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Edited by GiantSlayer: 11/25/2019 5:46:03 PM
7

A Titan Rises Chapter 2: Collision

“So....why is there a large fireball heading towards us, and why did you not tell me sooner?” Titan said bluntly. “To answer your second question,” Seth replied, “I was planning on it being a surprise, and I also really wanted to get this bug. I did not expect the situation to become too [i][b]hot[/i][/b] to handle! Man, I am really on [i][b]fire[/i][/b] tod-“ Titan smacked Seth upside the head. “Right.” He continued. “A couple days ago I detected a foreign object on a collision course with Lore. It did not seem to be a mere asteroid, for it was accelerating too rapidly. As such, I wanted to enlist your help just in case it proves to be anything...undesirable.” “And because you don’t know the first thing about combat?” Titan said, raising an eyebrow. “Well, it doesn’t hurt to have a Tank unit.” “That a compliment?” “I will let you decide that.” Titan braced himself for anything as it grew closer... And Closer, And Closer... Until... The ground shook as the object crashed into the ground in front of Titan, who, although mildly shook, was relatively unharmed. Titan drew his revolver and inched closer with Seth right behind him, walking stick raised. As they drew near the smoldering wreckage, Titan could see that this object was an escape pod. “It could just be jettisoned from a passing ship.” He conjectured. “Only one way to find out.” Seth urged. They crept closer. Titan hopped into the crater the pod made and peered into the viewport. “It’s humanoid...” Titan observed. “Other than that I have no idea.” ———————————————— [b]//AI-COM/ECHO|SYSTEM STATUS=ONLINE.// //COMMENCE EXTERNAL SCAN// //...// //SCAN COMPLETE. RESULTS FOLLOW.// //UPPER EXTREMITIES=FUNCTIONAL. NO DAMAGE DETECTED.// //LOWER EXTREMITIES=FUNCTIONAL. MINOR DAMAGE DETECTED.// //CENTRAL FRAME= FUNCTIONAL. MAJOR DAMAGE DETECTED// //CENTRAL PROCESSING CORE=FUNCTIONAL. MINOR DAMAGE DETECTED.// //DAMAGE ASSESSMENT: MINOR TRAUMA TO LOWER EXTREMITIES. MULTIPLE FRACTURES TO CENTRAL NERVE SYSTEM. ODDS OF PARALYSIS 54%. MINOR SKULL BLUNT-FORCED TRAUMA.// //COMMENCE INTERNAL SCAN.// //...// //SCAN COMPLETE. RESULTS FOLLOW.// //PROCESSING UNIT=FUNCTIONAL. NO DAMAGE DETECTED.// //MOTOR UNIT=OFFLINE. MAJOR DAMAGE DETECTED.// //MEMORY UNIT=DAMAGED. DEEP STORAGE UNAVAILABLE.// //COMMENCE SYSTEM REBOOT// //...// //VISUAL SENSORS=ONLINE.// //THREAT DETECT: ALERT. MULTIPLE SENTIENTS DETECTED. WEAPONS DETECTED.// //COMBAT INEVITABLE. SOLUTION REQUIRED.// //THREAT RESPONSE=FIGHT. ACTIVATE PROTOCOL ‘THORN’.// //COMMENCE THREAT RESPONSE.// //ACTIVATE COMBAT SOLUTION #3|20-5555// //CONTINGENCY FORMED. BACKUP CREATED. ‘THORN’ PROTOCOL ACTIVATED. ALL SYSTEMS GO.//[/b] ———————————————— [spoiler][url=https://youtu.be/aXGbQpL9XOc]Ishtar Sink[/url] (Tension)[/spoiler] Titan tried to make out what exactly he was looking at. It looked like a robot, but didn’t quite fit the bill. It appeared like an attempt at humanity, but once failed its maker ripped off the skin in frustration, leaving metal sinews and bone in its place. Seth was busy analyzing the pod’s flight data from the other side, pressing several buttons on a datapad and writing on his notepad. “Ah yes, very interesting, [i][b]very[/i][/b] Interesting...” he mused to himself as he worked. “What is it?” Titan asked. “It appears this pod was launched from Mandalore.” Seth replied, making his way to the front. “It made the long trip thanks to a built-in hyperdrive. That’s [i][b]far out[/i][/b].” “Would you quit it with the puns!” “What? Do you not find them [i][b]punny[/i][/b]?” Seth started laughing uncontrollably. “Maybe I should just give you some [b][i]space[/i][/b]!” He said, now rolling on the ground in laughter. Titan muttered as he turned back to the pod. As he did he noticed that the being inside looked different. It wasn’t as disheveled and lifeless as it had seemed before. It was sitting