Gather 'round, my chillens. Papa Turtle has one last story for you*. It's a Friday night, no one is home, I have snacks, and it's D&D (Dungeons and Dragons) night. I get everything set up and this will be my first time playing. It's nice, though. I'm inexperienced, but I'm around a lot of friends I've known for a long time. My friends Carlos, Grant, and Jack playing alongside me and showing me the ropes while our friend Max DM's (Dungeon Master) and watches over everything and is in charge. I play as a Tiefling Druid and we start off in a tavern (how creative) and begin our... Umm... "journey"? Well, by "journey", I mean a cluster-blam!- of "why did we let this happen?". The story starts us off that we're a roaming band of bounty hunters escorting a princess (our friend Carlos) and we're stopped at a tavern to accept the contract. Now, that goes over just fine, because it's just dialogue... Except a man in a black cloak came up behind my character after I ate some food and said "how did you know that wasn't poisoned?"... I subsequently had to roll a constitution check to make sure I didn't get poisoned... I had no clue what I was getting into with this session. We head up to the second floor of the tavern and stay the night there. This is where stuff gets interesting. We all wake up to find in the main hall, are three marauders and two archers. We immediately go into combat. Little did I know, this was the beginning of the end for any confidence I would ever have in any encounter in D&D ever again. Max: Carlos, it's your turn. Carlos: Can I involve Grant in my roll for cooperation on something I want to do? Grant: ........ Max: I don't see why not. Carlos: Grant, I want you to lift your shield up. I'm going to pull out my sword, jump on top of your shield, jump off of it, and do a cool spin to see if I can take off two of the marauders' heads. Max: Alright, Grant, do you cooperate? Grant: .......Isn't Kegan in front of us? Carlos: I have a plus five bonus to my roll, I just need to roll at least a seven. Me: ......... Carlos: *rolls a 1* ........Kegan, I am so sorry for what's about to happen Max: Roll a D100. Carlos: *rolls a 76* I AM SO SORRY! Max: Carlos, you jump off of Grant's shield and do your cool little spin, but you hit the wall and screw up. You accidentally impale Kegan through the chest and the sword sticks through the other side, pinning him to the ground and takes 24 points of damage. Me: ............You team-killing -blam!-tard. I eventually make it back up after a few rolls and some healing from our medic, and I make it back to the action. Max: Jack, what do you choose to do? Jack: I roll to shoot one of the archers. Me: Jack, you're all the way in the back of the hall and all of us are in front of you. Jack: Nah, fam, I've got this *rolls 1* Me: ..... Max: Roll a D100 Jack: *rolls 52* Max: Okay, now roll a D3 Jack: *rolls 3* Max: You shoot Kegan in the shoulder, dealing 4 points of damage. Me: Team... Killing... -blam!-tards, all of you. 1 round passes, and it's Jack's turn again... I get shot again... But we kill the rest and make it downstairs. We head downstairs and see a massive ogre and a lot of dead bodies. We go into combat, and I end up trying to be clever and failing. I wrap a rope around the ogre's legs and attempt to trip it so we may take advantage and kill it so it can't charge at us. Now, that would have been just fine if I hadn't forgotten I would have had to roll a strength check... I roll a 6 while the ogre rolls a 19. I get pulled back, I trip, and the ogre stomps on me and I take another 8 damage... I try again... and then get stomped on again... After we defeat the ogre, our next objective is to make it to the next city. Easy enough, all we have to do is find a carriage, and we do. We stop off at a village and purchase one with the gold we made from clearing out the tavern of the marauders and ogre. We make it to the desert, when Jack has an idea. Jack: Wait, Kegan, you're a Druid. You can change into a horse and help pull the carriage so we get there faster. Me: Sounds like a good enough idea, let's do it. *uses beast form (or whatever the -blam!