles. Secondaries went off as the energy powered craft blew up in blue/orange fireballs. The after noon sun did not bother Tanner too much due to it being at his back. He took the grips of his 12.7mm dual Vulcan machine guns. He pushed the pedal to turn right as his warthog broke left. He opened up with a heavy burst at some sort of one man hovering craft. It faced him firing up yet it turned to get a better position leaving the driver open. He unleashed a rain of fire that wounded whom ever was inside because the craft slowed down. Purple/blueish blood was all over. He was firing on some kind of tank when a Vulture with four Hornets flew over head to open up on the enemy troops baring the way. Enemy forces were fighting back even if they had the larger force but the UNSC seemed to be shattering them. A few warthogs were burning a grim reminder of the price to gain entry. With the enemy forces trying to regroup the entire force moved onto a highway thus gaining entry into the city proper. [Edited on 08.23.2012 9:44 AM PDT]

[Rally point Echo, Command OP] Captain Andrew White sat in his chair looking over reports on his portable computer. His face lined with worry due to the fact the UNSC forces were vastly outnumbered. Rally points Alpha, Bravo and Delta were overrun. Wind blew at the tent flap. He looked over then back to his reports. Foxtrot, Golf and India were still getting set up and waiting for more to arrive but with things in disarray he doubt that any one else who did not arrive will come in. Opening a link to Command he was face to face with his superior. Lt. Col. Hayden Green, Who was an ageing African American in his late sixties. Green was all that was left of Harvest Command when the aliens called the Covent struck. " Sir i am about to launch Operation Lifeboat. We have survivors being protected by Police who need military assistance. We will withdraw after we get the Civilians clear." White speaking in a clear but concerned tone. " You want air support well we lost our air base and they are moving on us son. You are to get the Civilians out of New Athens. You are to get them to safety. Hide if you have to. It is up to you now. Now get moving! I am sending Foxtrot,Golf and India to get out as many as you can. I am also linking a few UNSC outposts. Good Luck." As the com turned off he stood up. Walked over to dress in his body armor. Rebbecca entered she looked around to see the captain donning his armor. " Sir ? Sergeant Carter wants to know when we are moving out." White was silent for a moment as he put a clip into his Magnum. He cocked it then placed it in his holster. " Tell him all personnel combat fit will ride. While the Non-combat personnel are to travel to a UNSC base out in the swamps." Picking up his Assault Rifle he inserted a clip. Snaching up four other magazines of ammo placing them in pouches. He was ready to go. Rebbecca nodded to him then exited the tent with worry on her face. White understood what was going on. His troops were feeling helpless but he knew that every soldier must deal with fear. Even he knew they were losing yet he would never publicly admit it. Morale needed a boost so he had a plan in mind. Exiting the tent he knew what had to be done. [Edited on 08.23.2012 9:06 AM PDT]

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Adian could not believe he made contact with some one on the outside. He has spent the last hour trying to defend this position. Enemy sent in a one man craft that floated. Ramirez shot drivers in the head. Not before they shot up the street killing or injuring more civilians. Yankee protocol was a old military term used back when humans still were fighting each other on earth. It meant that the enemy was searching for open communications. So a emergency back up channel would be set. He hoped it was the same one. Flipping it to the right setting he was relieved when a male authoritative voice answered." This is Captain Andrew White to whom am i speaking.?" Adian kept low watching the street while he spoke. His eyes could see rubble bodies and smoke. "This is Sergeant Adian Priest of the first Tactical Response Unit. Second S.W.A.T. Team. Look i am a former marine so i know a bit. We need help evacuating civilians from this zone. I was hoping for some air support so you could send in birds to get out the wounded. Other Officers with us are running low on ammo. We will rally at a gun store down the street. We will get any other Civilians out of this zone." Adian peered through his scope seeing what the enemy was up to. It was a long pause then the Captain was back with him." We can give you air support but we will send a ground force to cover your retreat. Hang in there. When the Long Swords fly over our ground units should not be far behind. Echo Actual out." Adian knew this was going to be a long day. Yet his mind turned up to the street looking at where the Rebels had been hiding this entire time. He knew they would make a break for it. Yet he had to get the civilians out of here. All he could do is hope for the best. Get as many out of here as he was able. Perhaps he could survive this. If they survived at all.