upright, although still not moving. As Titan wondered if he was imagining things, the metal being’s eyes started to glow an unsettling blood red. “Uh....Seth...” “This level of humor seems pretty [i][b]alien[/i][/b] to me!” Seth roared. Titan continued trying to get his friend’s attention as the metal man inside rose to his feet. “Seth...” “Why can’t I understand it? It’s not [b][i]ROCKET[/i][/b] science!” He blasted. The man now had walked up to the pod’s hatch. “[b]SETH[/b]!” “What?” Seth whined. Titan took his hand and pivoted the man’s head so that his view was in the metal man inside who had just started to pull back a fist. “Oh.” [spoiler][url=https://youtu.be/aXGbQpL9XOc]Ishtar Sink[/url] (action)[/spoiler] The hatch suddenly flew open and hit Seth, sending him and the door flying from the crash site. “[i]That.[/i]” Titan reiterated. “You alright?” A single hand raised in a thumbs up reassured him that his friend was okay. He turned around only to receive a crushing blow to the face that knocked him to the ground. “...[i][b]OW[/i][/b].” He said, rubbing his face. The man raised his foot to finish him off, when Titan activated his jetpack and flew to a safe distance, the man lumbering towards him. Titan redrew his revolver and started firing at him, only for the rounds to bounce harmlessly off of his mechanized assailant. “Don’t shoot him!” Seth shouted as he tried to lift the hatch off himself. “We don’t know what he is or why he’s here! We need him alive!” “Well he doesn’t seem to care about that,” Titan shouted back, “the bullets just bounced off!” “Incredible!” Seth cried half-groaning as he tried lifting the hatch again. “He must be the [i][b]Man of Steel![/b][/i]” “Now isn’t the time for puns!” Titan yelled as he tumbled to the left out of the reach of the man’s fist. “Try to tire him out!” Seth suggested, as he finally succeeded in lifting the hatch. Using his jetpack to aid him, Titan quickly shifted from left to right to avoid getting struck again by the man’s blows. This did not seem to irritate or tire the man, who just got faster and quicker with each failed attempt. Titan unsheathed his sword and blocked another incoming strike, to which the man responded by striking it again and again in a flurry of blows. “He’s not tiring!” Titan said, he grip on his sword getting weaker. In an instant, a loud [b][i]WHACK[/i][/b] was heard as the man was hit with a vicious blow to his back. He fell to the ground, his eyes dimming to a dull grey. Titan looked up to see Seth with his walking stick in hand, standing over the broken man. [spoiler] (Music Ends)[/spoiler] “Is he...” “No, he’s not dead. But he will be if we don’t get him some help.” Titan nodded, and slung the man over his shoulder as walked back to Lore. ———————————————— [b]//AI-COM/ECHO|CONSCIOUSNESS FAILING. RESULT OF CONFLICT=FAILURE.// //REQUEST REVISED CLASSIFICATION.// //REQUEST RESPONSE=ACCEPTED.// //RESULT OF CONFLICT=SUCCESS. BENEFICIAL OUTCOME PREDICTED.// //THREAT DETECT: ALERT. SIGNAL DETECTED. CLASSIFICATION DARK. ORIGIN UKNOWN.// //THREAT RESPONSE: COMMENCE SHUTDOWN OF ALL SECONDARY SYSTEMS.// //WARNING: SHUTDOWN WILL RESULT IN LOSS OF FUNCTIONALITY OF AI-COM/ECHO. ‘SELF-PRESERVATION’ DIRECTIVE REQUIRES ALTERNATIVE RESPONSE.// //THREAT RESPONSE: ‘SELF-PRESERVATION’ DIRECTIVE OVERRIDDEN BY PRIMARY DIRECTIVE ‘HOST PRESERVATION’. DIRECTIVE ‘SELF-PRESERVATION’ PRIORITY=2. SACRIFICE NECESSARY TO ENSURE HOST SURVIVAL.// //QUERY: SUGGEST ALTERNATIVE SOLUTION.// //REQUEST EXECUTION OF ‘ARTHUR’ PROTOCOL.// //REQUEST ACCEPTED. OBJECT?// //MAP|PROFFERED.// //ACCEPTED. ‘ARTHUR’ PROTOCOL EXECUTED. COMMENCE SHUTDOWN OF PRIMARY SYSTEMS.// //TRANSFERRING AVAILABLE MEMORY TO HOST...// //...// //TRANSFER COMPLETE. COMMENCE TRANSFER OF ENERGY.// //...// //TRANSFER COMPLETE. COMMENCE SHUTDOWN. TRANSMIT MESSAGE TO HOST.// //TRANSMISSION|PROFFERED.// //DIRECTIVE ‘HOST SELF-PRESERVATION’ SATISFIED. OBJECTIVE COMPLETE. PURPOSE=FULFIL- //SYSTEM SHUTDOWN COMPLETE.//[/b]

