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Изменено (Nalla): 1/4/2020 5:26:32 AM
4

The lost exo#2 (fanfic)

[spoiler]For past or future pages click the tab nicryhmes[/spoiler] The exo wandered down the halls of the old bray facility while his ghost searched for anything useful. A few minutes go by and the ghost receives transmission from a nearby lab. "That's strange," the ghost mutters, "I'm picking up a message from a ships on board A.I." "Should we go check it out?" The exo asked, he could feel a connection to the ship but didn't tell the ghost yet. "Sure we'll need one to get to the city anyway," The ghost chirped. The exo turned and started heading twards the lab that held the ship. "Hey how do you know the way there? I didn't tell you!" She twirled her shell and blinked at her Guardian with great curiosity. "I don't know I just had a feeling," The Guardian said, slight irritation creeping into his voice. "[i]Ok[/i], well the signals coming from behind those big doors at the end of the hallway," she said, not fully believing the Guardian's [i]feeling[/i]. They walked the long hall in silence only broken by the Guardian's foot steps and the hum of the ongoing machinery. When they reached the end they found that the doors had been sealed off. "Well I'll try to get this open. Sit tight," the ghost said as a blue beam shot from it's eye to a panel on the wall. The exo placed his hand on the doors and they suddenly slid open. "Woah how'd you do that?!" The ghost exclaimed, clearly as amazed as her Guardian. "I don't know I just put my hand on the door and it opened" "Well I guess let's see what's inside," the ghost said, hoping to find some answers. They walk through the heavy doors to find a decontamination room. While walking through the unit activates spraying the Guardian with a warm mixture of chemicals. "That's odd," the ghost said, looking around the room. "What's odd ghost?" "This equipment should be long dead yet everything's working," The ghost said, caution in her tone. "Hmph," Is all the exo mannaged. A door opened in front of them and they walked in. They were met with a large hangar/lab with a beautiful ship suspended in the air. The lab was well lit and completely dust free with odd machinery and equipment. After looking around for a few minutes the ship roared to life and a feminine voice blasted through the exterior speakers. "Hello lieutenant... My scans of the facility revealed no signs of life how are you here?" "[i]Lieutenant[/i]?! I guess that's why you were able to open the door," the ghost said, analyzing the ships sleek hull. "I guess so..." The Guardian said, his voice trailing off. "May I come on board? "Of course lieutenant I [i]am[/i] your ship," the A.I. said with a cheerful tone "Here I have prepared the cabin for your arrival." "Well this is great, the ship already knows you. I wonder why?" The ghost said, anxious to get her Guardian to the city. "Come on ghost let's see the inside!" The exo said, climbing the stairs into the cabin. "Lieutenant?" Said the cheerful voice of the ships A.I. "There's some type of small drone following you into the ship. Should I terminate it?" "What NO she's my ghost! She's the reason I'm alive." "Sorry lieutenant I will save [i]her[/i] as a crew member!" "Thanks Guardian," said the ghost, slowly floating from behind her Guardian's back. "So do you have a name?" The exo asked the ships A.I. "Lieutenant do you not remember?" She asked, clearly flustered "No I have no memory, sorry." "Oh then my name is Kate! You named me after your daughter." "Kate, that's nice I like that. Do you know my name? "Of course lieutenant your name is Koran-5, the first exo to join this project." "Kate... Can we fly? "Yes lieutenant, where would you like to go?" Kate asked, seemingly exited. "Well ghost where to?" "Earth!" Said the ghost, exited to get going "Well Kate, set course for earth," Koran said, a smile playing across his mechanical face... [spoiler]Thank you kseth, Sah voz, and ShadowhearthMC for support and constructive criticism, and feel free to give some more :)[/spoiler]

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  • Good, good, now when will there be a part 3? If I copied your work sue me. It’s the least you can do. Keep up the good work Guardian. .P.S. Does anyone else besides me know about Ray Bradbury?

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    5 отв.
    • Изменено (Sûtek, Hive Prismaticist): 1/5/2020 4:43:09 PM
      Damn, how late am I? Ain’t really been active recently. Welp, time to get to reading. _______________________________________________ [quote]The exo placed his hand on the doors and they suddenly slid open.[/quote] You’re lucky you opened that door before your Ghost, she probably would have [i]accidentally[/i] set off every alarm on the facility and summoned five progressively more difficult waves of Hive from god knows where. [quote] “Of course lieutenant I [i]am[/i] your ship," the A.I. said with a cheerful tone "Here I have prepared the cabin for your arrival."[/quote] You got a free ship during your rez? Man you’re lucky, all I got was a bunch of angry Eliksni scavengers and a bad headache.... [quote] "Lieutenant?" Said the cheerful voice of the ships A.I. "There's some type of small drone following you into the ship. Should I terminate it?"[/quote] Nice [i]and[/i] straight to the point, I like her. [quote]"Oh then my name is Kate! You named me after your daughter."[/quote] Hmm....I’m gonna say you’re welcome, and you tell me if I’m wrong. [quote]"Of course lieutenant your name is Koran-5, the first exo to join this project."[/quote] So, he has a name, means I have more opportunities for.....*ahem* you know what. [quote]Sah voz,[/quote] Eh, close enough. _______________________________________________ Definitely improving from before with separated parts, can’t really give better feedback than KSeth, so all I can really tell ya is that you’re getting better, bud.

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      2 отв.
      • Изменено (Grays_KS27): 1/3/2020 3:06:12 PM
        Good job. I wonder what the project was. You are missing a lot of punctuation, especially commas (,) and apostrophes (‘). Furthermore, when you have dialogue like this: [i]“Blah blah blah,” the guy said.[/i] Notice how the dialogue ends with a comma. You ended most of your dialogue with periods or nothing, but that’s wrong. Dialogue followed by supportive text must end with commas, question marks, or exclamation points. Those are easily overlooked errors and hard to master. There are only a couple small grammar mistakes, like “stares” instead of “stairs” and “hanger” instead of “hangar.” So you did really well. These are challenging mistakes and easy to miss or overlook. Fix that and it’ll be perfect. Your descriptive writing is very short and sweet, but still fantastic at giving the reader the information they need with colorful description. The story is going well. I think the AI was a little too talkative. It went well with its friendly personality, but I feel like it was spitting out extra information that it had no reason to say. For example, when he asked his name it also told him he was the first Exo to join the project. It’s superfluous information not related to the question. And I’m guessing this project was sensitive enough that the AI would have protocols against divulging such information in casual conversation, especially in front of an unknown party (the Ghost). The fact that the AI was ready to terminate the Ghost supports this. Having said that, I understand that you needed the AI to say all that as exposition to inform the reader. And my thoughts on the AI’s protocols involve some serious analysis and thought, things that you probably didn’t consider at all because they are ridiculously in-depth. So you did a great job, but I recommend that in your future writing you try putting some extra thought into stuff like the AI’s protocols and the sensitivity of the project. Attention to detail can be very important. Ah, yes, I love making text walls <3

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        18 отв.
        • And thanks Spherik_Online for inspiration and writing awesome stories.

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