Specialist Rebbecca Heart walked over to her laptop from a squad leader meeting. It was sitting in the passenger side of a non-combat warthog. In the passenger area it was filled with commo gear and electronics. She typed her password into the computer. Selected what she wanted from the Holographic interface. Touching it she activated a dish that rose out of the back of her hog. Checking her signal strength she typed some more. Looking around at the troops who gathered at the rally point. Some were local Militia. Others were UNSC military personnel. She stole a glance in the direction of New Athens. Smoke could be seen for miles. Satellites were destroyed when the attack came. No one was sure what was going on as Communications were cut all over Harvest. Turning back to her work Rebeca typed some more aligning her dish. She placed a headset on her head with a mic. As soon as communications were established she hit some key strokes to connect her to UNSC Harvest command. Satisfied it was working she let the captain know he had a secure link. Her driver and assistant corporal Kim Lou Ki came sauntering up to her. He handed her a Magnum with two spare clips. Her holster was usually empty. His manner was no nonsense. Before she could protest he gave a flashy smile." You will need it." He walked over to get in the drivers side of the hog. She climbed in the passenger with her laptop." You know i hate guns. and-" Her laptop flashed a priority message. It was live so she hit a few buttons waving at her driver to be quiet. " This is Sergeant Adian Priest of the 1st T.R.U. 2Nd S.W.A.T. team. We are under attack by unknown hostiles." Rebbecca listened in then replied to the sender on his frequency." This is UNSC rally point Echo to Team Two. You are broadcasting on a open channel. Change to Yankee protocols." Rebbecca hoped out of the hog laptop in hand she was heading to the captain's tent. He would want to see this. Before she went into the tent she could see every one mobilizing. Tanks, Warthogs, Hornets and even two man Atvs. All were being worked on. Groups of men were joking or were preparing for combat. Her face was grim as she knew that these enemy's were powerful. Yet it seemed that there pitiful forces would not even be enough to stop the juggernaut that would consume them. Yet she had a duty to do. Stepping into the tent she had work to do with the Captain. [Edited on 08.09.2012 5:54 AM PDT]

Adian Priest Moved his team from the cars to near the mouth of the street. He could see three officers in the doorway to some kind of store. Energy blasts flew past as those officers were shooting to his right up the street. He looked around the street surmising the situation. City was burning as smoke filled the air of a once peaceful business district. Alien craft flew over the city like birds of prey. Down on the intersection he could see bodies all over. A ruined storefront was in front of him. Peeking around the corner he spotted more alien forces. Speaking into his helmets mic in a calm voice. He was far from calm having spent the last twenty minutes huddled behind two cars." I will cover you as two go across to the store. I want our team to fire. Wait for the flash bang to go off then run for it. I want sniper fire on any big guys that head our way." He took out a flashbang grenade tossing it at a group of aliens. It sailed in the air landing near them. It exploded on the second bounce. He had to wait for the flash readying his DMR. Adian lit up the street with fire. The three officers seeing that some one was trying to make a break for it held there fire. Two members of his team rush across taking shelter in the ruined store. Both turned facing down the street adding there fire before all of them pulled back. Plasma fire answered back as green or blue weapons fire slammed into walls blowing chips off of storefronts or setting things aflame. Team members were hidden from sight yet could feel the heat of the weapons discharges as they passed. Almost like fireworks. His other two team members across the street threw a flash bang blinding the enemy again. He ran with Corporal Jan Thrush who tumbled inside as one of the enemy soldiers recovered a bit to fire off a few fleeting shots. Adian made his way forward to the back. Kicking open the door that lead to an alley. Taking the alley they broke the lock on a Clothing Store right across from the Sporting Goods store. Adian hated leaving a fallen team member behind. Yet it seemed there was not going to be a funeral for some time to come. He had seen too many die today. Yet it bothered him that he might die and never would find his wife. He spent four years in the marines. He had chased Rebels around space. Yet it did not prepare him for the ugly truth of war. He had wanted to get away from it all. Settle down on a remote planet. Here he was in a new war. His body was sore from earlier when the explosion nearly killed him. He finally tossed the grenade launcher seeing it was busted. His team took up positions in the clothing store. Trying a varity of channels Adian knew he needed to find the right one for the officers hunkered down in that Sporting Goods store. This was like out of a book or movie when man reached for the stars yet was met with a force greater than his understanding. These Aliens were not friendly at all. it seemed they came with some kind of purpose. Yet it did not matter to Adian right now. He had too much to worry about for such thinking. What he did know was that he would try to save as many as he could. Do what he can because he knew more blood would fill the streets. It seemed like a tall order but it was necessary. He could not help feeling he was in over his head. [Edited on 08.08.2012 10:53 AM PDT]