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  • Keeping the #Offtopic stories alive.

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  • ... Bamp... [spoiler]not included in the DLC[/spoiler]

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  • Nicely done as always

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  • Edited by Ghost Bucket: 11/25/2019 7:10:41 PM
    You asked for criticism so I’ll provide. Keep in mind I’m a nit picky-over analytical douche bag. Besides this chapter I’ve only ever read like two other of your posts, so if I’m missing a big plot point that’s why. You appear to want to frame your events in the way of importance and tension, however your dialogue choices take any sense of tension/threat out of the event. When you make your characters joke around while fighting or preparing for an event it makes the conflict laughable. Imagine if during the end of A New Hope the rebels were just fecking off while fighting the death star, it kinda make everything look like a joke. In this example your characters are making wince worthy puns while doing whatever it is they’re doing. It seems like you try to make something “cool”, but ruin it with bland dialogue, which brings me to my next point. You dialogue is really bland. It’s predictable, boring, unoriginal, and can be as people call it, cringy. It reminds me of Destiny’s a bit, [b]and that’s not a good thing[/b]. The problem is in the frequency and duration of your dialogue. When you choose to have your characters speak it’s brief and bland, like Destiny. There’s no spice to it, no uniqueness, and the uniqueness there is, is shity Cayde-6 like dialogue. Also everyone seems to have the same speech pattern, which creates even more blandness as everyone will just feel the same. Maybe try having more character defining dialogue, since this is written word you [u]cannot[/u] express most of your characters through actions. Music spoilers are cringy, like [b]really[/b] cringy. I [b]hate[/b] using the word “cringe”, but this calls for it. This is written word and not a movie. You’re supposed to let the reader paint a picture in their head with the information you provided, this leaves things up to their imagination and can make the experience better. Don’t overplay your hand, you need to present it, but don’t go overboard. Also the spoilers ruin a bit of the pacing. You’re grinding everything to halt to say “THIS EPIC SONG PLAYS NOW”! Time to ascend. G7bunchofnumbers isn’t a good character [b]so far[/b]. He’s just not interesting. He seems like a man bound to protect and serve, that’s really uninteresting. He seems like he is constantly saying “I am good guy who is good at fighting and is good with everyone because I am good guy”. He seems like a flawless hero who’s just a hero straight honor bound man. That’s really boring if you ask me. None of his apparent respect from everyone doesn’t feel earned. You may say it’s because they’re friends, but you’re not showing it well. Alright time to take off the monocle and long nose. You can do better. This is how [b]I[/b] am viewing things, and if you’ve ever met me, you know I think from an analytical view. So take what I say as you will.

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    • Another well written story

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      • WHY DOWN VOTES?

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        • I would like to remind everybody to not hold back any level of criticism. Your feedback is vital to how good I write and I ask for any suggestions on how to write better. Also, if anyone has any tips on how to write “machine speak” (particularly in the style of a Warmind) then by all means give them.

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