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1/28/2022 3:15:03 AM
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This part was really weird, but in a good way. Many people would probably criticize this for seeming to be filler, but honestly, I think filler is a good thing as long as there's not too much of it. Phyllis and her assistant were delightfully goofy. They're the kind of side characters who appear only briefly, but would make you excited to see them again when rereading the story, I think. I also loved the description of the Outskirts, and how chaotic it was. It reminded me of No. 6, with a twist of Dragon Ball GT, and I loved both those shows. I particularly enjoyed how there was like this invisible wall that nobody wanted to pass, where the chaos suddenly gave way to an empty area just outside the actual walls. Super nifty! As for criticisms, I feel like the first tremor wasn't emphasized enough. They're obviously important, and the later ones had plenty of emphasis, but the first one just came in went in barely a sentence. I had to double back and make sure I read it correctly, because the idea of a tremor seemed really out of place until later, where you gave them more proper descriptions. There was also a line near the beginning, "something something faceless face, something something, out of place". Generally, I think it's good to avoid rhymes like that, though that might just be. Gets the reader i-blam!-, making them want to keep up that beat, but then they can't, because that beat doesn't actually exist. Finally, I feel like a line got lost between the end of the first post, and the beginning of the second. It didn't take long to piece it together (a voice was calling them), but I reread it a couple times, because I never actually saw a line saying a voice was calling them.
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  • Yeah, i had a lot of fun writing in phyllis, so hopefully i can pull her out at least a few more times before i move on. Thanks for the criticisms; it's all little stuff, but i'll try to keep them in mind, especially that little bit for the rhymes. I'll check the doc that i copy/paste from, since, after reading through it again, i think a line did get lost in between the op and the comment extension.

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