Police were making a valiant stand as some kind of Alien attackers dropped out from a ship. Three officers were in the doorway of a sporting goods store. Linda Keller was a young teen who turned seventeen three months ago. She had seen the attack yet scattered when the aliens came shooting up the street. Initially she was interested in what was happening across the street with so many police. She ran for her life as she made it to the store. She had on sweat pants. Her sweat shirt had her high school on it, with Gold/Green lettering. She had a runners build yet she was far from lanky. A Grey sweat band held her neatly groomed red hair from getting in her eyes. Her reflection stared back at her in one of the glass counters. She turned to see others like her staying low in the store. Gunfire rang out as each officer fired. Bolts of energy hissed passed the door. She seen a officer wave her over. Interested she crouched low, duck walking over to the officer. He was reloading his pistol while speaking to her." OK Can you ask the man behind the counter with the hunting rifles to open them. We do not have allot of ammo left. Ask to see who can use those guns." She nodded quietly then moved off to talk to the man who was behind the gun counter. She got close to be able to talk to him in low whispers. Nodding to the three officers who huddled in the doorway she looked into the frightened mans eyes." Those officers need you to unlock the gun case. They want to arm some people who can use them." The clerk, nodded he was a older man who understood such things. She moved off to let the officers know that they had some improve militia who would be assisting them shortly. She prayed that this would not be short lived. [Edited on 08.08.2012 9:51 AM PDT]

[2525 3rd of February] Sergeant Adian Priest was riding in a older model pelican. It was painted black with white S.W.A.T. lettering with UNSC Symbols. Adian could feel the pelican buck as air turbulence hit the plane so often. They were all sitting in sunrise lighting. His team was six professionals who were heading to the New Athens business district where his wife worked at a small but well equipped medical center. Checking his watch it was 0631 hours. It felt as if time were dragging on. He could feel the Pelican descending. Soon they were hovering on the ground. Cargo door opened as his team stepped out into the cool but crisp Harvest morning. Each wore a tactical suit of body armor. Similar to most UNSC troopers. They had one sniper with one shot gunner. He carried the grenade launcher to shoot gas grenades. Also he carried a D.M.R. Rest of his team used M7S sub-machine-guns. Pelican raised into the sky like an angry dragonfly. His team waited near a parked car as Adian went to talk to Lieutenant James Chung. Lieutenant Chung was wearing knock off attire from the 1950's. Barely able to see Adian made his way to Chung's parked car. Chung was with the force for ten years now. Solid dependable man who was odd at times. Placing a Computer Pad on the top of his car James Chung got out of the drivers seat." Good to see you Adian. We arrived here an hour ago to shots fired. We have the whole block cordoned off. We think they are Rebels. They have hostages." Chung opened his PAD to show him blueprints of where the hostages are. Right here we know they have three hostages. Security inside responded but we are sure of four dead and one wounded." Adian stood with James as they looked at the schematics." So do you know where they are keeping the hostages.?" Pointing at the lobby area. " Right here.". It was bad as Adian looked it over. His team would have to be fast. But he needed to know exactly where these Rebels all were and hostages so they could move in for the take down to resolve this situation. Waving his team over he directed them tasks. "Brown i want you to use the mini cams get me information on the hostages. Ramirez i want you up top of that building ready to take a shot just in case. Rest of you i want Brown Covered while he plants the mini-cams. As he spoke each of his team members set off to do the tasks assigned. Adian got a radio message from his pelican."Y--get-u-Ahhh!." Then it went silent. Lt. Chung shook his fist as he tried to raise control" Control this is Lieutenant Chung come in.?" They never seen the Alien space craft that flew in. It swooped down firing a large green energy blast that hit a few police cars sending them skyward in a fiery explosion. Adian Hit the deck as more alien fighters swooped in overhead. Rapid fire energy blasts could be herd as police cars exploded from the intense plasma fire. Chung never had time to escape as he was blown back. Adian was pushed by the Explosion rolling away from the Wreckage. Some officers who survived were firing Magnums at the Alien Crafts. Adians ears rang yet he was alive. His Grenade Launcher saved him as metal protruded where the loading slot was. Mccleary ran out then got him to his feet as they ran for cover. Both making it to where the rest of his team waited for him. As the craft passed. Ships Appeared that began to drop off troops. " Ramirez you there ?" He tried his unit channel." Copy sir i took cover." His team fanned out to take cover for the incoming hostiles." We need you to give us accurate information. We have unknown hostiles." Civilians started running every place. Big Ape looking aliens with smaller ones with masks began shooting at anything that moved. The district was clear of people as they moved down. His team hit the enemy with well placed fire. He hit a big one in the head killing it. One went berserk they all brought it down a few feet before it reached them. Blue eletric balls were thrown as they dove for cover." Grenade!" some one yelled as it blew up, killing Bruce Cartwright. who was a bit too slow reacting. As the last alien attacker fell his team huddled behind some cars. It was impossible but quite real that alien forces were invading Harvest. Adian's head spin ed at this idea. He felt thirsty as well. Screams of the wounded were silenced as Aliens searched the area. They were no good dead so remained hidden for now. [Edited on 08.08.2012 10:45 AM PDT]

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