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2/22/2022 9:08:40 PM
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[spoiler]I hate the “swipe down to close” thing. Just deleted my whole comment![/spoiler] I’ve always had a soft spot for goofy assassins, so I loved this guy! I’ve also been in the mood to write a mute character, so seeing one held a bit of charm. I read this during the forum shutdown, so I don’t remember what grammatical errors I saw, but I do remember 2 bigger issues. 1. Nona didn’t seem to care much when the guy was murdered right in front of him. Being an amnesiac, he’d probably not be used to the sight of death, and this is the first time we’ve seen it if I recall. Bit weird he wasn’t freaking out. 2. Each part so far seems to be revolvimg around the introduction of a new character. This isn’t necessarily bad, given the writing prompt, but it does feel a bit weird to get 4 new character introductions who appear & disappear within the span of a chapter or so. I think you should make an effort for some of them to hang out a bit longer, like Condi did. Though, assuming he appears later, Jerome does seem the type to pop in & out without a word (Ha!), and we probably wouldn’t want a chapter focused around Phyllis… Maybe. So, perhaps this won’t be an issue later, once the quick-visit characters are out of the way.
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  • You can thank Sumpig for Jerome, it's his character! For the first issue, what i was trying to go for was that Nona never actually sees the two bodies. Deep down inside, he knows that they're dead, but since he doesn't really encounter death at this moment, he's focusing more on being grateful that he's not dead rather than being freaked out after a close encounter with death. That's what i was trying to go for, but i think two mistakes: 1) having Jerome pull the lizardfolk out of the smoke. Tjis sets up the scene to where it seems like Nona, Reke, and Jerome are casually having a conversation over his dead body, Skyrim-style, which is not what i intended lol. 2) i probably could've narrated Nona's thoughts a little bit more to help reinforce what he's thinking. Nothing too too clear, but more so implied. Also, *sweats nervously as there are more characters to introduce* I'm kinda trying to blaze through this beginning section because most of the created characters pop uo more in the middle. However, I also overthought this beginning section so much because there's more moving parts, and i'm going to try to hammer in my magic system now, so that the middle section can take off. I will say that i'm planning on having both characters appear later, Jerome a tad more than Phyllis.

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  • In that I case I think I would've honestly just skipped past the fight completely. Don't show Jerome fighting the two at all, and just mention the smoke, and the sounds Nona can hear from within. Would've kept us--the readers--far away, too. As for the second one, I feel that. I had this one idea to do a signup story like this, where it'd follow a rough 'n tumble superhero orphan gang, but the more I thought about it, the more I was just like "How do I tell a coherent story, and try to introduce all these characters at the same time?", and the idea fell apart. [spoiler]I'm tempted to still do it as a regular story, anyway, though. It's got a nifty title; [i]"What a Wonderful World"[/i], and a really nifty scene at the end to go along with it. No time, though.[/spoiler] I will say, though, if this was a regular story, I'd probably consider this a much bigger critique, but given the "sign up story" format, I'm not sure how much of a problem it actually is. The whole point of the exercise is to have these characters here and whatnot. Plus, I totally have this exact same issue in my regular writing, so I totally get it, even besides that. :p

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  • Right, I think i was trying to give a little taste of Jerome's personality through the fight scene (and add a bit of action), but it might be better to stay firmly in Nona's perspective, at least for this section. Hmm.... i'll think about it if i go through and edit; for now, i'm going to focus on getting through the story. I do seem to recall that other sign-up stories in the past had an issue introducing characters too quickly, especially the ones that introduced them in groups. I think i'm going to try and thread them in one at a time, but it's not going to be a constant stream all at once on the beginning. It is a fun exercise, though, because i find that i'm dealing with many more and much more creative characters than i'd usually think up just by myself.

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  • Honestly, Jerome having swooped in, taken them out without letting Nona see a thing, then stepping out of the smoke all spooky and evil like, only to do some silly charades thing would’ve built his personality nicely. :p I really like the idea of the exercise because it pulls you out of your comfort zone. Makes you deal with character archetypes you don’t usually use. Like, for me, I often fall into this nice guy/tough girl duo as my default protags, which I really need to stop doing. That might not be an option in this kinda story, though! Well, I’ll deal with it later, I suppose. Can’t afford to start a new writing project at the moment; gotta do my editing.

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