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5/14/2021 8:52:11 AM
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Today my ex-best friend of 14 years stopped game-sharing D2 with me on PS4 because I asked him to stop using hate speech
Warning, tactical text wall inbound.
So, as the title suggests, my ex-best friend and I have been great pals for over 14 years, going on 15. Over 7 years ago we started playing Destiny together and it became our new bonding activity and has remained ever since. We play it more than anything else, and have played together every new major release/minor release, season, update, everything. We got Not Forgotten together, Anarchy, all of it, you name it. Of course we’ve played with other people too, but the great PC divide ended up leaving just the two of us in the dust, so from start to finish, the only consistency has been us two.
Anyways, so it was the eve of Season 14, and I had come to think of our relationship and the times we’ve spent together and everything, and realized that since we first became friends, I’ve changed a lot. In ways for the better. While I used to be lost in the sauce in a lot of ignorant ways, such as rampantly using certain hate speech willy-nilly for comedic effect and coming from a place of societal privilege not really caring or thinking about anyone outside my own world, I feel like I’ve changed immensely. (For context I’m only 24 and he’s 26, so quite a bit of growth and development has occurred not just in me but in the world since age 10.)
But lately I had been thinking more and more about how he hadn’t. And it was partly because I had never checked him for anything. Now I’m not saying he’s a severely bad person or anything, because he’s not, he just doesn’t know, just like I used to. So when we were playing Trials just last week and he used the f-slur, or when he’d drop the n bomb, I finally felt like maybe I should say something to him. Because he’s my best friend, and if I want to keep him in my life then he needs to be a better person and should stop saying things like that when he’s in no position to.
So the day before the new season, I finally said something. I told him I wanted him to stop using certain words and hate speech because it was wrong and that I wanted to help him and was coming from a place of positivity. His defense was that it’s okay because he uses it only within the privacy of his best friend, and that he isn’t and would never hurt anyone directly with those types of words. Then after a long nearly day long discussion on the entire matter, he decided that I was simply just trying to control him and that his views and beliefs were just different, and he chose to cut me off instead of even for a second considering changing his behaviors.
I told him I didn’t want to stop being friends with him and in fact the opposite, I was saying all this BECAUSE I still wanted to be his friend. I just wanted him to be a better person. And I told him I didn’t expect him to change overnight, because I sure didn’t, and that I would help him, and all I wanted was for him to show some sort of accountability or effort toward understanding the situation or even where I was coming from.
But he wasn’t having any of it. So here’s the tough part. He says we can’t be friends anymore and that he wishes me the best, severs every connection we have on all social media, and that’s it. In the case of Destiny, Destiny 1 I always had my own DLC and so did he. Come Destiny 2, I’ve only paid for the full launch title and every season since Undying. During D2’s birth we started game sharing with each other all sorts of games just to save some money where we could, since we both played the same things anyway.
Well, 3 days into playing the new season alone, having heard his goodbyes and not a word from him since, I logged on tonight to see that I had no access to any of the DLC and was basically F2P with a season pass. Honestly didn’t even see it coming despite everything. But to say that it adds insult to injury is an understatement. I hadn’t intended to drop D2 just because I lost my other half of the experience that made it seem whole, but now I realized that that wasn’t even my choice to make.
I don’t know how this’ll be reacted to, but honestly I just wanted to vent because I am genuinely hurt and devastated by the whole situation in general and if anyone reads this far then thank you for listening from the bottom of my heart. Not going to lie, this feels worse than a breakup. But I know I’ll live. I just needed to get these feelings out there. I’ll figure something out as far as D2 goes, but to everyone else, stay happy and healthy~
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#Offtopic
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Thread has become toxic over time and will receive a lock. Please review the [url=https://www.bungie.net/7/en/Legal/CodeOfConduct]Bungie.net Code of Conduct[/url] before posting on our forums. Play nice.
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3 RespostasOne of my friends (probs the first friend I ever made at school) had a falling out with the rest of us when we were maybe 22/23, the rest of the group don’t talk to him anymore and I only exchange memes and a few sentences every so often. It was rather more serious than dropping the n bomb every so often, more like a building toxic attitude that ended up with a pretty major incident, but now we’re all nearly 30 and it doesn’t look like things’ll ever get back to the way they were. It’s sad but shit happens. He’s probably more mad that you suddenly brought it up when he presumably naively thought that you were ok with it before. I dunno how the discussion/argument went down but give him some time to cool down and I’m sure he’ll get in contact again. I don’t see why it would be such a big deal to be asked not to say offensive things even as a joke. I’ll happily say all sorts of offensive things around my friends but that’s with the mutual understanding that there are still lines not to be crossed etc.