- the skill was called)* Jack: Alright, I'll just tie you to the carriage. Max: Hold up. You have to roll for that. Jack: Wait, what? Max: Yeah, did you think I was kidding when I said there was a "use rope" stat? Jack: ........Kinda. Max: Good luck, then, Mr. "I'll put 10 points in swim when we'll be going to a desert city". Jack: You don't know my life. *rolls a 1* Max: You know the drill... Jack: *rolls a 86* Max: You accidentally tie a noose around your neck and can't take it off and begin to start choking. You take 2 points of damage after each turn until set free. Carlos: -blam!-, I've got this. I roll to untie it. *rolls a 1* Max: ......... Carlos: ....... *rolls a 79* Max: Carlos... You get tangled in the rope as well and are now choking. Grant: Can I try to help? Max: Go ahead. Grant: *rolls a 1* WHAT THE -blam!- IS HAPPENING! Max: What's happening, is you guys getting -blam!-ed. Roll a D100. Grant: *rolls a 88* Max: Can you take a -blam!-ing guess at what happens next? By the way, Jack is unconscious now, and will die soon. Jack: Oh, come the -blam!- on! Max: Kegan, do you choose to help them? *takes drink of water* Me: .......I'm a horse Max: *starts actually choking while everyone starts laughing* We eventually make it out of that situation. I turn back into regular form, and actually use a knife to cut them loose. We make it to the city. Basic rundown: Jack befriends a hog and names it Mr. Piggles. Jack gets bitten by a werewolf. Carlos pisses off a dwarf. Jack tries to eat said dwarf. Me and Grant get lost in the city. Jack and Carlos get attacked by guards for attacking a shopkeeper "accidentally" when a simple intimidation roll turns into a spear in the chest and a lot of screaming. Jack digs a hole behind the store so he and Carlos can escape while Mr Piggles sacrifices himself and gets killed by the guards. Jack goes in a bloodrage and jumps out of the whole, entirely losing the element of surprise, and any chance of escape. Carlos gets Coup De Grace'd by a guard and Jack makes it out alive and we all escape from the city and set up camp. We go over everything that happened, make plans for what happens next, and go on with the rest of the session. We set up camp and head to bed. Max: Jack, do you know what an insanity roll is? Jack: Yeah, that's whe- Max: You were bit by a werewolf and there's a full moon out... Jack: ...... Max: You turn into a werewolf and begin to ravage the camp while Grant is keeping guard and Kegan is asleep. Jack: Grant, wake him up, wake him up, waKE HIM UP, WAKE HIM UP! Me: WAKE ME UP INSIDE! Grant: CAN'T WAKE UP! Me: Why the -blam!- not? Max: Because it's Jack's, I mean, my roll right now. *rolls a 20* The rest of us: ............ Max: Kegan, Jack turns you over. Me: No... Max: He rips open your sleeping bag. Me: No no no... Max: And he slices your throat open, killing you. Me: ....... After that, Grant knocks out werewolf Jack and has this to say. Grant: You know... I had a really cool Druid friend... He's kinda dead now. The princess we were escorting isn't here anymore. She's kinda dead too... The only person I have left killed my friend and will turn into an enraged, unstoppable beast every time there's a full moon... -blam!- this shit *rolls a 18* Max: What was that roll for? Grant: I roll to execute Jack while he's knocked out. Max: ..........Well, damn... I mean... You do it, but damn. Grant: *rolls a 14* Max: What the -blam!- was that one for? Grant: Seppuku. Max: Jesus -blam!-ing Christ. Grant: Renegade for life. Max: No, I mean Jesus -blam!-ing Christ, you can't even kill yourself right. You stab yourself and don't even do enough damage to finish the job. Grant: .........Do I seriously need to stab myself again? So, yeah. That was my first D&D experience. Killed by a werewolf. Still pretty fun. *But, as I said earlier, this is my last story I will be having for you guys, as I am permanently leaving bnet. I didn't just want to leave on just a "Bye, bnet, I'm leaving" kind of post. That shit's boring and no one gives a -blam!-. So, I figured if I'm going to leave a message of me leaving, I should do it in a type of post that I liked to make. Just a nice little story thread like my old War of The Neighbors threads that like two of you guys will remember. Anyways, it's been nice being hanging around and trying to entertain you guys with crappy memes, cringey list threads, bad story-telling, and everything in between that I liked to post here. Cya guys later. ⁂