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originally posted in: Soul Hunter (Story snippet)
3/11/2022 8:16:34 PM
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It's been a few weeks, but i'm so glad i took the time to like the post so i could find it again! In this bit, your sentence structure is top-tier. Those fragments at the beginning seem like such a simple trick, but it's so effective at grabbing attention. Love that wordbuilding as well; the summary hit all the major points without going full textbook, so the edgy tone stayed intact. Beautiful work! I have 4 critiques, all little stuffs, and some of it's grammar. My first point is the first description of the sound of rain is too vague. I live somewhere where it rains [i]a lot[/i], and you wouldn't believe how different it can sound depending on the conditions. Heavy, thunderstroms makes this -blam!- [i]pppsssshhhhhhh[/i] sound, while lighter rains may be uneven sequences of [i]bloopbloopbloopbloopbloop[/i]. The surface also makes a huge difference; a metal or window in lighter rain will make a [i]pit patter patter[/i], whereas a soil will make more of a [i]splash[/i] or [i]plap[/i] depending on how muddy it is. I know it seems like unnecessarily specific, but i find that the type of rain fits better for different stories. For this one in particular, i'm thinking it shoukd be described as a sheet-like thunderstorm, where the rain sound is the nore -blam!- [i]psshh[/i] symbolizing a tragic indifference of the world towards the child-witch's death. Whereas, the classic crying in the rain scene would be somtheing a bit lighter, still a heavy downpour, but the rain sound would a little more distinct per droplet. Second bit, i'm pretty sure the word huff is a verb/noun, not just an onomonopeia sound or a dialouge, so you don't have to put it in quotations. Third, and i can see why this makes tbe scene more dramatic, but why does the Soul Hunter close his eyes before he shoots the witch? Does he not need them to aim? I can see why you put that in, and it does make the scene more emotional, but it's a little silly if you think too much into it. The final thing i wanted to mention was the transition point in between the storytime in italics and the main plot. Usually, when i encounter something similar to what you did in italics (i don't know what to call it lol), it's followed up by a scene of what happened after the speaker told the story. This type of scene creates a very fluid transition. Here, the narrator and audience is a complete enigma: we know the italics is happening in the story because it's told in first-person, but the reader cannot possibly know by whom or from what perpective because the next section is Hazel going pretty much solo. The italics section could also be used as a prologue/pre-chapter, but i don't like using something like that as a prolouge, because introducing with a ton of world building without having any context is a little too textbook-y. Imo, a better transition would be if an old crone is recounting the tale in the tavern when Hazel walks in. Then, you could do the fighty bit from an omniscient perespective, then transition towards Hazel's perspective. I personally don't think you'd miss much, especially if the details in the first two paragraphs after the italics were reinforced after Hazel walks out. Oh, and is this going to be a series, or are you just giving us a little taste of your next project? I'd love to see where you go with this!
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  • Edited by The First Aifos: 3/12/2022 6:30:31 PM
    [quote]Rain[/quote] See, I live in a desert, so I do not see a lot of rain, and did not know that. :p The idea is that it’s always raining in the City of the Dead. It can’t be anything too heavy, or life would be unbearable, but definitely more than a drizzle. City of Tears is probably a good comparison actually. What kind of sound would that make? [quote]Eyes[/quote] ‘Cause he doesn’t want to shoot him. There’s actually a dual-protag thing in this story; half the chapters will be about Hazel, half of them will be about a pair of SHA operatives (though obviously their stories overlap, too), and killing this kid is a big point in SHA man’s character arc, and he doesn’t want to see it. The kid’s standing still, and he already took aim, so I’d assume if he pulled the trigger fast enough he wouldn’t have to readjust. [quote]Exposition dump[/quote] Nah, I was going full [url=https://youtu.be/OgthCs7G_q8]Darksiders style exposition dump[/url]. It is worth noting my format is a bit different on my doc, though; you’ve got the intro with the boy, then a title page (“Soul Hunter” in super big letters), then a “Chapter 1: The Dying Witch”, then the italics. I know that exposition dumps are generally considered to be bad writing, but the problem is, this isn’t something anyone would just be talking about, it’s common knowledge. It’s also something you [i]need[/i] to know before the story gets going, though. One of my earlier ideas was to set the intro during someone choosing their keepsake, but when I decided to make all three of my protags older that fell out the window. So, I fell upon an exposition dump, because it’s essential information, but I didn’t have any natural way to get it across. As a fun side note, though, I imagine the narrator to either be Hazel or Nyx. [quote]More?[/quote] At the moment, I’m not planning on posting anymore. Or even writing anymore at all. I was mostly just writing this prologue for funsies. :p