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Editado por Psyntifik: 5/14/2021 10:51:42 AMDid you personally feel offended by anything he said? Did you stress that? Cultmeister sums up my feelings on this with this... [quote]I’ll happily say all sorts of offensive things around my friends but that’s with the mutual understanding that there are still lines not to be crossed etc.[/quote] I have a very small group of friends I've known so long that I don't remember [i]not[/i] knowing them. We share a dark and offensive sense of humour but I'm confident none of them really hold these views - otherwise I just wouldn't be friends with them. Most importantly, we really don't have any bars set now, but if anyone in this group genuinely had a change of heart and felt uncomfortable we'd stop [u]immediately[/u]. I don't know the details of your discussion at all, but it reads like you tried telling him right from wrong when he already knew (you even stress he's a good person). He could have felt patronised.
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2 RespostasHe can't admit to being wrong, not being mature enough for self-examination. Instead he's mad at you for pointing out that he's a racist. You can't make him grow up by using logic. He'll just hide behind cancel culture and his right to be a bigot if he wants to be. Unfortunately he'll find lots of like-minded people to support his ignorance. You could look at this as an opportunity to find new friends.
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2 RespostasAlmost had 3 paragraphs written until I realized this is just massive bait. Offtopic lock% speedrun anyone?
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1 ResponderI would suggest that next time you try a more gradual process instead of boom boom boom. Also, if you see him again, make sure to say hi or something, just don't pretend he doesn't exist. I've known something like this (over a more serious issue) to have happened, but involved parties became friends again, not just because of time, but also because the person in the right approached it from a position of humbleness. Thanks for reading, I hope I gave you something worthwhile.
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2 RespostasEditado por pValue2010: 5/15/2021 10:26:06 AMI was playing COD the other day when one of my friends dropped the “f” bomb, sort of just instinctively when he died and without any actual hatred toward gay people. Well we had a gay person in the party. She said something to the effect of “I can tolerate a lot of words, but not that one.” Didn’t make a big deal about it, didn’t tell him he needed to get better as a person. Guess what happened! He said sorry, and we put it behind us instantly. Had a good laugh at him later of course. Because that’s what actual friends do.
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10 RespostasMy opinion on this matter depends on [i]why[/i] you were telling him to stop. If you were telling him to stop because the words he was using were making you uncomfortable, then fair enough. Friends need to learn where not to cross a line. This is what you should have started with though. Telling him that the words he was using were making you uncomfortable, rather than trying to tell him he’s wrong. If you were telling him to stop to make yourself feel like a better person, by making him a better person too, then knock it off with all that “holier than thou” nonsense. People talk differently in private than they do in public. He knows the words he’s using aren’t appropriate for public use, but he’s only using them in a private chat with his best friend, like he had been for years. You probably came off as some self-righteous jerk. I’d probably get mad at you for that, too. In either case, the first thing you should do is apologize. And yes, [i]you[/i] should apologize, not him. If the words were making you uncomfortable, just let him know. Maybe he’ll understand, and he’ll try to dial it back a bit, or maybe he’ll say it won’t work, but you can at least leave on a positive note instead of an argument. If you were just trying to make him better for the sake of it, you should apologize tell him you were being an idiot. Once again, if you both still want to go your separate ways, at least you can try to end on a positive note. Otherwise, if you realize you were being a jerk, maybe he’ll forgive you. Eh, but take everything I say with a grain of salt, I suppose. My friends & I never really argue.
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19 RespostasAlso, f-slur? What?
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reads title based
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Perhaps maybe you should look inside yourself, and master yourself FIRST, before you try to tell anyone who or what they should be. Master Thyself first guardian.
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Editado por Sgt Gun Buck: 5/15/2021 4:46:39 PMYou expect too much of the people around you. Hate speech is completely legal and if it doesn’t apply to you, don’t worry about it.
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2 Respostas[spoiler]TL;DR[/spoiler]
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A joke is a joke and a laugh is a laugh but.. Anyone uses that word around me and they're fckd off. Luckily, nobody around me uses that word. Good for you 💯 👍
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It sounds to me like you're trying to change the people around you. You will never be successful in changing peoples minds even if they are your friend. Saying you wanted him to stop using slurs is a few steps above where you should have started; Telling your friend the words they were using were causing you to feel uncomfortable. Best way to progress from that point is to ask them to stop- if they won't- then tell them to stop. Frankly it sounds like you guys had a little more of an issue with each other than just that.
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Thanks for sharing, that’s a really hard thing to go through. Especially when someone has been your friend for that long.
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Wow [spoiler]licks finger [/spoiler]
