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論壇

由Kinda Red編輯: 8/20/2015 1:46:19 PM
10
Sinon was by all accounts a cute little thing. Her hair was dyed a dark blue, like her eyes. It was her favorite color. Her form was slim and small, she wore her uniform as she entered the small arcade after school. The skirt was annoying, but she heard it did her appearance well, so she didn't complain. It bugged her that Dylan was sitting with his feet propped up on one of the games, filling his maw with greasy pizza. Why would he possibly get THAT... Already she didn't like him. He didn't even see her approach from the side until she was right next to him, to which he almost fell out if his seat. She was a few minutes early, she later realized. Dylan was wearing a tank top and loose jeans, the latter of which looked like he forgot to pull them up after using the restroom. His grey boxers could be easily seen. Ugh. He wasn't very appealing to the eyes, his face was perfectly built, minus the mole on his upper lip. His hair was spiked and black/dark brown. If he wore nicer clothes and carrier himself less like an "OG" then he could be very appealing. Her friend had set this up, saying he was pretty cool, but so far he looked like another arrogant gangster wannabe. "Oh! I didn't see you there Sinon..." He holds up a slimy slice, she shakes her head. "I don't mean to be rude, but for a first date, shouldn't we be eating somewhere.... Nicer? It's really dirty here, and so is the food..." "Don't you worry about that missy, I don't carry any diseases... Unless you mean the ones in bed- He laughs. She doesn't. "-oh come on Sin, just a friendly joke!" He gets up, still laughing. What is wrong with this guy... Sinon rolled her eyes in annoyance, the lighting was too harsh for him to see. It would probably be their first and last date from the looks of it. He texted her to come here, a freakin run down arcade a mile from her high school... Not a restaurant, not a theater, nothing but a cheap arcade with barely anyone around... "What exactly are we doing here?" He grins and extends his arms out, gesturing to everything around them; The games. "We're in an arcade sweet cheeks, what do you think?" He's so irritating, that's what. The games around them were old, but active and usable. It was run down, but not closed. A few people wandered the isles as well as them. Shady folk. She sighs and looks around. "I guess so. What first?" He moves out of the way and gestures to Galaga, sitting right behind him. She had never played the real thing, only spin offs. "Galaga! I know you love these games, that's what Kitten said." Kitten, that was her nickname anyway, the friend that set them up for this. A good person, lively and cheerful, she was everyone's best friend. "Not really... I like console games, FPS and RPG type things, not Galaga..." "Then you'll love THIS Galaga!" He takes pushing on her back with his hand, nudging her forward to it. She complies and looks over the game. It was as simple as one button and a joystick, she grasped the oily stick. It was coated with grease, he was probably playing it before she showed up. She tried to hold it with her fingers and not her hand. "Oh come on, you can hold a stick better then that can't you?" He puts a hand over her's pushing her palm onto it. She made an effort not to recoil and push him off for the comment and the contact. It was difficult. She tried to focus on the game itself instead. The patterns were mesmerizing in her mind, she loved the patterns. It was a simple game, too easy for her, after she got used to the absence of a handheld controller. She ranked second in all time scores for the machine, only being beaten by an obviously implanted score. It irked her that people cheated like that. Dylan didn't seem very impressed with her score as she turned back to him for his reaction. "Maybe we should try something more advanced... I think there's Mortal Kombat around here..." He quickly found it, she dragged herself over. There were more buttons then the last, a set for each side. She had never played this before. "So I just punch someone a lot? It's a fighting game I can tell..." "Oh, if you're so good you'll be punching ME a lot, not some bots. Buuuuuuut I have a feeling I'll be beating you down, instead of the other way around..." Again, she rolls her eyes. He takes his position on the right as she does the left. The round starts and immediately he traps her in uppercut spamming; Smack-thump, smack-thump, over and over as her character's face gets bloody from the beating she's taking. Eventually she stays down, losing the first round as he cheers a bit from the side. What he didn't realize is her capacity to learn patterns, she could hear his timing, see what each button did, and got ready for round two. Her character stood back up, a distance from his, and quickly advanced after the start. He punched, she blocked as he did again and again, until she times it lucky into a breaker, slamming his face into the ground. He stands, she uppercuts... And uppercuts. And uppercuts. And uppercuts. It isn't long before he goes down. The next round is much the same, flawless victory. He isn't too happy about it on his side, cursing and raging about "cheap moves". She's lost any sense of hesitation by now, she's having fun beating the sleazeball to a pulp in his own game. "Weren't you supposed to be showing me a thing or two?" He calms down a bit, taking in a deep breath. "I didn't think you would be THAT cheap about it!" "Oh really? The only cheap move I used was the uppercut spam, and you taught me that." He sucks in a breath. "Fine, fine... You won. Maybe a bot this time? I could show you some of my favorite moves." He sets it up, she takes her position. It's a hard bot, finally a challenge. They go back and forth for a while, barely doing anything to the other. It isn't even the end of the first round and she realizes he's inched behind her. Her puts his hands around her, going on top of her hands with his, and pressing up against her back with his chest, looking over her neck and breathing into her hair. "Like this-" He moves her hands to kick the bot in the knee, it damages it slightly. He gets closer on her. "And this-" An uppercut, smacking it into the air. And my favorite..." He doesn't do anything with the game, instead she feels his hips press forward and something hard against her rear. By this point, she's done with him. She elbows him hard in the rib, pulls his arm forward and ducks, pushing back with her hips, flipping him over her and into the machine. He slams down on his back, groans and falls off after trying to get down. She backs away as he gets to his feet, groaning. Before he can do anything though, the lights go out. It isn't just the lights, the machines die out, the lights outside, everything. A blackout? After a few moments pass, a flash of light can be seen outside, then quiet.
English