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  • Edited by Merribor: 3/14/2022 4:59:07 PM
    [quote]Rain[/quote] I realized it'd be much easier to show you rather than try to spit words, so here's a super heavy, stormy rain: https://youtu.be/aDQMxx20owM This one is also heavy, but not quite as much as the lost one. The individual sounds of the raindrops get completely lost in the overall shower of rain: https://youtu.be/3vtIpIesXNs This is one is a light rain. That -blam!- shower noide is still in the background, but those uneven trickles grab attention, and i think that's what'd you'd want to accentuate in a story, if you wanted this kind of rain. https://youtu.be/j9nhecEWMuE For this story, i think this one is the best one: https://youtu.be/UzEfSjTYvDc . I know there's other sounds, but it mimics the showery noise of the heavier rain without being too nuch of a downpour. Oh, and this one is rain on leaves, so, whereas the others noises seem to be hard surfaces, this change in texture results in a change of noise. I think this one has much more of a crackling or [i]splat[/i] kinda sound with each droplet. https://youtu.be/Ix7jCfjAFEg This rain talk might be a little too specific for our purposes here, but i think what i'm really looking for is a stronger word choice in that first line. A sharp fragment like that really grabs attention, but i think it could be a little more descriptive. Maybe like a spattering of rain or a splash of rain or something like that, idk? [quote]Eyes[/quote] Aye, i'm probably being a little too nitpicky here because that dynamic you want to show is much more important than the ultra-specifics. You do communicate the idea with the line, so the eyes closing isn't a necessity, but i do like how it reinforces a layer of sincerity with the Shaw man, since they seem like not nice guys. Something that would've felt more naturalistic to me would be if he was like right next to the boy and aiming his gun down or if he had closed his eyes/turned his head away after shooting and not before. But, that's probably just a personal preference and being too nitpicky. [quote]Exposition Dump[/quote] Now that i'm rethinking about it, this whole piece sounds like the intro to a sequel rather than a whole new project. Hazel clearly has beef with the other Witches, so if book 1 was about that, then book 2 is about whatever Hazel's fixing to do next. Also, the prolouge bit could signal the Shaw man as a new protaganist, who wasn't really present or was a side character in the last book. In this perspecitve, the exposition dump is a really good catch-up to review all the stuff that the reader should've remembered from the last book. Or it could be the classic memoirs, Hobbit-style, where Hazel or Nyx writing everything down after the book is complete. And if one or both of your potential authors are dead, they could've written everything down beforehand. Of course, the source of the exposition dump wouldn't be revealed until later, bit it'd be satisfying to learn where it came from at least. Or maybe the narrator isn't present in the story, abd you coild change the exposition dump from first person to third. I'm not completely sure what that would do, but it might feel better. Lastly: [quote]i'm thinking the narrator could be Nyx[/quote] But also: [quote]The Dark Witch, Nyx. A merciless killer, and [b]the greatest master of magic I'd ever seen.[/b][/quote] Ok then, Nyx, calm down.

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  • [quote]Rain[/quote] “And then there was silence, broken only by the pitter patter splishy splash of rain.” :p The uneven one definitely sounds like what I was imagining. I’ll bear that in minf whenever I hop back to this. [quote]Eyes[/quote] Well, it is worth noting I wasn’t imagining him standing too far away. He isn’t, like, a whole street down or anything. Only like an arm’s length away or something. But I moght have him duck away after pulling the trigger. That does sound nicer. [quote]Exposition[/quote] Oh no, definitely not a sequel. Hazel’s beef with the other Witches deals [i]heavily[/i] with why they’re there, and what they’re trying to do, which is kinda the big reveal. Hazel will be a sort of sketchy ally to Shaw man, because she proves her worth and desire to take down the other Witches, but she refuses to work with the SHA in any official manner, and is super duper secretive about why she’s doing what she’s doing, and won’t reveal a hint of info about the Witches’ plans, despite presumably knowing them, and being on Shaw man’s side. I want the reader to be a bit conflicted. With her as the protag of half the book, I want the reader to feel like they can believe in her, but at the same time she’s gonna be so vague and dodgy that it feels like she’s hiding something—not just from Shaw man and Shaw girl, but from the reader, too. Then, once her motives are revealed, it’s all a big mess, and she’s standing right smack in the middle of a huge grey area, and the reader will have to make a choice whether what she’s trying to do is okay or not. I want their heads buzzing, and they can’t buzz if her motives are revealed a hypothetical book 1! I don’t see why the source of the exposition has to be revealed. Could be fun leaving it up to interpretation. It is worth noting, it’s the only piece of exposition I plan on having—if it does pop up anywhere else, it would only be at the end. Shaw man makes his big decision, and our mysterious narrator, be them Hazel, Nyx, or Death the Kid (that’s not his name) gives their thoughts on it, leaving us with some bittersweet ending as this voice prattles on and cue fade to black. [quote]Okay then, Nyx, calm down.[/quote] Imagine just walking up to the biggest threat in the City of the Dead, and telling her to calm down after she compliments herself. Probably gonna be Witch-fodder. :p

