It sounds like your character progression was on your PS4 account, and when you deactivated Cross Save your original Steam characters (or lack of them) were returned. Cross Save is not account migration, so deactivating Cross Save and unlinking your PS4 account effectively removed your characters from your access.
The only way to restore your characters at this time is to reactivate Cross Save with your PS4 account. You will need to wait out the 90-day lockout before you can do this. In the meantime, you can continue to play your PS4 characters on a PS4 or PS5.
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Don't really understand how that could work, shouldn't be my data on steam or at least on my bungie account and not on my PS4 which I don't own anymore? But when I understand that correctly my data are now on my PS4 account and to get them back I have to activate Cross Save again. But why I have to wait 90 days? In 90 days the season is nearly over. And I don't have the money over to buy or rent a PS4 und buy PS+ to play for that time. Is there someone that can activate it for me at bungie? I don't know if I could have known that this will happen, but I get that its my fault, I don't want to be locked out of destiny for such a long time.
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Character data is stored on Bungie's servers, but it is tied to the specific platform account. Even though you don't have a PS4 any more, you were still using that character data through Cross Save. To get that data back, you will need to be able to access that account again on a PlayStation, or set up Cross Save again with your PlayStation account set as the primary once the lockout has expired.
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That is really disappointing. There was mentioned a 90 day delay but not that it would have this result. I asked my brother and could get his old PS4 for some time. So all I have to do is log into my account and download destiny and my progress is back? But can I even play on the PS4 I bought all the extractions on steam, does that get saved in my account too?
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Yes, your character data will be available when you log into PS4 with your account. DLC is tied to the platform, so you won't have access to that. However, anything you have earned, as well as season passes and dungeon keys, will be available. The only exception is Stasis, which requires an active Beyond Light license.
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So when I want to keep playing with my friends (we are not close to be done with the story) I have to buy all the DLCs again in addition of having to buy PS+ or I have too wait the 90 days in which time they would be have to wait with progression too or they have to play without me? I have no words, what have I done to deserve that?
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Yes, or progress your original steam characters using the DLC on that platform. While it may feel punishing, how cross save is detailed on the cross save landing page as well as the help article does explain it is not account migration. It is expected that players understand these systems that they are opting into before agree to them, as well as deactivating them. I'm sorry your experience has been negative.