[spoiler][b][u]Blood Wolves side plot[/u][/b] [b][i]Chapter 1.4[/i][/b] [i][u]The Primarch Incarnate: Born In Combat[/u][/i] The head Apothecary watched in dissapoint as Brimstone struggled in the training ring. The servators were set to minimal combat levels to a space marine and he was barely keeping up. It wasn't just pathetic it was an insult to the chapter. This is the man that defeated Karnis. This was the man that was to take the place as Alpha. He sighed as he watched the man fight. His body refuses the augmentation, including the geneseed. His body showed the begining of physical transformation, but the source of which was unknown. Whatever the source it was a slow thing and he could accelerate it. All his compunds all his knowledge... useless. Pride welled within him. He was the Watcher of the Sleep. It was he who would initiate the new primarch after the touch of Karnis abandoned the Wolves. It would be he who deemed the Alpha worthy. He would never allow this thing to claim his role as Alpha. He could not. With a few quick twists he changed the settings on the combat simulator before walking away. Squad Combat. Full Lethality. WEAPONS FREE. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brimstone blocked the blows of the combat servators easily enough. His body still felt tight from the zigzag of scars from the Apothecary's surgery. He knew his body would deny the organs. He remembered the kiss of pain as a memory flashed in his head. Of a lone wolf in the dark. A fight decided by tooth and fang. He was jolted back to reality as servator picked up in pace. Exponentially in fact. 3 more servators came out of the alcoves. "Apothecary I think the servators are malfunctioning." Bladed limbs sprung forth. Weapon slides racked as they were readied. A burst of flame signaled the approach of a 5th servator carrying the bulk of a heavy flamer . "Apothecary what is the meaning of this." Brimstone was sent flying as he took the flat edge of a power sword across his side. The power arcing through his body like a thunderbolt. He tasted like nickel in his mouth as he stared at the servators about to reign hell upon him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [i]"All creatures have an instinct inside them. Humanity called these symptoms a 'Fight or Flight' instinct. Though over simpalized in its concept and thus doing no justice the chemical imbalance that causes this reaction, the terminology describes it perfectly. "If a beast is threatened and feels like it will win it will fight. If it is protecting something it will fight. "Likewise if it feels like it will lose or must put to much effort into fight, it will take flight away. If it has nothing worth fighting for it will take flight to stay safe. If at anytime it feels that it will lose during the fight it will try to take flight. "The sentient mind however is much more complex. The greater attachment to emotion blurs the lines. Fear, Pride, Love, Hate, all emotions that a sentient feels can disrupt instinct. "But there are more deciding factors that this concept takes hold over all beings. Think of the Orks. They that are breed for war and war alone. They know nothing of fleeing, their minds to weak to understand. They will fight tooth and nail no matter how out done and many of their kind will die. "Now imagine Eldar Pirates on the run. After a tragic loss. They see a target they could take but in their fear of the last defeat they pass. Instead they lick their wounds. They will live on ever more cautious than what instinct would have allowed. "But listen close to this. Imagine the Pit Wolves arenas. They are cornered. They have no escape. They are removed 5hat option. The only way out is through whatever stands before them. They will fight harder than they could imagine. They will win for the sheer sake that they have to. Their minds demand it, so they obey. "So I say to all of you gathered here today. Inside of every sentient creature in the universe there is a Pit Wolf. Most of us will never see it. But those of you who fight the Emperor's War have seen it. Tell me when you take the enemy to their last stand, how much harder do they fight to survive." -Golden Age audio excerpt [/i] [spoiler]critique???[/spoiler][/spoiler] [quote]He sighed as he watched the man fight. His body refuse[u]d[/u] the augmentation, including the geneseed. His body showed the begining of physical transformation, but the source of which was unknown. Whatever the source it was a slow thing and he could accelerate it. All his [u]compounds[/u] all his knowledge... useless.[/quote] The majority Of the last sentence is phrased awkwardly. Doesn't make much sense. Be sure to stay within one tense when narrating. It makes for blocky exposition if you swap from past to present. The second and third sentences can be either combined, or you can replace "his body" in one of them to avoid unnecessary repitition. [quote]Brimstone blocked the blows of the combat servators [u]with ease[/u]. His body still felt tight from the [b]zigzag of scars [/b]from the Apothecary's surgery. He knew his body would deny the organs. He remembered the kiss of pain as a memory flashed in his head. Of a lone wolf in the dark. A fight decided by tooth and fang.[/quote] More awkward phrasing here and there. The underlined marks positions within the text where I adjusted the phrasing tone more coherent. The phrase "zigzag of scars" is interesting in the form of imagery, but when a reader sees this, it makes little sense in terms of syntax. "Patchwork of scars and stitches" might fit more soundly, but that's up to you. The memory is vague, but I'm assuming you intentionally meant it to be. If not, you know more than I would on how to correct that. [quote]He was jolted back to reality as [u]the servators elevated their pace: exponentially in fact. [/u]3 more servators came out of the alcoves. "Apothecary[u],[/u] I think the servators are malfunctioning." [u]Blades sprung forth from their mechanical limbs.[/u] [b]Weapon slides racked as they were readied.[/b] A burst of flame signaled the approach of a 5th servator carrying the bulk of a heavy flamer. "Apothecary[u],[/u] what is the meaning of this[u]?[/u]" Brimstone was [u]launched backwards[/u] as he took the flat edge of a power sword [u]to the side of his body, the electricity arcing through his body like a thunderbolt. [/u][b]It tasted like nickel in his mouth as he stared at the servators about to [u]rain [/u]hell upon him.[/b][/quote] Some mechanics and spelling mistakes throught this part of the narrative. The boldest marks sentences or phrases that need to be rephrased because they are incoherent and make little sense to the reader. I can't fix what's in bolder because I'm unsure of how or where you want to take that sentence. I won't critique the dialogue aside from telling you to proofread for spelling mistakes. The hardest part of critiquing is dialogue because it is designed to portray the words of a character, meaning that mistakes or alternative spellings can be intentional. I'll leave that up to you to check out. All in all, it's fairly decent. Could use a bit more vocabulary. My biggest gripe with your action is the phrase "sent flying". That can ALWAYS BE REPLACED by something better. 6.6/10.

[spoiler]FINALLY SOMEONE IS HONEST ABOUT MY WRITING[/spoiler]