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  • [quote]And then there was silence, broken only by the pitter patter splishy splash of rain. [/quote] YES! It's perfect lol! Completely unrelated, but have you ever heard of those bad writing competitions? It's pretty funny to see what goofy metaphors folks can come up with. [quote]Exposition Dump[/quote] *sigh* I suppose this short summary is going have to do for now. Super interesting concept though! I think for me, it's an immersion thing. When i read fiction, especially sci-fi or fantasy, i want the book to be so convincing that i want to believe that somewhere out there, the events actually happened in some weirdo parallel universe or other dimension. This effect is strongest when the world is completely self-contained, with very little, aside from fundamental physics and laws od nature, borrowed from the real world. So, when you have some ethereal narrator explaining all this stuff that you should already know, it rips a hole in the barrier between the real world and the fictional world in order to help the reader understand the world better. Not that it's terrible to have one, but i think the story flows better if the narration occurs within the context of the plot. That way, the world stays self-contained. It's the same reason i really don't like 4th wall breaks, so it could be a taste thing. Does that make sense? I will say that it's less of a big deal than i make it out to be because, if this was even a shorter book, like only 200 pages, I'd probably forget that the exposition dump even happened about halfway through if the book is good enough. Here, it pokes out a lot more because it's like a third of the segment. [quote]Nyx[/quote] I mean, yeah, but i'd probably end up as witch-fodder anyway. And i'm tired of all this spellcasting driving the year-potion prices too high!

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  • [quote]Rain[/quote] Haha, I haven't, but they sound pretty brilliant. :p [quote]Exposition[/quote] Oh, trust me, I know. Exposition dumps are almost always considered bad writing, and for good reason. It tears a hole in the immersion, it's not very interesting to most readers, and all that jazz. I have tried to write this intro over a dozen times, though. Like, seriously, over, and over, and over, and this is the only time I've been able to get it to work. The unfortunate truth is, you have to know about Keepsakes, and years, and Witches, and the SHA, right from the get go, and there's simply not a great way to get all that information across. Hazel already knows about it, Shaw man and Shaw girl already know about it, Death the Kid (that's still not his name) already knows about it, and there's simply no reason for anyone to go searching out this info, and no reason for some rando to be explaining it. Well, not without some arbitrary flashback to Hazel's childhood or something, but honestly that's not really any better. [quote]Nyx[/quote] Death needs you! Fight the Witches! Join the SHA today!

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  • [quote]Exposition[/quote] Hmm, yeah this is a mighty fine pickle. Curse you for making imaginative worlds with interesting rules! Maybe Death (Death the Death, not Death the Kid) could be a potential narrator? Death seems to fulfill this omnipresent, god-like role in the story, and it's pretty hard to have the mortal characters to explain all this stuff for no reason. But i think you still run into same problem, where the audience is the trouble spot. Why would anybody listen to rambling exposition about stuff everybody already knows? And if Death is the narrator, then it would work great for the origins of the City of the Dead, but it'd be awkward for the Nyx and Shaw sections. I suppose it could be in writing, like a history of the City of the Dead penned by Death himself so people don't forget, but still no Nyx and no Shaw. I'm not quite sure if it would work, but it's an idea. [quote]Nyx[/quote] Yo, they have a slogan! Do they have onna those old Uncle Sam posters, except Uncle Sam is the Grim Reaper?

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  • [quote]Exposition[/quote] I suppose it's hard to say, since I only have the basics of this plot written out, but I'm not sure how well Death being the narrator would work, because I'm not sure whether Death will ever make a direct appearance. It is worth noting, though that the reason I call the one guy Death the Kid (because once again, that is definitely not his name) is because he made a deal with Death, something like temporary immortality, and in return he's helping Death achieve something, acting like a sort of proxy. With him definitely having a direct role in the plot, he could make a good narrator, too. The current ending I have in mind has him as either the last character you see. Putting it in writing could work, too, but I feel like you already need to know about the keepsakes for even just this intro, with Hazel and the Soul Bar. How I could work any writing in there before that, I have no idea. [quote]Nyx[/quote] Yeah, that's basically what I was thinking. Uncle Death. :p

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