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  • This piece is great. I can never give numbered scores with how I convey these things, but I'll try my best to keep it short and sweet. The scene is vividly described, as well as the characters and where they stand. It's a fantastic concept to work from playing games and description of actions is exactly how you'll do it. The sleazebag makes me kinda want to smack the side of his head with an iron shovel and then not bury him for dramatic irony. You did good on portraying the side of a man that men don't want their dates to know about, which really shows how careless he is. Sinon shows a less dynamic side with an obtuse personality. She seems shy, but has the skills and adaptability that would either make a person confident of their game (for good reason) or hesitant to show off. I think you tried to go with the latter, which is all well and good, but the choice of her words and actions seem almost too pronounced, like you tried mixing the confidence with hesitance. It's solid, and I can still relate, but it doesn't feel perfectly congruent. Grammar mechanics and spelling is spectacular and refined, but my biggest gripe with this piece is that you bordered telling it in first person when narrating, then swapped over to third for dialogue. You as the narrator can't really voice an opinion unless you directly state that's what a character is thinking or if you imply it lightly. Overall, this is stellar work. A great premise with sturdy characters and dialogue. Framing and narration needs a little work. Sinon probably wouldn't care for roughing out those edges in her otherwise straightforward personality, but she would benefit from it. Grease is cringeworthy for all the right reasons. Word repetition can always be dialed up, but it's vivid enough here no to detract from the story.

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  • 由Kinda Red編輯: 8/20/2015 1:49:45 PM
    On the narration part I tried to flip flop in some places between 3rd and 1st intentionally, trying to balance between detailed exterior detail and things like what they're thinking. I'll see about working on it and the other stuff before writing the next one. [spoiler]n Ty[/spoiler] --- Simply added a single sentence right when she beats him in MK, explains it better. She's "-lost any sense of hesitation-" after being thoroughly annoyed at him, when she knows she can win.

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  • 由Kinda Red編輯: 8/20/2015 2:54:03 AM
    [spoiler]Because I need to save the feedback and nobody seems to know how to post here...still, Ty if you did...[/spoiler] Shad; Gr8 Shark; I liked it. I really immediately hated the guy. You did well making him easy to hate Pavel; Very good, I could sense the douche just from reading about the guy Cobalt; Good stuff. I read it before writing my post. Awesome job at portraying the pseudo-doucheness (or full doucheness I guess as it progresses) and I did not expect that cliffhanger. I'll have to give it a second read after.

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  • I was writing my super plot twist post.

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  • >~> grrrrrrr...

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  • NOBODY EXPECTS THE JAMMISH INQUISITION!

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  • >~> Btw When did you want to hang out with Frost for da plot?

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  • Reply to my post from yesterday if you want. Or you can make a new one. Your choice, eh?

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  • Made on I guess

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  • No clothes were taken off in the making of this post. *Ahem* Shad *Ahem*

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